I feel really stuck in time with you. As much as I act like I’m over what you did, I’m not. I find no reason to lie anymore.
You said a lot of hurtful things about me that I AM NOT obligated to forgive. And I don’t care how attractive you are, or what power you think you have over me. You know exactly what you’re doing. You can act dumb all you want. I don’t sit around waiting for anyone. I’m so tired of men like you who think you can reintroduce themselves in the life of a woman when you see her at peace.
You have been an emotional vampire to me for far too long and I know that’s my responsibility to fix and withdraw my energy.
I don’t try too hard. I’m not too nice either. You being mistreated in the past is not my responsibility to fix. So you treating me like garbage because of how you were treated in the past, says far more about you than it does about me.
I have what you lack. And maybe that’s why you can’t accept me. But I’ll boast regardless.
I don’t need to mistreat anyone to prove my power or worth. I am compassionate and kind. I am strong, strategic, and I don’t need to hide my strengths or wear a false face to get anyone’s attention on me.
It took me some time to realize how I feel because, believe it or not, I am very detached from my emotions. However, I am trying harder to allow myself the space to feel how I feel so I can be the authentic person I know that I am.
I am putting the love that I give away for free into me now.
Give me time and space.
As ridiculous + crazy as it sounds, I’ve always felt like I have known you for far longer than I actually have in this life. You’ve always felt like a twin flame for me.
I don’t want to be cut off or distracted by what you have to say.
I never forced anything on you. Unlike you, who cannot say the same.
You forced yourself into my life. When I first met you, I loved your energy. You were so alive and I admired that about you.
But when we reconnected last June and after the first few dates we had, I could tell something had changed within you.
Not to sound overly cliché, but you were so blue. No other way to describe you. Maybe black and blue.
Because you were so sad and dead at the same time.
When I found out what happened, a few details here and there, I could not stop thinking about it.
I needed to know more.
I knew you weren’t fully you.
I could feel the life sucked out of you. And I wanted to help you feel alive again.
When I say you forced yourself into my life, I mean that in the best way possible.
You were the first person to talk to me in the break room at Home Depot (besides people I know from orientation) and I just admired that you came up to me and told me so much about yourself. I felt like I knew you already so well from that one encounter.
You were the breath of fresh air that I needed after the past year that I had (back then).
And you’re probably one of the first reasons I even stayed at HD for as long as I did.
Let’s jump ahead because this is all of the positive stuff.
I would regret it if I did not say this to you ever.
But I had a crush on you since that first time I saw and met you.
When I added you on Facebook, before we started talking again, it was to reconnect with you.
Every time I saw you at HD, it made me happier than you’ll ever know because I had to hide it since I was with my ex then.
I even told Searra’s mom about meeting you that first time at HD and she told me to give you a chance.
Not in those exact words, but that’s another story for later.
Long story short, I was beyond glad when you messaged me first.
And here we are today.
So every time you were inconsistent with me hurt even more and shut out all of the times you made me happy.
Like I said, you told me about some things that happened with your ex and as I learned more about yourself and her relationship with you, I realized when you were actually telling me the truth.
I’m not sure of exact details between you and her.
I’m not sure who is the bigger sack of garbage.
Either way, I know how I feel now given every side that I have seen of you.
I saw the good in you for so long.
But all you have continued to show me is bad.
I overlooked it for whatever reason for so long.
Either you and your ex, deserve each other or to die alone.
Regardless, you don’t deserve me.
I know my worth and as petty or irrational as I could react to everything you did
Including blocking me with the intention to cut me out of your life
I know who I am and I hope you find who you are again and keep your garbage dump of a personality
OUT OF MY LIFE!
P.S (Written May 21, 2018)
As much as I hate to admit, I’ve never felt like anyone understood me to my core as well as you do.
I feel like one of my best friends passed away and like I’ll never see them again.
You’ve turned me into a better person in many ways, and a worse person in other ways.
I have to find the silver lining in this, or else this clearly wouldn’t be written by me.
So, I’ve always personally loved Pixar films. Who doesn’t love good animation?
Pixar, so far has not made a bad film, and they’re not about to start.
I’ll admit when I first saw the initial trailer for Inside Out, I liked it, however, I thought it was just a dash bit too corny.
Don’t crucify me just yet. From beginning to end of the film, I was blown awaaayy.
Not only is the film about the inner workings of our brain, but the animated protagonist is a girl!
Thank you Pixar!
Riley Anderson (Kaitlyn Dias), a girl who loves goofing off with her family and playing hockey is a joy to watch throughout the film.
And that’s not even the best part! **Spoiler Alert**
The film starts from her first memory.
Riley is a baby at home with her parents.
We see the inner workings of Riley’s life and some of her life events played out through her memories and the personified emotions inside her head which seem to decide her outcome for every interaction based on her emotion that takes over.
