I Surrender

I Surrender

I admit defeat.

The girl who usually knows what to do has been stumped.

Never thought of you to be the one to play mind games

But here we are!

Imagine if I called or texted a guy when I was drunk?

I would be labeled desperate. But you’re a guy, so you’re just passionate.

I’m a grown fucking woman, yet I can’t decide when to talk to the person I’m in a relationship with.

The same bullshit busy excuse. I was used to it at one point but now it just makes me nauseous

This is either the last time I let you make me feel like this or a series of unfortunate events leading up to the last time.

Excuse my anger, believe it or not, I love and appreciate all of the good moments we have shared. But to date, those good times have been replaced with fighting, fighting, and more fighting!

If only you would really communicate with me. You say I’m terrible at communicating, but ha, you leave so many things left unsaid and then randomly blow up on me.

I learned how to let off steam in middle school. If being with me makes you that anxious to share your feelings, I don’t know what relationship you have been a part of.

I can, however, tell you how it feels from my end.

Mostly me missing you, wanting to talk to you. Occasionally share things that have happened in my day. Yes, sometimes I do want to talk all day! It’s almost like you’re my significant other.. haha. Fuck me for thinking you should have my back or see somewhat eye-to-eye with me on matters like such.

I know the last time you told me you were lonely I could have reacted better. Been like:

“Babe, I miss you too.”

Because it was one hundred percent true! I did realllyyyy miss you.

But past a certain point, it feels like I’m just waiting for you to return feelings that I know that I have for you.

I’m not just sitting around playing with my thumbs. I may not be attending school anymore (I graduated, thank the lord)

I’m not even sure if I ever shared with you how hard my last semester was for me. I don’t think I did.

Here are some feelings again: Try not to be daunted

I was depressed. Deeply depressed. I didn’t want to go to class, I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I wanted to sleep all day and night. I especially did not want to do my school work, because I didn’t think I was capable, I could barely focus at all on anything besides the thought of not wanting to breathe anymore.

But I pushed myself forward. Relied on whoever I could to help me with my struggles, went to therapy whenever I could, which truly did help. (I thank you for helping me reach out and realize I needed to talk to a professional psychologist/therapist) Was the best thing I could have ever done for myself at that point. I also, started a new job at a place I never thought I could handle, I worked sales! I walked around and helped people for sometimes nine hours a day! With a smile on my face, I might add.

But you don’t recognize that I only use that fake smile on people I don’t know. The real smile pops up when I’m around people who let me be me.

At the start of us talking and hanging out, I really did think I could be myself. I don’t know when the switch really happened.

I know I get jealous, I know I can be a hot head at times. I don’t deny any of that. But you never tried to ease my insecurities in person. Just made it seem like I was trying to ruin your day. What a selfish way of looking at it.

 

You listed alllll of your problems to me recently. You know when. Apparently, I’m one of your problems, why your life sucks.

I’m one of your melancholy buddies from home.

Oh, joy. What an honor to have made your list.

I should quit my bitching and smack a smile on my face to make every man who has ever judged me for not smiling happily.

Didn’t realize I was honored to be with such an upstanding respectful guy.

Hide your emotions, we don’t need those. We can just push them away and away until you snap like I do babe.

Except when I snap, I’m a hot head. When you snap, you passed your breaking point.

 

See my problem here?

Besides the textbook gaslighting, which you probably still don’t understand.

 

You limit me. Yes, I said it.

I don’t need to mope around all day. But what I do need is someone willing to listen to me when I have some issues with my life that I need to get off my chest.

You pride yourself on being a modern upstanding guy. News flash. Licking a girl’s twat now and again doesn’t make you a prince.

Yes, you’re a nice guy, that people can definitely have fun with. As a boyfriend. There’s no word or phrase to describe you besides selectively loving and caring.

 

I’m in love with the guy that I think you are and can be. Sadly, I barely see him in you and your actions anymore.

I surrender.

Tell me I’m crazy.

Gaslight me.

Then try to tell me everything you think I should hear Mr. Smug.

