May 19, 2018 (Originally written in my notebook)
I don’t want to be cut off or distracted by what you have to say.
I never forced anything on you. Unlike you, who cannot say the same.
You forced yourself into my life. When I first met you, I loved your energy. You were so alive and I admired that about you.
But when we reconnected last June and after the first few dates we had, I could tell something had changed within you.
Not to sound overly cliché, but you were so blue. No other way to describe you. Maybe black and blue.
Because you were so sad and dead at the same time.
When I found out what happened, a few details here and there, I could not stop thinking about it.
I needed to know more.
I knew you weren’t fully you.
I could feel the life sucked out of you. And I wanted to help you feel alive again.
When I say you forced yourself into my life, I mean that in the best way possible.
You were the first person to talk to me in the break room at Home Depot (besides people I know from orientation) and I just admired that you came up to me and told me so much about yourself. I felt like I knew you already so well from that one encounter.
You were the breath of fresh air that I needed after the past year that I had (back then).
And you’re probably one of the first reasons I even stayed at HD for as long as I did.
Let’s jump ahead because this is all of the positive stuff.
I would regret it if I did not say this to you ever.
But I had a crush on you since that first time I saw and met you.
When I added you on Facebook, before we started talking again, it was to reconnect with you.
Every time I saw you at HD, it made me happier than you’ll ever know because I had to hide it since I was with my ex then.
I even told Searra’s mom about meeting you that first time at HD and she told me to give you a chance.
Not in those exact words, but that’s another story for later.
Long story short, I was beyond glad when you messaged me first.
And here we are today.
So every time you were inconsistent with me hurt even more and shut out all of the times you made me happy.
Like I said, you told me about some things that happened with your ex and as I learned more about yourself and her relationship with you, I realized when you were actually telling me the truth.
I’m not sure of exact details between you and her.
I’m not sure who is the bigger sack of garbage.
Either way, I know how I feel now given every side that I have seen of you.
I saw the good in you for so long.
But all you have continued to show me is bad.
I overlooked it for whatever reason for so long.
Either you and your ex, deserve each other or to die alone.
Regardless, you don’t deserve me.
I know my worth and as petty or irrational as I could react to everything you did
Including blocking me with the intention to cut me out of your life
I know who I am and I hope you find who you are again and keep your garbage dump of a personality
OUT OF MY LIFE!
P.S (Written May 21, 2018)
As much as I hate to admit, I’ve never felt like anyone understood me to my core as well as you do.
I feel like one of my best friends passed away and like I’ll never see them again.
You’ve turned me into a better person in many ways, and a worse person in other ways.
I have to find the silver lining in this, or else this clearly wouldn’t be written by me.
Maybe I’ll find someone else who understands me
I always have hope