Dear Old Nicki

Dear Old Nicki

Dear Old Nicki,

I’ve been talking to present me for a while but I think I might need the old me to show herself for at least a moment.

The one who didn’t give a fuck what anyone thought

The one who had her own style and set her own trends

Who wasn’t attached to her phone or worthless people

Why are you giving people so many chances to hurt you?

Yes, you learned to let shit go and focus on the positive, but how much is too much?

You don’t want to go back to being silent and losing your voice

That’s why people love and respect you

Why you love yourself

You say what needs to be said

And show no mercy

Don’t show mercy to people who are treating you like a joke and an option

Set limits

Stick to them

If people don’t like it

FUCK THEM

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Letting Go of My Anger

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Me when I’m angry

I’ll be the first to admit I am not perfect.

I’ve never had a problem with my flaws. However, my biggest flaw is I let my anger consume me at times. Most of the time this anger is a result of stress, or more honestly: things going wrong that I couldn’t control. I don’t think I’m very unique in this aspect but I could be proven wrong.

The famous line from the Shining has a point: all work and no play makes a dull boy (I’m a woman, but the point still rings true) I doubt this film is the first work of art to illustrate this point literally or figuratively. And it may seem ironic that I’m taking a horror film so seriously but I digress. Art is a representation of life. I don’t know if art always imitates life but in my experience art represents life in the best way: realistically. You may not be able to decipher what an artist or filmmaker had in mind. But artists put their heart and soul into their work. Even if this part of the Shining is trivial, it means something to me.

People cannot live a full life alone. Sure, you can have fun with yourself for a while. I’m not doubting you. I’m saying from experience that a lonely life is not a full one. Yet, there is nothing wrong with having alone time. I love alone time. If you need alone time, take what you need. I won’t tell you to stay at your job if you’re miserable. I can never be that person. That’s your decision. If something is making you miserable: take it out of your life and find something better. Whatever that thing is that could potentially make your life more meaningful. Art, music, film, what have you. Do what you love and if you can make money off of it (again, if that’s something you’re interested in) do it.

Besides alone time, I also love great wholesome fun (or otherwise) with people who want a good time as well. Yet, I’m also not someone who can drop my feelings at the door for anyone but me. If I’m feeling a certain way, I’m most likely going to say it. If I don’t, my feelings eventually bubble over turning me into some crazy monster version of me. At least 3 people can vouch for this. When I’m angry I’m horrible. Beyond horrible. I say things that cut people to the core. If I know you well enough (sounds weird but if I’m fighting with you, you probably mean a lot to me for me to even waste a breath) I know what to say to hurt you. Monster me will go that far. Low blow, however you want to phrase it, I say what will hurt the most.

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Kermit the frog here

I realized recently the cause of my worst anger, again, things going wrong that I can’t necessarily control. While I was having a rough time, I spoke with a good friend that told me the best thing you can do to solve a problem or stress is to take action. If you study for an exam, you can’t be mad when you get the grades that you worked for. But I was getting mad at things that I was not actively trying to solve. I was angry at the world for not bending to me. I was angry for not getting A’s when I was barely doing acceptable work (worst critic part of me writing here).

I’m an advertising major. Usually when I receive a critique in my copywriting class I laugh it off and basically I try to prove people wrong by doing a better version of my idea. At first, instead of learning from what people suggested, I did my own ideas that people still couldn’t comprehend. Sometimes my thoughts get very muddled and it’s hard to tell when I’m being stubborn or when people simply don’t understand my work. I am very misunderstood. I don’t speak very much in person. But when I do speak I try to say what’s most important. Maybe this is my problem.

I’ve been judging certain things as more or less important than other things and in the process I’ve done this with everything in my life as a whole. School for me is so much more important than work. But I can’t get to school every day if I don’t work. I live the NYC commuter school life, probably very atypical. The experience you may have not even heard of until now unless you live in NYC yourself. I’m really not writing this to sound cool or clever. I lived on campus for a semester and that definitely was not for me. I’m happy I was there and I learned the most I could learn about myself in those four months. But I fled because I was scared. Scared of being vulnerable. Scared of doing things that made me uncomfortable. Yet, I don’t regret leaving either.