What else is new with you. Nothing.

 

White towel thrown.

 

 

 

 

N. Oliva

 

 

A Letter to Someone I Love: Everything I Didn’t Tell You

A Letter to Someone I Love: Everything I Didn’t Tell You

A Letter to Someone I Love: Everything I Didn’t Tell You

Photo found on tumblr **The Gaff Blog does not own this image**
Photo found on tumblr **The Gaff Blog does not own this image**

I’m sorry. I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry I stressed you out. I was angry. I know this doesn’t excuse my words or actions. But I didn’t mean it. Your brain isn’t rotten. You have a great mind that can achieve anything. I truly believe that. Even if we do not become one again, I hope for the best for you. Not because you were mine. But because I was yours as well. You’re the one person I never wanted to hurt in any way and I failed. Failed miserably. Mostly because of factors outside of your control. My insecurities together with horrible timing. When we met and got together being with you was heaven but at the end we created hell for each other. I know it’s unrealistic to promise that we’ll be in heaven again, but I hope maybe someday you will feel that. Not just with me, with anyone.

Heaven and Earth are open to you, if you accept them. I cannot promise fights will not happen. That would be a stupid promise to make. But I promise that I learned my lesson. I had the world given to me and I was overcome by petty nonsense. I don’t even believe God is on my side right now. When I was miserable in the past, I asked him for happiness and I truly believe that he gave me that in the form of you. I can’t pinpoint when it started to go south for us, but I do know where I went wrong. I couldn’t understand why you wanted to party on our first anniversary with your theater buddies. But as I thought about it recently I thought perhaps you wanted your friends to meet me.

If that is the case, that is the first time my insecurities blind-sided me to your love. After that, I remember when I was really torn up about not being accepted to the film program at my school. I’m not sure if you grasped how much it truly hurt me. It was not simply people critiquing my work. He called it horrible. Being rejected from the film program hurt, not because they stopped me from making films, but because they rejected my mind. I never thought I would be mainstream. I am a person that is either loved or hated. I do not think there is an in between.

I’ve learned a lot since being rejected from the film program. Not that my films or thought process is bad. But that I have a unique mind. I don’t believe I see the world how other people see it. And that’s ok.

I fell in love with you because I believe we are very similar although obviously very different at the same time. We have both mistreated people who have been there for us. I remember our talk before you left for school. I hope you do as well. If our moms can forgive us for all of the crap that we put them through, then I do not need more proof that love exists.

Sure, we may react differently to many things, but I do think we have a similar thought process. I agree I have become more radical than I was in the past but I did always have my liberal feminist views inside me. You know what opened my eyes? The group I followed on Facebook silenced me when I defended you. I never named you but mentioned fights that we had about certain issues and they basically said that they could never do that. That they wouldn’t. How can you learn anything from only speaking with like-minded people? I know you don’t care much about politics but your points of view never bothered me. Even when you proved me wrong. I was better for learning something I didn’t know.

I hope in all of our years together (seems weird writing it) I hope you’ve learned some things from me as well. Not just about me, but about yourself. Before I was with you, I was scared to show my nerdy side, for lack of a better word. Now I do not give a fuck what people think about my 2DS or Yoshi shirt. I truly bonded with my friend Iris talking about Clefable! It felt great to have a conversation like that about my interests that mattered to me. But also about something that wasn’t too serious.

I used to hate small talk because I never knew what to say. But from you I know that if you like or know someone, the easiest way to break the ice and start a good friendship is saying “hi.” I do not expect you to forgive me right away or ever. I really don’t even know how to end this.

Can we start again?

Hi.

I’m Nicole.

I don’t want you to be like anyone else.

This is not to take away from others.

But I like how different you are.

I love how vibrant you are when you are happy.

When you’re happy

You have a smile that gives the world hope.

When I was sad and alone at Bard,

you gave me hope.

If this letter does that for you and nothing more,

I have achieved what I wanted.

I hate to be sentimental on this hypothetical re-meeting (if that’s what you want to call this)

But I’m sorry.

I love you

If you have to be free from me to be happy. I understand.

