A Letter Unsent to Someone Undeserving

A Letter Unsent to Someone Undeserving

May 19, 2018 (Originally written in my notebook)

I don’t want to be cut off or distracted by what you have to say.

I never forced anything on you. Unlike you, who cannot say the same.

You forced yourself into my life. When I first met you, I loved your energy. You were so alive and I admired that about you.

But when we reconnected last June and after the first few dates we had, I could tell something had changed within you.

Not to sound overly cliché, but you were so blue. No other way to describe you. Maybe black and blue.

Because you were so sad and dead at the same time.

When I found out what happened, a few details here and there, I could not stop thinking about it.

I needed to know more.

I knew you weren’t fully you.

I could feel the life sucked out of you. And I wanted to help you feel alive again.

When I say you forced yourself into my life, I mean that in the best way possible.

You were the first person to talk to me in the break room at Home Depot (besides people I know from orientation) and I just admired that you came up to me and told me so much about yourself. I felt like I knew you already so well from that one encounter.

You were the breath of fresh air that I needed after the past year that I had (back then).

And you’re probably one of the first reasons I even stayed at HD for as long as I did.

Let’s jump ahead because this is all of the positive stuff.

I would regret it if I did not say this to you ever.

But I had a crush on you since that first time I saw and met you.

When I added you on Facebook, before we started talking again, it was to reconnect with you.

Every time I saw you at HD, it made me happier than you’ll ever know because I had to hide it since I was with my ex then.

I even told Searra’s mom about meeting you that first time at HD and she told me to give you a chance.

Not in those exact words, but that’s another story for later.

Long story short, I was beyond glad when you messaged me first.

And here we are today.

So every time you were inconsistent with me hurt even more and shut out all of the times you made me happy.

Like I said, you told me about some things that happened with your ex and as I learned more about yourself and her relationship with you, I realized when you were actually telling me the truth.

I’m not sure of exact details between you and her.

I’m not sure who is the bigger sack of garbage.

Either way, I know how I feel now given every side that I have seen of you.

I saw the good in you for so long.

But all you have continued to show me is bad.

I overlooked it for whatever reason for so long.

Either you and your ex, deserve each other or to die alone.

Regardless, you don’t deserve me.

I know my worth and as petty or irrational as I could react to everything you did

Including blocking me with the intention to cut me out of your life

I know who I am and I hope you find who you are again and keep your garbage dump of a personality

OUT OF MY LIFE!

P.S (Written May 21, 2018)

As much as I hate to admit, I’ve never felt like anyone understood me to my core as well as you do.

I feel like one of my best friends passed away and like I’ll never see them again.

You’ve turned me into a better person in many ways, and a worse person in other ways.

I have to find the silver lining in this, or else this clearly wouldn’t be written by me.

Maybe I’ll find someone else who understands me

I always have hope

20180521_192314

 

 

You were born to make an amazing life

You were born to make an amazing life

You were born to make an amazing life

Not to sit around waiting for a change and making random posts on Instagram for insta-likes

You were born to feel the wind in your hair and the sun on your cheeks (face and ass if you can rock it)

You were born to conquer your fears not to become a victim to your anxieties

Don’t get me wrong

Fears, anxieties, depression, they’re all monsters that plague us.

But when you let yourself become a victim to your mind

Are you really living?

This isn’t a criticism. It’s a wake up call

Live your fucking dreams

And don’t apologize for occasionally having your head in the clouds

It’s what keeps us alive

Dreaming, hoping, loving those around us

Struggle shapes you

Don’t let it knock you too far down

You’re meant to rise back up as high mountains and show the world why you deserve your spot

Because you were born to make an amazing life

And I will keep believing this is true no matter how many bitter, miserable people attempt to bring me down and make me think I’m the one who’s naïve

Be the person of your dreams

I believe in you and I

N. Oliva

Expectations of the Sheep

Expectations of the Sheep

IMG_0874 (2)
“Drained” N. Oliva 12/2017

People think because a person has a degree that automatically they get to work a glamorous job and make stacks of money.

Sure the opportunities are out there, but what if that’s not what a person wants?

What if my goal is to work with a great team somewhere and be happy.

Of course, there are bills to pay but are we really living to work?

That’s not how I pictured my life going.

Maybe my goals are too picturesque or cliche. Not set in reality. But I don’t think it’s hard to find a nice group of people and make your job something more than that. Something you enjoy

Maybe my goals are too simple for the NYC grind and area.