The emotions are the stars of the film. But Riley is still the true protagonist for me. It is her life, but the emotions control it, which is majority of what we see: her emotions – Joy, Fear, Anger, Disgust and Sadness and how their decisions affect her life when she moves from her home in Minnesota to San Francisco, California. Unfortunately for her, San Fran has broccoli pizza and not any back yard or lake! (You’ll get it when you see it, and yes you will probably see it :P)
Joy (Amy Poehler) is personified as a yellow, happy-as-can-be character with some lovely cerulean hair. Fear (Bill Hader) is an interesting lavender hue, and stops Riley in her tracks when danger arrives. Disgust (Mindy Kaling), is a green toned girl who, amongst other things, stops her from eating the dreaded broccoli. Anger, is as red and angry as can be. He is played by the king of anger: Lewis Black. If you don’t like Pixar, or animated films for whatever reason, go for Lewis Black. Lastly, Sadness (Phyllis Smith), the one no one seems to want, but we all learn that we need sometimes — is blue and while she is mostly given dialogue destined for the butt of a joke, she changes Riley’s life in an unexpected way. You may argue that there are more emotions than these in people’s lives, but I can argue that they all stem from the ones presented. All of Riley’s memories are shown arriving into her brain in a marble-like ball through long tubes and are color coated by each emotion.
As the film progresses, Sadness keeps transforming Riley’s most important memories (called “core memories”) into sad blue ones. Joy has been throughout Riley’s life consistently (Joy has been there in her head and within her life and relationships). Riley has loving parents, a good amount of friends and plays on a hockey team that involves both. Who wouldn’t be filled with joy? Joy wants to stay in Riley’s life, but things change.
Joy becomes lost and Riley is overcome with fear, anger and disgust when a big move happens. Literally Riley’s whole personality is destroyed. The characters Joy and Sadness become lost inside Riley’s head because of a freak accident. The tubes that send Riley’s memories for the day into the area of her brain with her long-term memory end up taking Joy and Sadness up and as a result they must find their way back to their main headquarters.
This freak accident coincides with the big move that Riley’s family makes, which seemingly could not happen at a worse time. Riley is unsure of herself and her new classmates on her first day and is overcome with sadness when Sadness touches her core memories and makes Riley realize she will not do these things again in San Francisco. Sadness transforms Riley’s memories (the one’s shown, which Riley cries over) of ice skating the first time on the lake with her dad, playing hockey with her friends, etc. Instead of remaining joyful memories, they become sad ones, and Riley is filled with grief. Joy takes the wheel, and in a panic to stop Sadness from wrecking Riley’s core memories goes up into the tube along with Sadness.
The journey back into headquarters is a long and colorful one. Even more colorful than the emotions controlling Riley’s reactions.
Wish to see a refreshing and funny film, that is deep and filled with some learning but also fun?
Make your life easy and go see Inside Out!
Your life can’t get any worse by seeing the movie, you might have already gone through puberty unlike Riley 😛
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**The Gaff Blog does not own the image used for this post**
To introduce the topic I will say that today’s Art Tuesday will discuss being an introvert.
When I was 17 or 18 years old, I wrote “Problems of An Introvert“ about myself, and my personal problems to let off some steam. Problems of An Introvert is not about all introverts, it is about this introvert, writing this post aka me 😛 ( and if you can read my horrid hand writing the subheading is: AKA Shy Kid, also referring to me) Thus, I apologize for my ignorance or anything that is outright false because while it has only been a couple of years ( I am 21 years old now) I have learned a lot since then. I am not the only introvert on the planet. And I will address now that although my first and second problem noted discuss shyness which is a major misconception of being introverted – a lot of people assume that all introverts are shy. I personally happen to be a shy introvert. However, this is certainly not true for all introverted people.
Problems of an Introvert page one: (I am writing them over in case people cannot read my chicken scratch lol)
1. The obvious being shy
2. Overcoming the shyness.
Since one and two both discuss shyness I will talk about them in conjunction. When I was younger, I was very confused and did not know myself as well. So yes, I was shy. But, I also was simply less comfortable with myself and my introvertedness so I did not know how to make myself happy. I did not realize that I needed some rest time in between seeing people. My family did not necessarily respect privacy when I was younger and so I was always with someone on my back, not letting me be me. Knowing myself a lot better now and learning to deal with my introvertedness (not my shyness) has in turn made me understand how to live better and to deal with everyone a lot better. I was and am still shy when I first meet people. I will never run up to anyone and start an off-the-cuff conversation about foolish things. But I realize that everyone is not trying to trigger my anxiety. Just everyone is different and that is ok. There are more people like me. Introverts generally act the way I do. Yes, we’ll talk to you. But actually engage us in conversation one-on-one and we’ll be your best friend. We cannot handle all of the pressure of large crowds or a cafeteria like setting. It’s too much for our brains to take in. We prefer laid-back settings to talk and get to know people. Occasionally I will go to a party. But I’m probably the first to leave or I will be making myself comfortable in a quiet corner or nook 😛
Introverts do not thrive on human interaction the way extroverts do. For an introvert, hanging out with people can be compared to working out. The more people we hang out with, the more our brain works to process everything and keep up. Throw some loud music and a crowd and we’re basically running a marathon. Speaking of marathons. Not saying an introvert wouldn’t do one. But they might need a day or two to rest from running and people after they go through with it.