The past four years have taught me a lot about myself as well. When I’m stressed, I’m the worst version of myself. I procrastinate even when that’s clearly the stupidest thing I could possibly do. I wake up miserable. I don’t want to do regular things that would normally make me happy, like eating food (half of the reason I started this blog lol). I’m barely hungry at all when I’m stressed. Most recently, since I may have an ulcer I try to stay as positive as possible and when things spiral out of control and consecutively do not go my way, I crash and I burn, and the saddest part is, I want to burn. The worst side of me wants this to all be over. So nothing can hurt me anymore. I would never cut myself or drink myself to death on purpose. Like I said, I may have an ulcer so every time I drink now it feels like I have the worst hangover or for the ladies reading this, the start of a period.

Most of my stress recently has been due to my health problems, i.e. possible ulcer and stomach issues overall. I want to drink. I want to have fun. Maybe I’m trying too hard. I know what I like, I really do. Sometimes I get tired of my interests and my overall chill life. But whenever I try to have other people’s version of fun I am disappointed. It’s not fun for me to drink before going out because I honestly want to pay full attention to whatever I’m doing. It’s hard for me to truly regret doing something because I see every experience as something to learn from. What I am glad about is that every time I have these experiences that disappoint me, they make me appreciate my interests more.

Don’t get me wrong. Sometimes I wear my heart on my sleeve. It’s not as easy as it seems for me to get to this point. At first, I do regret doing it. But what works the best for me may not work for others. If you can shake things off, good for you and I truly mean that. It is hard to build up confidence when you barely have any. But if you already have really firm and honest confidence, please do not let the world break you. Speak up when you need to. It truly helps. Even when someone doesn’t want to hear it. Say it for your piece of mind. Before I encourage you to insult someone, do not get me wrong. Do not say something solely to hurt someone. I am speaking from a very emotional place, but I think I have a very methodical way of dealing with my emotions. It is not typical, I have never been typical nor will I ever be.

I do not want to be typical. If I could erase the feeling of loneliness from the world I truly would do that. If I have ever made anyone feel alone, I straight up apologize here and now. It is never my intention to do so. However, I will say that although I consider myself compassionate and caring, we all have two sides to ourselves. Some people are reluctant to admit it, but we all have an angry horrible side. Or maybe I’m extremely unique again. I don’t believe so. Most people probably need more to set off their anger compared to me. Yet even through all the differences I could name I want to look at the other side.

We all want basically the same things. No one wants to feel lonely. No one wants to feel hurt or feel weak. You may want to end everything. But please, please. If you do not have much more time or even not enough care to finish reading this look here: You are your star. Do what makes YOU happy. Stop caring about what other people think. If it seems like the world is against you, it’s time to learn something. Trust me please with this one.

I have had the biggest highs and really deep lows. I have had numerous times that I wanted to end it all. But even through all of that, I still love myself enough to not give up.

What works for me you may ask? How did I get through it? That’s a hard question to answer but basically, I do not hide my emotions if I feel their important. I cry when I need to cry. I leave class when I want to leave class (yes, really lol.) I walked out of my copy writing class when my professor would not hear me out about my ad concepts. Dramatic? Maybe. Did it make me feel better? Damn right, yes it did. Yet, even through my anger, I talked it out, listened to people dear to me who I know have my best interests at heart and applied what they said. Instead of being a bone head, I changed my idea based on my professor’s comments and he seems to respect my ideas even if he has a crappy way of showing it. I respect my professor, even if he hated me for my reaction that day.

Before this turns into a novel, I want to end this on a positive, but also honest note. If you take anything from this please believe me when I say it:

Be yourself.

When you let down those walls that have been killing you to your core, it is the greatest feeling in the world.

Yes, it is uncomfortable at first.

People get busy… soo…

Make yourself your world.
Don’t expect the world to bend for you.

Sometimes you have to swallow your pride and do what is right.

If you want to scream fuck the world, do it.

But sooner or later if you’re miserable, you have to do something for you. Stop listening to other people, or stop hanging around people who make you feel bad. Especially if it seriously effects you.

You should apologize when you’re wrong or hurt someone you care about. But do not apologize for being yourself.

If you must explain your actions, do it.

It is worth it for someone you care about.

You are more than worth it. You know why? You’re lucky to be alive. You’re lucky to breathe a fresh breath every single day when you wake up. Even when you’re in pain, or hungover or whatever is plaguing you. There are people in many undeveloped countries who want to be in your position, even if they have never experienced it or know nothing about your life.