Maybe my home will be somewhere out west or south or even another country.

I’m a firm believer that life is what you make it.

But what if the people around me truly are to blame for my negative outlook.

I’ve been patient for a while hoping that if I’m nice and do everything I need to do to keep the peace that maybe people would change.

Maybe they would appreciate the things that I do for them without them asking.

But these people never do.

These people are only happy when you’re doing everything they ask and nothing more. When you say what they want you to say and act like another one of the sheep like they do.

News flash

I never was a sheep and I never will be

I’m like a lotus flower wrapped in diamonds

Sculpted by the pressure and atmosphere around me

The dirt is more my friend and family than people related to me by blood at times

I know things could be so much worse

I know my life is great on the surface

I could not be living at all

I try my best to embrace each day that comes

But sometimes

Just sometimes

The thought of not waking up seems like a sweet release compared to living this life that I live

Where money has become more important to people than company

Maybe it’s time to stop being comfortable. To leave and find my tribe.

I may have lost my leaves. But trust me when I say

I will grow

And I will flourish again in the spring

I always do.

It’s in my nature

Forever blooming

dalai lama quote

 

N. Oliva

I Surrender

I Surrender

I admit defeat.

The girl who usually knows what to do has been stumped.

Never thought of you to be the one to play mind games

But here we are!

Imagine if I called or texted a guy when I was drunk?

I would be labeled desperate. But you’re a guy, so you’re just passionate.

I’m a grown fucking woman, yet I can’t decide when to talk to the person I’m in a relationship with.

The same bullshit busy excuse. I was used to it at one point but now it just makes me nauseous

This is either the last time I let you make me feel like this or a series of unfortunate events leading up to the last time.

Excuse my anger, believe it or not, I love and appreciate all of the good moments we have shared. But to date, those good times have been replaced with fighting, fighting, and more fighting!

If only you would really communicate with me. You say I’m terrible at communicating, but ha, you leave so many things left unsaid and then randomly blow up on me.

I learned how to let off steam in middle school. If being with me makes you that anxious to share your feelings, I don’t know what relationship you have been a part of.

I can, however, tell you how it feels from my end.

Mostly me missing you, wanting to talk to you. Occasionally share things that have happened in my day. Yes, sometimes I do want to talk all day! It’s almost like you’re my significant other.. haha. Fuck me for thinking you should have my back or see somewhat eye-to-eye with me on matters like such.

I know the last time you told me you were lonely I could have reacted better. Been like:

“Babe, I miss you too.”

Because it was one hundred percent true! I did realllyyyy miss you.

But past a certain point, it feels like I’m just waiting for you to return feelings that I know that I have for you.

I’m not just sitting around playing with my thumbs. I may not be attending school anymore (I graduated, thank the lord)

I’m not even sure if I ever shared with you how hard my last semester was for me. I don’t think I did.

Here are some feelings again: Try not to be daunted

I was depressed. Deeply depressed. I didn’t want to go to class, I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I wanted to sleep all day and night. I especially did not want to do my school work, because I didn’t think I was capable, I could barely focus at all on anything besides the thought of not wanting to breathe anymore.

But I pushed myself forward. Relied on whoever I could to help me with my struggles, went to therapy whenever I could, which truly did help. (I thank you for helping me reach out and realize I needed to talk to a professional psychologist/therapist) Was the best thing I could have ever done for myself at that point. I also, started a new job at a place I never thought I could handle, I worked sales! I walked around and helped people for sometimes nine hours a day! With a smile on my face, I might add.

But you don’t recognize that I only use that fake smile on people I don’t know. The real smile pops up when I’m around people who let me be me.

At the start of us talking and hanging out, I really did think I could be myself. I don’t know when the switch really happened.

I know I get jealous, I know I can be a hot head at times. I don’t deny any of that. But you never tried to ease my insecurities in person. Just made it seem like I was trying to ruin your day. What a selfish way of looking at it.

 

You listed alllll of your problems to me recently. You know when. Apparently, I’m one of your problems, why your life sucks.

I’m one of your melancholy buddies from home.

Oh, joy. What an honor to have made your list.

I should quit my bitching and smack a smile on my face to make every man who has ever judged me for not smiling happily.

Didn’t realize I was honored to be with such an upstanding respectful guy.

Hide your emotions, we don’t need those. We can just push them away and away until you snap like I do babe.

Except when I snap, I’m a hot head. When you snap, you passed your breaking point.

 

See my problem here?

Besides the textbook gaslighting, which you probably still don’t understand.

