Dear Old Nicki

Dear Old Nicki

Dear Old Nicki,

I’ve been talking to present me for a while but I think I might need the old me to show herself for at least a moment.

The one who didn’t give a fuck what anyone thought

The one who had her own style and set her own trends

Who wasn’t attached to her phone or worthless people

Why are you giving people so many chances to hurt you?

Yes, you learned to let shit go and focus on the positive, but how much is too much?

You don’t want to go back to being silent and losing your voice

That’s why people love and respect you

Why you love yourself

You say what needs to be said

And show no mercy

Don’t show mercy to people who are treating you like a joke and an option

Set limits

Stick to them

If people don’t like it

FUCK THEM

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Letter to Anyone: How do I know?

Letter to Anyone: How do I know?

How do I know someone cares about me? I feel like I over analyze everything and always find something wrong in the person I’m with.

It’s definitely what I’m good at

And maybe it’s partly my fault, but it’s not fully

Maybe I do have too much baggage

I remember bad things so much easier than good times.

Lately things have been so good that I feel like something is going to go wrong

I’m so used to bad stuff happening that when good happens, I self sabotage and look for bad stuff or reasons to be mad at the person I’m with

I don’t know what’s wrong with me or why this happens

I just know I want it to stop

I look up to my grand parents and see their amazing marriage and legacy that they left behind including me

And how could I not want the same?

I want to marry someone who can accept and handle me fully

Someone who wants to make me happy and someone that I want to make happy for the rest of my life

I try to prepare for the worst and hope for the best, however, I have the tendency to want things to go perfectly and smoothly.

I know that’s not life

And I know life is a beautiful, crazy mixed up, bubble of chaos

How do I stop these thoughts

I usually stop them with sleep

Or by doing something

But lately, all I can do is think

And ask people what they think

I have an issue with people who tell me to just have faith

It’s easier for me to let go of things than to trust things will work out

I’m a pro in letting go

But not believing

N. Oliva

A Letter Unsent to Someone Undeserving

A Letter Unsent to Someone Undeserving

May 19, 2018 (Originally written in my notebook)

I don’t want to be cut off or distracted by what you have to say.

I never forced anything on you. Unlike you, who cannot say the same.

You forced yourself into my life. When I first met you, I loved your energy. You were so alive and I admired that about you.

But when we reconnected last June and after the first few dates we had, I could tell something had changed within you.

Not to sound overly cliché, but you were so blue. No other way to describe you. Maybe black and blue.

Because you were so sad and dead at the same time.

When I found out what happened, a few details here and there, I could not stop thinking about it.

I needed to know more.

I knew you weren’t fully you.

I could feel the life sucked out of you. And I wanted to help you feel alive again.

When I say you forced yourself into my life, I mean that in the best way possible.

You were the first person to talk to me in the break room at Home Depot (besides people I know from orientation) and I just admired that you came up to me and told me so much about yourself. I felt like I knew you already so well from that one encounter.

You were the breath of fresh air that I needed after the past year that I had (back then).

And you’re probably one of the first reasons I even stayed at HD for as long as I did.

Let’s jump ahead because this is all of the positive stuff.

I would regret it if I did not say this to you ever.

But I had a crush on you since that first time I saw and met you.

When I added you on Facebook, before we started talking again, it was to reconnect with you.

Every time I saw you at HD, it made me happier than you’ll ever know because I had to hide it since I was with my ex then.

I even told Searra’s mom about meeting you that first time at HD and she told me to give you a chance.

Not in those exact words, but that’s another story for later.

Long story short, I was beyond glad when you messaged me first.

And here we are today.

So every time you were inconsistent with me hurt even more and shut out all of the times you made me happy.

Like I said, you told me about some things that happened with your ex and as I learned more about yourself and her relationship with you, I realized when you were actually telling me the truth.

I’m not sure of exact details between you and her.

I’m not sure who is the bigger sack of garbage.

Either way, I know how I feel now given every side that I have seen of you.

I saw the good in you for so long.

But all you have continued to show me is bad.

I overlooked it for whatever reason for so long.

Either you and your ex, deserve each other or to die alone.

Regardless, you don’t deserve me.

I know my worth and as petty or irrational as I could react to everything you did

Including blocking me with the intention to cut me out of your life

I know who I am and I hope you find who you are again and keep your garbage dump of a personality

OUT OF MY LIFE!

P.S (Written May 21, 2018)

As much as I hate to admit, I’ve never felt like anyone understood me to my core as well as you do.

I feel like one of my best friends passed away and like I’ll never see them again.

You’ve turned me into a better person in many ways, and a worse person in other ways.

I have to find the silver lining in this, or else this clearly wouldn’t be written by me.