For a better interpretation of what being introverted means I suggest “How To Love Your Introvert” by Kevin Yang a Button Poetry video on Youtube.
3. People assuming you want to be alone (in some cases, but 8 out or 10 times totally wrong, and actually the opposite),
Yes, introverts need off time to recharge (for lack of a better term) but that does not mean we need to be home alone all of the time. Introverts are not necessarily lazy, or incapable home bodies. However, as said we prefer cool, laid-back settings. Most parties are not laid-back. So fix the setting of your party before you invite your favorite introvert.
4. Assholes that take advantage of them (most introverts are nice, but maybe not in a smiley kind of way. I myself do things for people to show them I care/like them as a person)
Listen, stop telling to me to smile on first sight of my face. I do not live to please everyone. Nor do I need to smile all day to prove that I am happy. Did you ever think to ask if someone is happy before assuming they are miserable because they do not have a smile pasted on their face? Well maybe now you should. That’s all I will say about this.
If you want a laugh check out my post on button poetry which has two Youtube videos related to this specific problem 🙂
5. Personally, I am a perfectionist. I hate confrontation. I’m picky. I don’t like talking about my feelings, however I am very emotional/sentimental. I’m good at criticizing but I can’t take criticism from other people. I get into a vicious cycle of unhappiness and can’t get out (frequently)
This problem may simply be my own personal one. But I am not discussing how I am actually feeling when you ask me how I am. And even when I do say something other than good and fine, people seem to think that’s weird or do not actually engage me anyhow. So sorry for not following your stupid routine but I do have feelings that you do not need to hear about, nor do you actually care.
If you’re going to ask me how I am, you can expect an answer other than good. Otherwise, do not bother me with your stupid small talk.
6. I’m horrible at small talk. When people ask me simple questions I give simple answers. It’s always like “How are you?” or “What’s up?” And I’m like good or fine. Even if I’m having a horrible day.
As an introvert, small talk never rubbed me the right way. I never understood why people would ask me how I am doing if they did not actually care for a response beyond good or fine. Even when I say fine, people have literally said: “Just fine?” as if I’m lying or fine was not good enough for them. Apparently, I have to stroke everyone’s ego when I give my response. And god forbid I do not say “And you?” back to them right away. Got into an argument about this one. If I do not say it right away I was perhaps thinking, or you know do not actually care about you. Sorry for the honesty, but that’s the blunt truth motherfucker. Not everyone cares about you damn it. I’ll say it straight to your face.
7. I’m not very spontaneous. I usually like to have a routine or I start to feel/become restless.
Again, I do not know if this specific trait is universal to introverts, but for myself personally, I have always needed something to do or I start cleaning like a crazy person because that was the only thing I could think to do. Plus it is productive. Did I mention the thing had to be productive? lol. My routine must be filled with things to do that are productive.
Or cleaning the whole house.
8. At my worst (without personal time to recharge) I’m moody, lazy, apathetic, I procrastinate, so therefore, I’m also probably stressed out, and I keep to myself more.
When people do not allow me the time I need to recharge I am the worst person on the planet. I insult everyone around me. I am irritable. I will criticize you until you are on the brink of cutting yourself. If you do not want this dragon lady version of me to come out. Please respect my time and allow me to do whatever the fuck I want by myself. And I will reemerge as the lovely lady people all know and love (I hope they like/love me XD lol.)
Also, personally I always procrastinate if I can, because I know I can get the job done just as well anyway. Any college student who writes long papers overnight can agree and sympathize 😀 ! lol.
I got an A on a 10 page paper I wrote overnight. What about you? You planned yours out a week/month ahead of time? Aw that’s sweet hun lol. Get on my level XD.
9. If I do not automatically feel comfortable with people, then I do not hang out with them. So I’m kind of picky with friends too.
I cannot claim this is a universal problem for introverts either, but I have always used my intuition when it comes to meeting new people especially people who could potentially become a friend. Which is why I also hate the typical small talk of people asking how I am doing. If you do not care for a real and honest response, then we probably will not be friends or even acquaintances in the future. I will be nothing except myself when talking to you. Do not expect lollipops and rainbows with me.
So the last page of Problems is just one. But it’s a major one that seems to be a problem with people’s perception of introverts or shy people who do not vomit everything they feel out:
10. Expressing feelings.
Some introverts may seem cold or mean maybe even passive aggressive because they either have a hard time expressing their feelings or do not wish to share with everyone they ever meet.
I personally am so good at hiding how I am feeling, it’s definitely a problem because I end up holding things in and I may or may not end up blowing up on people if I reach a certain point.
When I really like someone and reach a certain level of comfortability with them, my true colors come out.
So to explain this one, basically, getting to know an introvert is a process. You will not know everything about them, especially me, until you get to know them a lot better. I personally need to spend a lot of time with someone and possibly share a lot with them before considering them my best friend. One day at six flags is not necessarily making them my bestie. Speaking of that, I hate roller coasters. Do not assume everyone likes six flags 😛
Everyone who likes six flags is already there. Go with them XD
To end this discussion, I share a self portrait of myself that I drew within the same time span that I wrote Problems of an Introvert
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