 

You limit me. Yes, I said it.

I don’t need to mope around all day. But what I do need is someone willing to listen to me when I have some issues with my life that I need to get off my chest.

You pride yourself on being a modern upstanding guy. News flash. Licking a girl’s twat now and again doesn’t make you a prince.

Yes, you’re a nice guy, that people can definitely have fun with. As a boyfriend. There’s no word or phrase to describe you besides selectively loving and caring.

 

I’m in love with the guy that I think you are and can be. Sadly, I barely see him in you and your actions anymore.

I surrender.

Tell me I’m crazy.

Gaslight me.

Then try to tell me everything you think I should hear Mr. Smug.

What else is new with you. Nothing.

 

White towel thrown.

 

 

 

 

N. Oliva

 

 

When Did it Become Okay?

When Did it Become Okay?

screenshot_2016-11-28-14-04-44-1
Artwork by La Femme Cheri. Check her out on instagram @La_Femme_Cheri  The Gaff Blog does not own this image

When did it become okay to pass laws that target one sect of people that the lawmakers are not apart of?

And do not give me that easy bullshit answer about trying to maintain impartiality. If that were the case, when we speak about abortion rights we would solely be discussing the facts. Not this or that person’s opinion of what a woman should do with her own pregnancy. We would not be pitting fact against proven fiction to show where the truth lies.

We wouldn’t be telling people which bathroom they should be using.

Let’s cut the bullshit.

The bathroom that someone uses does not effect anyone else besides the user.
What does effect people: their thoughts. They perceive someone as out of the norm and they want to control those that step outside their zone of normal.

I have used the men’s bathroom several times. Hairs didn’t pop out of my chest.
I didn’t tickle or bother someone as I walked out. Most of the time there was no one else in the bathroom at all.
Most of the time, it’s a single stall bathroom and I went in there because the women’s bathroom was occupied.
With these facts in mind, almost no one cares that I did it.
See how facts work? They justify actions.
They show people’s motives and intentions for doing what they did.

People aren’t so black and white.
People are the colors that make up the rainbow.
Let people be people.

Not another drone in your controlled scheme.

 

N. Oliva

Xoxo

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Artwork by La Femme Cheri, check her out on instagram @La_Femme_Cheri  The Gaff Blog does not own this image. 

 

 

 

Seasons

Seasons

When you think about your life, what do you think?

What do you like about your life?

What could you do without?

Which memories could you relive for the rest of your life?

Which would you dispose of within an instant?

Why?

Why not?

What do you dream of late at night?

What dreams or nightmares wake you up in the morning?

Are you counting up your blessings?

Or adding up your problems?

Do you think of sharing your life with someone?

Who?

What thoughts cross your mind when you wake up?

Is it possible to wake down?

Is your life taking you for a spin?

Enjoy the ride. Enjoy the tide. Enjoy the highs.

And the lows that make the highs feel even better

Go surfing

Go ice skating

Go kayaking

You were made to make a parade of life

Not a pity party

Pity a starry night because it cannot look at itself to see how beautiful it is

Many times

Times many

Yoda

Star Wars

Citizen Kane

Rosebud

Roses bud

Spring out and flourish

Until the first frost

The seasons are like life

Winter

Starts out rough

A learning experience

April showers bring may flowers

May flowers and trees bring allergies

Who guessed a person who loved the environment would be allergic to trees?

Summer

A joy to experience

Almost everyone’s favorite season

Except that friend who insists snow is their favorite thing on earth

Fall

Leaves change colors

Your hair changes color

Leaves start to fall

How’s your hair looking old fart?

I think you can guess where this is heading

This is the way the world ends

This is the way the world ends

This is the way the world ends

Not with a bang but a whimper

 

N. Oliva

seasons-tree

Why I Don’t Fear the Dark or the Light

Why I Don’t Fear the Dark or the Light

As we grow older, we realize who the real monsters are

tumblr pic

Today, I was woken up by a night-light.

I hate night lights.

They serve no purpose other than stopping children’s irrational fears.

I do not mind them in a dark hallway or even your dark bathroom at night.

But they serve no purpose in a bedroom.

Maybe I’m just irritated because I was woken up at 4:30 am by one.

I do not fear the dark because I have grown to realize that the real monsters in this world are people walking around in your average day light hours. They’re the people who force you to smile when you’re not happy and in general create the pressure to be someone you are not. They may not even entirely be responsible for having this mentality. In a way, I presume that people who are like this are just miserable and were not taught to love.