I do not like thinking of events as lucky or unlucky. But I certainly am blessed. I have worked for most things that I have whether people believe me or not. I am a constant work in progress. We all live and die. I am not scared of death. I’m scared of not living a full life. But on my terms. Not yours, or his or hers, or the dudes that only like me for my body.

Fuck them. Fuck other opinions. Love life.

Throw out the bad stuff in your life. Embrace the good.

Please.

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Shine bright

Thank you for reading,

Nicole xoxo

A Letter to Myself

A Letter to Myself

So I actually wrote this letter years back on July 7, 2013 (originally written inside my sketchbook with charcoal) but I wanted to share it because what I wrote is very relevant to my current mindset.

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You’re amazing, whether people realize it or not

Dear Nicki,

So here’s the thing, I don’t know why I keep feeling like this, but I’m not happy. Things aren’t bad, but they could be better. Especially my health.  I don’t know how I’ve let it become so bad. I used to care so much about what I ate. But I guess I spent way more time alone too. I mean I’m in great shape compared to other people but I haven’t been able to eat regularly without becoming sick. I think my problem is I care too much, and I’m not a person who could turn this part of me off. It’s deeply rooted. Not just that, but I care about what people think too much. I don’t know why it is the way that I am or maybe I’m just more honest about it. I think everyone else cares too, they just like what everyone else likes, so its not a problem. Or they just go along with what everyone else says. But that has never been the way that I am. I don’t follow the crowd.

I am a renegade at heart, as corny as that may sound. And I like it that way. I don’t want what everyone else wants. I want my own life and to live it my way. I hate gossip and drama. I like the finer things in life. I mean, I can be wild sometimes. But I’d rather relax and watch a Hitchcock movie. Not Fast & the Furious or other mumbo jumbo bullshit all of the time. Movies like that are just a distraction and a fantasy. Not that Hitchcock movies don’t contain illusions or act as a distraction itself. But the story lines are still about regular people and their lives. Not stupid car racing, drug wars, or stupid corruption. I know I’ve written about what I’m about to say somewhere else but it still sticks in my head. I feel like I’m the only person like myself left sometimes.

I can talk about old movies for days. Or Hitchcock movies anyway. I haven’t seen many other old films to be completely honest. I just feel like it’s so hard to catch up while also trying to stay current. Ya know? Of course you do know everything, don’t you?

Don’t let anyone tell you any different.

ANYONE LOL

Well I hate to cut this short but it’s getting harder to write with this charcoal.

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Damn right

Love ya.

Nicole 7/7/13

Inkskinned on Tumblr

Inkskinned on Tumblr

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Normally I would write or share posts like this on Art Tuesday but if you’ve been reading my page recently you’d see that sorta went out the window. I’ve been very into art and writing my feelings out. But sometimes even I do not have all the words, like most people I presume.

But this poem struck me. A lot of us have had issues with self-esteem and with loving ourselves. And if I can help anyone. Even just one person overcome there’s, then I’ve done right.

Please check out this person’s lovely post and blog on tumblr. Link below.

http://inkskinned.tumblr.com/post/131198847314/i-your-mouth-is-full-of-glass-cuts-speak-a

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Why I Don’t Fear the Dark or the Light

Why I Don’t Fear the Dark or the Light

As we grow older, we realize who the real monsters are

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Today, I was woken up by a night-light.

I hate night lights.

They serve no purpose other than stopping children’s irrational fears.

I do not mind them in a dark hallway or even your dark bathroom at night.

But they serve no purpose in a bedroom.

Maybe I’m just irritated because I was woken up at 4:30 am by one.

I do not fear the dark because I have grown to realize that the real monsters in this world are people walking around in your average day light hours. They’re the people who force you to smile when you’re not happy and in general create the pressure to be someone you are not. They may not even entirely be responsible for having this mentality. In a way, I presume that people who are like this are just miserable and were not taught to love.

When you love. You accept. Regardless of the good and bad.

Of the roughness and the stress.

Please do not mistake what I mean. If you are in an abusive relationship, you should certainly get out of it and find the strength in yourself to move forward, if not for anyone else, for you.