Maybe I’ll find someone else who understands me

I always have hope

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A Letter to my Followers. What would you like to see? 

A Letter to my Followers. What would you like to see? 

For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been contemplating what I want to do with the rest of my life. 
The answer: I’d love to create. 
Film, art, maybe in the future act or write a play. But before I get ahead of myself, I need some slight inspiration from you all. I have some ideas in my mind. But I’d really like to know what you all would be interested in. 
What genres of film are your favorites? Do people watch shorts that aren’t your average funny video on YouTube? Honest question.

One idea that I’ve been throwing around in my mind, is a film with a female villain. I’m unsure of her name so far. She meets this girl Daisy, who has been struggling to find herself. And she’s really struck by Daisy’s honesty. 

I’m thinking of naming the film Spark. You’ll see why if you’re interested. 

I’m so tired of seeing all the same films about all the same things. Or films that are simply an escape from reality, without trying to add something better to reality. Beyond documentaries, not many mainstream films address struggles of your average person. 
Daisy is a sweet girl who tries to see the best in everything and everyone. She truly wants to make the world a better place. But she’s unsure how. She hasn’t had the best family upbringing, has always felt bitterness from her mother, stepdad and sister, but she appreciates everything she has been through regardless. 

What I need is a motivation for her character. What wakes her up in the morning? What wakes you up in the morning? What’s going to take this sensitive woman from wanting to stay inside all the time, from doing the complete opposite?

My struggles right now are very close to Daisy’s.

I want to start a conversation. What do you think? What do you feel? I’m here for you. Inspire me, like I hope to inspire you all. 
Nicole xoxo. 

To the Person I Love (Not for Children)

To the Person I Love (Not for Children)

To the person I love:
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I do not understand your love. It is not one of a companion. I do not want someone just to have fun with. Sure, fun is nice. But what about serious things? Cannot party cancer away. Or chron’s disease or the pain that I feel every day. I actually didn’t feel it while drunk on my birthday. So your solution is half right in the short run. But if I do have chron’s or an ulcer (which is a probability due to the pain/stress that I have) drinking will ultimately make it worse before better. I find the fact that I had the most fun with you while intoxicated saddening. Not because of the pain, etc. But because why do I have to drink for you to be fun? Is that why you drink/smoke with your friends? Can they really be that fun? Fanny and Moni are great. They have kind, nice souls. The rest can burn in hell for all I give a shit. Kevin is nice. I don’t believe Frank didn’t remember my birthday night. I think he is mad at me for what I said to a guy in a car who almost hit us on the way to McDonald’s. Not my best moment. I guess drinking does bring out the best and worst.

Maybe someday you’ll realize what you lost. Not a jealous, pain-in-the-ass girlfriend. But someone who truly loved you for you. Your big ears, your body. Maybe not your arrogant attitude towards my feelings. But I accepted you. Whether you believe it or not. I loved you. Maybe even still love. But maybe it’s time to lose you and focus on me again. I hate to quote Tupac at this serious time, but it’s me against the world. It always has been. Except for the few people who understood me from the start: Noel, Gab, maybe my Mom and my Dad. I’ve always had to explain myself or lie for people to accept me, (“Oh, I’m just tired today)– when I don’t feel like smiling.

I don’t see my outside self as beautiful but people seem to think being young and beautiful is the answer to everything. Or the color of my hair. How do either stop me from feeling what I feel? Those who have never felt the numbing of depression should shut the fuck up and not tell me not to feel. I will feel my emotions. I will cry when I’m sad.

This does not make me less than as a person. It makes me human. Not sensitive to people. But emotional and receptive to life. My emotions are my canvas/art. Welp just lost you with that one. What does that even mean right? No, I do not create my emotions. They flow from me like paint to a canvas. But you wouldn’t know that. Too illogical for you I guess. Couldn’t even finish a sculpture class, probably the most logical art out of all. Seems like you make a lot of excuses for you. But what about me? I give you everything that I think you would want, including attention. (Sorry your dick is not in my mouth constantly but I have class bud). And it is not good enough. You call me the difficult one but we could literally go to a store any day and find me a present. What about you? No, you want that or that. Who knows what that is. Only you. Because you talk all day long about nonsense to hide what you’re really feeling. But you barely communicate. When I speak, I have important shit to say. But that’s too hard for you to deal with. The important stuff. Life. My literal body in pain.

Sorry I say goodnight too many nights in a row… too monotonous for you? Too much stress having to remember to contact someone you love? Wow, you’re a different sort of asshole. You analyze everything all day except for yourself. Analyze this motherfucker. I love you. But I love me more. If this does not open your eyes. They were never open to begin with.

U 💩🐤

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Fuck love,
Nicole