When you love. You accept. Regardless of the good and bad.

Of the roughness and the stress.

Please do not mistake what I mean. If you are in an abusive relationship, you should certainly get out of it and find the strength in yourself to move forward, if not for anyone else, for you.

I know for a fact that is easier said than done. Especially when children are involved. I do not know from personal experience in my own partnered relationships. But I do know this from experiences that my mom and sister have had around me while growing up. When you create a life with someone, a literal, screaming, pooping life, it is hard to disconnect from the person that you created that with.

Even when you have not had a child with a partner in a relationship. It is hard to let go.

Whether the relationship is good or not. You shared a life with someone.

And you may or may not feel that you want to share the rest of your life with that person.

But if your significant other does not feel the same, then it is up to you to either let them go and be happy or be miserable hoping for something that may not be in the plan for you.

It seems odd that anyone could be happy right after a break up and that is not ideal. But what you should feel after a break up is the feeling that you grew and learned something from your significant other. Whether you learned to not trust them or whether you learned something about yourself or them, you learned something.

I have learned that for me to feel free and comfortable with someone, that I  must be able to share my feelings with them. I know now the person that I am with (now or in the future) should not have to complete me. One of my good friends helped me and calmly explained that your significant other should not complete you, but they should compliment you. I had a difficult time grasping this at first, but I let it sit in my mind for a while after admitting my confusion to my friend.

I do not need someone to be at my beck and call all day. I should not have to talk to you all day to feel at ease, nor should you contact me all day to feel at ease. However, it’s my personal opinion, that if your partner has insecurities that you should attempt to work with them and put these insecurities to rest. And this is of course if you are in a loving relationship. I do not expect you to do this for someone who you just started going out with. That may sound ridiculous to some. But I am always friends with someone before I can even attempt to think of them in a loving way. Maybe I am old fashioned. But if I love someone, I love them completely. I have to genuinely like someone and their character, in order to love them. Maybe that’s overly logical or even sappy. But that’s my version of love. I cannot speak for anyone else. We all have different comfort zones and perspectives.

Now to the light.

The light is beautiful. I hate to get all philosophical right now. But don’t let it hurt your eyes

I remember the Allegory of the Cave by Plato from my freshman year of college. I also read it again, I believe, in my sophomore year of college as well, in a totally different class and college. I’ll admit my memory is pretty horrible so it usually takes a couple of times for me to process more deep works of literature. So the second time I understood it a lot better. Especially after dealing with some dark and light in my own life.

We all need some darkness to appreciate the light.

But we also should not fear either, or let the light wreck our vision.

This vision could be your literal eye sight, world view or perspective. I don’t say this to be complicated.

I believe everything that you see and do was meant to be to create the person that you are today. If you did not experience something, then you wouldn’t be the same.

If you went to a different high school, lived in a different city or borough (for my NYC peeps). If you made it into your dream school or your second choice (or third, or fourth choice lol, don’t give up!).

Whatever happened, happened. And you cannot go back. So like I’ve said before, easier said than done, but do not regret anything. Try the best as you can to move forward with yourself, even if you’re the only person on your side at the moment. I do not say this to be sad or grim. I admit I have felt many times that I was alone when I truly was not. Sometimes it is very difficult to see the love from others through your anger and insecurities. But when you do see it and feel it…

Screenshot taken by an Android phone **The Gaff Blog does not own this image**
Screenshot taken by an Android phone **The Gaff Blog does not own this image** You go too guy! Don’t worry about all the pink. Keep reading! lol. 

Give thanks.

The worst thing you can be during or after a relationship is ungrateful.

You do not learn anything from being ungrateful. Trust me.

All you learn is how to be stubborn and to only see your point of view.

The challenge of true love is living your best life while also keeping your partners perspective in mind and compromising when you need to. Or if you feel you should.

If you feel you should. Go for it. No one is stopping you.

The worst they can possibly say is no. Or get mad in some cases I guess.

Screenshot from an Android phone **The Gaff Blog does not own this image** Characters from Boy Meets World Topanga and Cory
Screenshot from an Android phone **The Gaff Blog does not own this image** Characters from Boy Meets World Topanga and Cory

The one thing I feel I should add at this point is relationships are not only about the good stuff. Yes, there are some bad days. Some days when you are so stressed that you hate everyone or want to share all of your anger with one person. And maybe they do not want to hear it. And you should respect that. You definitely should.

But if the person you are with cannot handle you. If your stress is too much for them. You need to find better outlets.

