Letter to Anyone: How do I know?

Letter to Anyone: How do I know?

How do I know someone cares about me? I feel like I over analyze everything and always find something wrong in the person I’m with.

It’s definitely what I’m good at

And maybe it’s partly my fault, but it’s not fully

Maybe I do have too much baggage

I remember bad things so much easier than good times.

Lately things have been so good that I feel like something is going to go wrong

I’m so used to bad stuff happening that when good happens, I self sabotage and look for bad stuff or reasons to be mad at the person I’m with

I don’t know what’s wrong with me or why this happens

I just know I want it to stop

I look up to my grand parents and see their amazing marriage and legacy that they left behind including me

And how could I not want the same?

I want to marry someone who can accept and handle me fully

Someone who wants to make me happy and someone that I want to make happy for the rest of my life

I try to prepare for the worst and hope for the best, however, I have the tendency to want things to go perfectly and smoothly.

I know that’s not life

And I know life is a beautiful, crazy mixed up, bubble of chaos

How do I stop these thoughts

I usually stop them with sleep

Or by doing something

But lately, all I can do is think

And ask people what they think

I have an issue with people who tell me to just have faith

It’s easier for me to let go of things than to trust things will work out

I’m a pro in letting go

But not believing

N. Oliva

A Letter Unsent to Someone Undeserving

A Letter Unsent to Someone Undeserving

May 19, 2018 (Originally written in my notebook)

I don’t want to be cut off or distracted by what you have to say.

I never forced anything on you. Unlike you, who cannot say the same.

You forced yourself into my life. When I first met you, I loved your energy. You were so alive and I admired that about you.

But when we reconnected last June and after the first few dates we had, I could tell something had changed within you.

Not to sound overly cliché, but you were so blue. No other way to describe you. Maybe black and blue.

Because you were so sad and dead at the same time.

When I found out what happened, a few details here and there, I could not stop thinking about it.

I needed to know more.

I knew you weren’t fully you.

I could feel the life sucked out of you. And I wanted to help you feel alive again.

When I say you forced yourself into my life, I mean that in the best way possible.

You were the first person to talk to me in the break room at Home Depot (besides people I know from orientation) and I just admired that you came up to me and told me so much about yourself. I felt like I knew you already so well from that one encounter.

You were the breath of fresh air that I needed after the past year that I had (back then).

And you’re probably one of the first reasons I even stayed at HD for as long as I did.

Let’s jump ahead because this is all of the positive stuff.

I would regret it if I did not say this to you ever.

But I had a crush on you since that first time I saw and met you.

When I added you on Facebook, before we started talking again, it was to reconnect with you.

Every time I saw you at HD, it made me happier than you’ll ever know because I had to hide it since I was with my ex then.

I even told Searra’s mom about meeting you that first time at HD and she told me to give you a chance.

Not in those exact words, but that’s another story for later.

Long story short, I was beyond glad when you messaged me first.

And here we are today.

So every time you were inconsistent with me hurt even more and shut out all of the times you made me happy.

Like I said, you told me about some things that happened with your ex and as I learned more about yourself and her relationship with you, I realized when you were actually telling me the truth.

I’m not sure of exact details between you and her.

I’m not sure who is the bigger sack of garbage.

Either way, I know how I feel now given every side that I have seen of you.

I saw the good in you for so long.

But all you have continued to show me is bad.

I overlooked it for whatever reason for so long.

Either you and your ex, deserve each other or to die alone.

Regardless, you don’t deserve me.

I know my worth and as petty or irrational as I could react to everything you did

Including blocking me with the intention to cut me out of your life

I know who I am and I hope you find who you are again and keep your garbage dump of a personality

OUT OF MY LIFE!

P.S (Written May 21, 2018)

As much as I hate to admit, I’ve never felt like anyone understood me to my core as well as you do.

I feel like one of my best friends passed away and like I’ll never see them again.

You’ve turned me into a better person in many ways, and a worse person in other ways.

I have to find the silver lining in this, or else this clearly wouldn’t be written by me.

Maybe I’ll find someone else who understands me

I always have hope

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A Letter to Myself

A Letter to Myself

So I actually wrote this letter years back on July 7, 2013 (originally written inside my sketchbook with charcoal) but I wanted to share it because what I wrote is very relevant to my current mindset.

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You’re amazing, whether people realize it or not

Dear Nicki,

So here’s the thing, I don’t know why I keep feeling like this, but I’m not happy. Things aren’t bad, but they could be better. Especially my health.  I don’t know how I’ve let it become so bad. I used to care so much about what I ate. But I guess I spent way more time alone too. I mean I’m in great shape compared to other people but I haven’t been able to eat regularly without becoming sick. I think my problem is I care too much, and I’m not a person who could turn this part of me off. It’s deeply rooted. Not just that, but I care about what people think too much. I don’t know why it is the way that I am or maybe I’m just more honest about it. I think everyone else cares too, they just like what everyone else likes, so its not a problem. Or they just go along with what everyone else says. But that has never been the way that I am. I don’t follow the crowd.

I am a renegade at heart, as corny as that may sound. And I like it that way. I don’t want what everyone else wants. I want my own life and to live it my way. I hate gossip and drama. I like the finer things in life. I mean, I can be wild sometimes. But I’d rather relax and watch a Hitchcock movie. Not Fast & the Furious or other mumbo jumbo bullshit all of the time. Movies like that are just a distraction and a fantasy. Not that Hitchcock movies don’t contain illusions or act as a distraction itself. But the story lines are still about regular people and their lives. Not stupid car racing, drug wars, or stupid corruption. I know I’ve written about what I’m about to say somewhere else but it still sticks in my head. I feel like I’m the only person like myself left sometimes.

I can talk about old movies for days. Or Hitchcock movies anyway. I haven’t seen many other old films to be completely honest. I just feel like it’s so hard to catch up while also trying to stay current. Ya know? Of course you do know everything, don’t you?

Don’t let anyone tell you any different.

ANYONE LOL

Well I hate to cut this short but it’s getting harder to write with this charcoal.

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Damn right

Love ya.

Nicole 7/7/13