I know for a fact that is easier said than done. Especially when children are involved. I do not know from personal experience in my own partnered relationships. But I do know this from experiences that my mom and sister have had around me while growing up. When you create a life with someone, a literal, screaming, pooping life, it is hard to disconnect from the person that you created that with.

Even when you have not had a child with a partner in a relationship. It is hard to let go.

Whether the relationship is good or not. You shared a life with someone.

And you may or may not feel that you want to share the rest of your life with that person.

But if your significant other does not feel the same, then it is up to you to either let them go and be happy or be miserable hoping for something that may not be in the plan for you.

It seems odd that anyone could be happy right after a break up and that is not ideal. But what you should feel after a break up is the feeling that you grew and learned something from your significant other. Whether you learned to not trust them or whether you learned something about yourself or them, you learned something.

I have learned that for me to feel free and comfortable with someone, that I  must be able to share my feelings with them. I know now the person that I am with (now or in the future) should not have to complete me. One of my good friends helped me and calmly explained that your significant other should not complete you, but they should compliment you. I had a difficult time grasping this at first, but I let it sit in my mind for a while after admitting my confusion to my friend.

I do not need someone to be at my beck and call all day. I should not have to talk to you all day to feel at ease, nor should you contact me all day to feel at ease. However, it’s my personal opinion, that if your partner has insecurities that you should attempt to work with them and put these insecurities to rest. And this is of course if you are in a loving relationship. I do not expect you to do this for someone who you just started going out with. That may sound ridiculous to some. But I am always friends with someone before I can even attempt to think of them in a loving way. Maybe I am old fashioned. But if I love someone, I love them completely. I have to genuinely like someone and their character, in order to love them. Maybe that’s overly logical or even sappy. But that’s my version of love. I cannot speak for anyone else. We all have different comfort zones and perspectives.

Now to the light.

The light is beautiful. I hate to get all philosophical right now. But don’t let it hurt your eyes

I remember the Allegory of the Cave by Plato from my freshman year of college. I also read it again, I believe, in my sophomore year of college as well, in a totally different class and college. I’ll admit my memory is pretty horrible so it usually takes a couple of times for me to process more deep works of literature. So the second time I understood it a lot better. Especially after dealing with some dark and light in my own life.

We all need some darkness to appreciate the light.

But we also should not fear either, or let the light wreck our vision.

This vision could be your literal eye sight, world view or perspective. I don’t say this to be complicated.

I believe everything that you see and do was meant to be to create the person that you are today. If you did not experience something, then you wouldn’t be the same.

If you went to a different high school, lived in a different city or borough (for my NYC peeps). If you made it into your dream school or your second choice (or third, or fourth choice lol, don’t give up!).

Whatever happened, happened. And you cannot go back. So like I’ve said before, easier said than done, but do not regret anything. Try the best as you can to move forward with yourself, even if you’re the only person on your side at the moment. I do not say this to be sad or grim. I admit I have felt many times that I was alone when I truly was not. Sometimes it is very difficult to see the love from others through your anger and insecurities. But when you do see it and feel it…

Screenshot taken by an Android phone **The Gaff Blog does not own this image**
Screenshot taken by an Android phone **The Gaff Blog does not own this image** You go too guy! Don’t worry about all the pink. Keep reading! lol. 

Give thanks.

The worst thing you can be during or after a relationship is ungrateful.

You do not learn anything from being ungrateful. Trust me.

All you learn is how to be stubborn and to only see your point of view.

The challenge of true love is living your best life while also keeping your partners perspective in mind and compromising when you need to. Or if you feel you should.

If you feel you should. Go for it. No one is stopping you.

The worst they can possibly say is no. Or get mad in some cases I guess.

Screenshot from an Android phone **The Gaff Blog does not own this image** Characters from Boy Meets World Topanga and Cory
Screenshot from an Android phone **The Gaff Blog does not own this image** Characters from Boy Meets World Topanga and Cory

The one thing I feel I should add at this point is relationships are not only about the good stuff. Yes, there are some bad days. Some days when you are so stressed that you hate everyone or want to share all of your anger with one person. And maybe they do not want to hear it. And you should respect that. You definitely should.

But if the person you are with cannot handle you. If your stress is too much for them. You need to find better outlets.

I promise I mean this out of the kindness of my heart. Whatever outlet you need. Whether it’s a best friend, or Tumblr. Or my personal favorite, my blog here on WordPress lol. This is not a plug I swear. If I got paid to say this I would not have shared my personal feelings with you all.

