When I think about what I want for my life, the present the future, etc., sometimes I’m very torn. Maybe I’m asking too much of myself to even know what I want to do with the rest of my life.
At times, I want a life where you know, I make a lot of many and I’m financially able to do whatever I want. But when I think about it realistically I know this financially competent life will not come to me easily.
Other times, when I take a moment to pause and see what’s around me. I am so thankful that my life is great in a very simple way. For those who do not know, I am 23 years old, so pardon me if I’m speaking beyond my years, but I’m happy that I was raised having great pride for where I come from even though my origins do not necessarily involve great assets or a family business. The community of people who have raised me has all done great in their own way. Though they do not get large recognition for this, does not change how wonderful they are.
So continuing with my own thoughts and what I want with my life I think I want a happy medium of the two lifestyles I keep pushing myself towards. Nothing extreme. I don’t mind working hard, don’t get me wrong. But when I have children, for example, I want to be a part of their lives. Not just for a few hours a day. I want to make breakfast for them. Ask them how their day was when they leave school. Simple things like this that could affect their lives positively. Having that person you can always go to talk to is important to me. I know not all children want to be attached to their parents, and I hope I won’t appear to be one of those parents trying to be cool either. But I do want them to feel like I’m a person they can trust and come to with whatever thoughts or concerns they have. Even questions I might not be able to answer, or in some instances, questions and concerns that may be off-color or traditionally hard to speak about.
When I think what I want for my life: I want to do everything I’m anxious to do, but also not too many things or jobs that steal from my joy.
That’s really general, I know. Which makes it even more difficult to figure out what exactly I want to do for a career.
First and foremost, I like writing on this blog because there’s no obligation.
Second, I created this blog, so it’s one hundred percent under my control.
I don’t have a boss telling me when to blog. The only parameters I basically have are an audience that I have to attract through WordPress reader or social media. And believe it or not, I love that challenge. When I started this blog, the challenge was very new, and even two years later there’s still an ever-changing challenge to find you guys who have the patience and the want to read my posts.
It’s not that I don’t like authority or working with a boss. I just hate having to deal with that traditional boss that overreaches and in general, just makes your life less about you.
I don’t think it’s narcissistic to want my life to be about me, and doing what I want that brings me joy.
I hate this notion some people have that your job doesn’t have to be something you like doing, that you go for the money, because every time I’m at my wit’s end at a job that I don’t like and I’m doing simply for the money, I get back to the same problem I’m having currently: grappling with my own thoughts on my future.
What do I want to do with my life?
Things that add joy my life, provide a challenge, give me something new to tackle and somewhere in between there, hopefully, those things can provide me some income.
Those who know me personally know I’d love a life and career in some form related to film work. I know that getting a start in a film career is not easy. But I’ve already gotten two production gigs under my belt. If things work positively, maybe I’ll be hiring production assistants sometime in the future!
To introduce the topic I will say that today’s Art Tuesday will discuss being an introvert.
When I was 17 or 18 years old, I wrote “Problems of An Introvert“ about myself, and my personal problems to let off some steam. Problems of An Introvert is not about all introverts, it is about this introvert, writing this post aka me 😛 ( and if you can read my horrid hand writing the subheading is: AKA Shy Kid, also referring to me) Thus, I apologize for my ignorance or anything that is outright false because while it has only been a couple of years ( I am 21 years old now) I have learned a lot since then. I am not the only introvert on the planet. And I will address now that although my first and second problem noted discuss shyness which is a major misconception of being introverted – a lot of people assume that all introverts are shy. I personally happen to be a shy introvert. However, this is certainly not true for all introverted people.
Problems of an Introvert page one: (I am writing them over in case people cannot read my chicken scratch lol)
1. The obvious being shy
2. Overcoming the shyness.
Since one and two both discuss shyness I will talk about them in conjunction. When I was younger, I was very confused and did not know myself as well. So yes, I was shy. But, I also was simply less comfortable with myself and my introvertedness so I did not know how to make myself happy. I did not realize that I needed some rest time in between seeing people. My family did not necessarily respect privacy when I was younger and so I was always with someone on my back, not letting me be me. Knowing myself a lot better now and learning to deal with my introvertedness (not my shyness) has in turn made me understand how to live better and to deal with everyone a lot better. I was and am still shy when I first meet people. I will never run up to anyone and start an off-the-cuff conversation about foolish things. But I realize that everyone is not trying to trigger my anxiety. Just everyone is different and that is ok. There are more people like me. Introverts generally act the way I do. Yes, we’ll talk to you. But actually engage us in conversation one-on-one and we’ll be your best friend. We cannot handle all of the pressure of large crowds or a cafeteria like setting. It’s too much for our brains to take in. We prefer laid-back settings to talk and get to know people. Occasionally I will go to a party. But I’m probably the first to leave or I will be making myself comfortable in a quiet corner or nook 😛
Introverts do not thrive on human interaction the way extroverts do. For an introvert, hanging out with people can be compared to working out. The more people we hang out with, the more our brain works to process everything and keep up. Throw some loud music and a crowd and we’re basically running a marathon. Speaking of marathons. Not saying an introvert wouldn’t do one. But they might need a day or two to rest from running and people after they go through with it.