I promise I mean this out of the kindness of my heart. Whatever outlet you need. Whether it’s a best friend, or Tumblr. Or my personal favorite, my blog here on WordPress lol. This is not a plug I swear. If I got paid to say this I would not have shared my personal feelings with you all.

Whatever your outlet is, use it.

Go to a therapist if you genuinely think you could benefit. But for you. Not for anyone else.

You are your star and your priority. Your partner does not necessarily have to be your number one.

But they should be a priority. I will not put a number on it. Because that is not fair to some.

Some people are introverted and grow a small and succinct group of friends that they cherish and keep close to them.

Other people are extroverted and make friends in the blink of an eye and might not even talk to this same person they met a year from now. And that’s not insensitive, that’s just life.

Some people are not meant to be there forever. Some are there for fun. For happiness.

Maybe some are there to share in your grief, or give you another point of view to consider.

But give thanks. Do not let the people you love and cherish ever feel like they are undeserving or that they are worthless.

Everyone and every soul is worth something.

You are worth something.

Trust me.

Even in the dark I’ve had the benefit of knowing that I am worth something to myself at least, I need to be here for me.

To live a great life. Ending it does not solve anything. It does not teach you anything.

I have learned so much from my experience with the dark and I have also learned a great amount from the light.

Different things, but important nonetheless.

From the dark, I have learned what I can handle. I can handle death of a loved one. Even though I obviously miss them and wish I could have their point of view on someone that I love right now. I would love to have a long chat with my Papa about my problems right now. I know he would listen and after all of it he would probably tell a story and maybe a joke at the end. And regardless of the story or joke, I would feel better because someone listened to me and shared with me as well.

Screenshot taken with an Android phone **The Gaff Blog does not own this image** Quote with Pink (Artist/Singer/Entertainer)
Screenshot taken with an Android phone **The Gaff Blog does not own this image** Quote with Pink (Artist/Singer/Entertainer)

Maybe I’m simple, or maybe I’m complex. I do not believe I am either.

I am so in the middle of simple and complex that I am still to this day an enigma to myself.

I do not think we ever truly know ourselves. I think some might know. But I think we are all constantly growing and evolving and grow into ourselves endlessly.

I’m not sorry for my endless metaphors lol.

I’m trying not to say sorry anymore unless I need to. So the opposite of that is saying that I am not sorry.

I’m not sorry that I loved.

I’m not sorry if I lost the one that I loved.

I do not believe that I lost him. But if I did, life goes on.

I do not regret anything.

If you do not have closure I hope you get it somehow. I think I’ve reached my closure.

Tomorrow I could be crying all day about this again, who knows.

But I am constantly striving to be the best me I can be. Whatever that means.

Be the best you. If that makes you feel bad, then you’re being blinded by the light.

Do not hate me for trying to make you better.

Do not hate your mom for telling you to be safe when you go out.

Or your girlfriend for getting mad at you when you don’t share with her or don’t say goodnight back.

These people love you.

I love you and I don’t even know you.

I appreciate the dark and the light because they are important and have taught me so much about my number one

That’s me. I’m number one. Not compared to others.

I’m number one to me. For me. Nobody else. Unless they want me to be number one lol.

Cute hippo :) lol. All of you is beautiful. Trust me!
Cute hippo 🙂 lol. All of you is beautiful. Trust me!

Don’t be afraid to live.

Don’t be afraid to have fun.

Do not say no to something that cannot hurt you.

Say yes to life.

Yes to fun.

Yes to new experiences.

Otherwise, you’ll just be in your house or apartment all day hating the world.

Please do not hate the world. I understand hating some people (haven’t we all felt that at some point)

But as cliche as it sounds, the world is yours.

You create or destroy the fun.

You create or destroy yourself.

You create. Point blank.

I love to create.

I love to draw.

I love writing on this blog.

I love writing in my sketch book of all places.

Some people might have cringed just hearing that but my sketch books have always been like a personal diary for me.

Whatever I feel, I put it in the sketch book. I have literally three or four books to draw, paint and write in.

I have this blog too. Which is even better.

If you feel you have no one. Look again.

If you still can’t find them. Put yourself out there.

There may be someone looking for you too.

You have the power **Screenshot taken with an Android phone. The Gaff Blog does not own this image** Dorothy's red slippers.
You have the power **Screenshot taken with an Android phone. The Gaff Blog does not own this image** Dorothy’s red slippers.

Thank you for reading this,

Nicole