Whatever your outlet is, use it.

Go to a therapist if you genuinely think you could benefit. But for you. Not for anyone else.

You are your star and your priority. Your partner does not necessarily have to be your number one.

But they should be a priority. I will not put a number on it. Because that is not fair to some.

Some people are introverted and grow a small and succinct group of friends that they cherish and keep close to them.

Other people are extroverted and make friends in the blink of an eye and might not even talk to this same person they met a year from now. And that’s not insensitive, that’s just life.

Some people are not meant to be there forever. Some are there for fun. For happiness.

Maybe some are there to share in your grief, or give you another point of view to consider.

But give thanks. Do not let the people you love and cherish ever feel like they are undeserving or that they are worthless.

Everyone and every soul is worth something.

You are worth something.

Trust me.

Even in the dark I’ve had the benefit of knowing that I am worth something to myself at least, I need to be here for me.

To live a great life. Ending it does not solve anything. It does not teach you anything.

I have learned so much from my experience with the dark and I have also learned a great amount from the light.

Different things, but important nonetheless.

From the dark, I have learned what I can handle. I can handle death of a loved one. Even though I obviously miss them and wish I could have their point of view on someone that I love right now. I would love to have a long chat with my Papa about my problems right now. I know he would listen and after all of it he would probably tell a story and maybe a joke at the end. And regardless of the story or joke, I would feel better because someone listened to me and shared with me as well.

Screenshot taken with an Android phone **The Gaff Blog does not own this image** Quote with Pink (Artist/Singer/Entertainer)
Screenshot taken with an Android phone **The Gaff Blog does not own this image** Quote with Pink (Artist/Singer/Entertainer)

Maybe I’m simple, or maybe I’m complex. I do not believe I am either.

I am so in the middle of simple and complex that I am still to this day an enigma to myself.

I do not think we ever truly know ourselves. I think some might know. But I think we are all constantly growing and evolving and grow into ourselves endlessly.

I’m not sorry for my endless metaphors lol.

I’m trying not to say sorry anymore unless I need to. So the opposite of that is saying that I am not sorry.

I’m not sorry that I loved.

I’m not sorry if I lost the one that I loved.

I do not believe that I lost him. But if I did, life goes on.

I do not regret anything.

If you do not have closure I hope you get it somehow. I think I’ve reached my closure.

Tomorrow I could be crying all day about this again, who knows.

But I am constantly striving to be the best me I can be. Whatever that means.

Be the best you. If that makes you feel bad, then you’re being blinded by the light.

Do not hate me for trying to make you better.

Do not hate your mom for telling you to be safe when you go out.

Or your girlfriend for getting mad at you when you don’t share with her or don’t say goodnight back.

These people love you.

I love you and I don’t even know you.

I appreciate the dark and the light because they are important and have taught me so much about my number one

That’s me. I’m number one. Not compared to others.

I’m number one to me. For me. Nobody else. Unless they want me to be number one lol.

Cute hippo :) lol. All of you is beautiful. Trust me!
Cute hippo 🙂 lol. All of you is beautiful. Trust me!

Don’t be afraid to live.

Don’t be afraid to have fun.

Do not say no to something that cannot hurt you.

Say yes to life.

Yes to fun.

Yes to new experiences.

Otherwise, you’ll just be in your house or apartment all day hating the world.

Please do not hate the world. I understand hating some people (haven’t we all felt that at some point)

But as cliche as it sounds, the world is yours.

You create or destroy the fun.

You create or destroy yourself.

You create. Point blank.

I love to create.

I love to draw.

I love writing on this blog.

I love writing in my sketch book of all places.

Some people might have cringed just hearing that but my sketch books have always been like a personal diary for me.

Whatever I feel, I put it in the sketch book. I have literally three or four books to draw, paint and write in.

I have this blog too. Which is even better.

If you feel you have no one. Look again.

If you still can’t find them. Put yourself out there.

There may be someone looking for you too.

You have the power **Screenshot taken with an Android phone. The Gaff Blog does not own this image** Dorothy's red slippers.
You have the power **Screenshot taken with an Android phone. The Gaff Blog does not own this image** Dorothy’s red slippers.

Thank you for reading this,

Nicole