For a better interpretation of what being introverted means I suggest “How To Love Your Introvert” by Kevin Yang a Button Poetry video on Youtube.
3. People assuming you want to be alone (in some cases, but 8 out or 10 times totally wrong, and actually the opposite),
Yes, introverts need off time to recharge (for lack of a better term) but that does not mean we need to be home alone all of the time. Introverts are not necessarily lazy, or incapable home bodies. However, as said we prefer cool, laid-back settings. Most parties are not laid-back. So fix the setting of your party before you invite your favorite introvert.
4. Assholes that take advantage of them (most introverts are nice, but maybe not in a smiley kind of way. I myself do things for people to show them I care/like them as a person)
Listen, stop telling to me to smile on first sight of my face. I do not live to please everyone. Nor do I need to smile all day to prove that I am happy. Did you ever think to ask if someone is happy before assuming they are miserable because they do not have a smile pasted on their face? Well maybe now you should. That’s all I will say about this.
If you want a laugh check out my post on button poetry which has two Youtube videos related to this specific problem 🙂
5. Personally, I am a perfectionist. I hate confrontation. I’m picky. I don’t like talking about my feelings, however I am very emotional/sentimental. I’m good at criticizing but I can’t take criticism from other people. I get into a vicious cycle of unhappiness and can’t get out (frequently)
This problem may simply be my own personal one. But I am not discussing how I am actually feeling when you ask me how I am. And even when I do say something other than good and fine, people seem to think that’s weird or do not actually engage me anyhow. So sorry for not following your stupid routine but I do have feelings that you do not need to hear about, nor do you actually care.
If you’re going to ask me how I am, you can expect an answer other than good. Otherwise, do not bother me with your stupid small talk.
6. I’m horrible at small talk. When people ask me simple questions I give simple answers. It’s always like “How are you?” or “What’s up?” And I’m like good or fine. Even if I’m having a horrible day.
As an introvert, small talk never rubbed me the right way. I never understood why people would ask me how I am doing if they did not actually care for a response beyond good or fine. Even when I say fine, people have literally said: “Just fine?” as if I’m lying or fine was not good enough for them. Apparently, I have to stroke everyone’s ego when I give my response. And god forbid I do not say “And you?” back to them right away. Got into an argument about this one. If I do not say it right away I was perhaps thinking, or you know do not actually care about you. Sorry for the honesty, but that’s the blunt truth motherfucker. Not everyone cares about you damn it. I’ll say it straight to your face.
7. I’m not very spontaneous. I usually like to have a routine or I start to feel/become restless.
Again, I do not know if this specific trait is universal to introverts, but for myself personally, I have always needed something to do or I start cleaning like a crazy person because that was the only thing I could think to do. Plus it is productive. Did I mention the thing had to be productive? lol. My routine must be filled with things to do that are productive.
Or cleaning the whole house.
8. At my worst (without personal time to recharge) I’m moody, lazy, apathetic, I procrastinate, so therefore, I’m also probably stressed out, and I keep to myself more.
When people do not allow me the time I need to recharge I am the worst person on the planet. I insult everyone around me. I am irritable. I will criticize you until you are on the brink of cutting yourself. If you do not want this dragon lady version of me to come out. Please respect my time and allow me to do whatever the fuck I want by myself. And I will reemerge as the lovely lady people all know and love (I hope they like/love me 😄 lol.)
Also, personally I always procrastinate if I can, because I know I can get the job done just as well anyway. Any college student who writes long papers overnight can agree and sympathize 😀 ! lol.
I got an A on a 10 page paper I wrote overnight. What about you? You planned yours out a week/month ahead of time? Aw that’s sweet hun lol. Get on my level XD.
9. If I do not automatically feel comfortable with people, then I do not hang out with them. So I’m kind of picky with friends too.
I cannot claim this is a universal problem for introverts either, but I have always used my intuition when it comes to meeting new people especially people who could potentially become a friend. Which is why I also hate the typical small talk of people asking how I am doing. If you do not care for a real and honest response, then we probably will not be friends or even acquaintances in the future. I will be nothing except myself when talking to you. Do not expect lollipops and rainbows with me.
So the last page of Problems is just one. But it’s a major one that seems to be a problem with people’s perception of introverts or shy people who do not vomit everything they feel out:
10. Expressing feelings.
Some introverts may seem cold or mean maybe even passive aggressive because they either have a hard time expressing their feelings or do not wish to share with everyone they ever meet.
I personally am so good at hiding how I am feeling, it’s definitely a problem because I end up holding things in and I may or may not end up blowing up on people if I reach a certain point.
When I really like someone and reach a certain level of comfortability with them, my true colors come out.
So to explain this one, basically, getting to know an introvert is a process. You will not know everything about them, especially me, until you get to know them a lot better. I personally need to spend a lot of time with someone and possibly share a lot with them before considering them my best friend. One day at six flags is not necessarily making them my bestie. Speaking of that, I hate roller coasters. Do not assume everyone likes six flags 😛
Everyone who likes six flags is already there. Go with them 😄
To end this discussion, I share a self portrait of myself that I drew within the same time span that I wrote Problems of an Introvert
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