I hope you’ll say “Hi” back.

Screenshot from an Android phone **The Gaff Blog does not own this image** Characters from Boy Meets World Topanga and Cory
Screenshot from an Android phone **The Gaff Blog does not own this image** Characters from Boy Meets World Topanga and Cory

Nicole

Why I Don’t Fear the Dark or the Light

Why I Don’t Fear the Dark or the Light

As we grow older, we realize who the real monsters are

tumblr pic

Today, I was woken up by a night-light.

I hate night lights.

They serve no purpose other than stopping children’s irrational fears.

I do not mind them in a dark hallway or even your dark bathroom at night.

But they serve no purpose in a bedroom.

Maybe I’m just irritated because I was woken up at 4:30 am by one.

I do not fear the dark because I have grown to realize that the real monsters in this world are people walking around in your average day light hours. They’re the people who force you to smile when you’re not happy and in general create the pressure to be someone you are not. They may not even entirely be responsible for having this mentality. In a way, I presume that people who are like this are just miserable and were not taught to love.

When you love. You accept. Regardless of the good and bad.

Of the roughness and the stress.

Please do not mistake what I mean. If you are in an abusive relationship, you should certainly get out of it and find the strength in yourself to move forward, if not for anyone else, for you.

I know for a fact that is easier said than done. Especially when children are involved. I do not know from personal experience in my own partnered relationships. But I do know this from experiences that my mom and sister have had around me while growing up. When you create a life with someone, a literal, screaming, pooping life, it is hard to disconnect from the person that you created that with.

Even when you have not had a child with a partner in a relationship. It is hard to let go.

Whether the relationship is good or not. You shared a life with someone.

And you may or may not feel that you want to share the rest of your life with that person.

But if your significant other does not feel the same, then it is up to you to either let them go and be happy or be miserable hoping for something that may not be in the plan for you.

It seems odd that anyone could be happy right after a break up and that is not ideal. But what you should feel after a break up is the feeling that you grew and learned something from your significant other. Whether you learned to not trust them or whether you learned something about yourself or them, you learned something.

I have learned that for me to feel free and comfortable with someone, that I  must be able to share my feelings with them. I know now the person that I am with (now or in the future) should not have to complete me. One of my good friends helped me and calmly explained that your significant other should not complete you, but they should compliment you. I had a difficult time grasping this at first, but I let it sit in my mind for a while after admitting my confusion to my friend.

I do not need someone to be at my beck and call all day. I should not have to talk to you all day to feel at ease, nor should you contact me all day to feel at ease. However, it’s my personal opinion, that if your partner has insecurities that you should attempt to work with them and put these insecurities to rest. And this is of course if you are in a loving relationship. I do not expect you to do this for someone who you just started going out with. That may sound ridiculous to some. But I am always friends with someone before I can even attempt to think of them in a loving way. Maybe I am old fashioned. But if I love someone, I love them completely. I have to genuinely like someone and their character, in order to love them. Maybe that’s overly logical or even sappy. But that’s my version of love. I cannot speak for anyone else. We all have different comfort zones and perspectives.

Now to the light.

The light is beautiful. I hate to get all philosophical right now. But don’t let it hurt your eyes

I remember the Allegory of the Cave by Plato from my freshman year of college. I also read it again, I believe, in my sophomore year of college as well, in a totally different class and college. I’ll admit my memory is pretty horrible so it usually takes a couple of times for me to process more deep works of literature. So the second time I understood it a lot better. Especially after dealing with some dark and light in my own life.

We all need some darkness to appreciate the light.

But we also should not fear either, or let the light wreck our vision.

This vision could be your literal eye sight, world view or perspective. I don’t say this to be complicated.

I believe everything that you see and do was meant to be to create the person that you are today. If you did not experience something, then you wouldn’t be the same.

If you went to a different high school, lived in a different city or borough (for my NYC peeps). If you made it into your dream school or your second choice (or third, or fourth choice lol, don’t give up!).

Whatever happened, happened. And you cannot go back. So like I’ve said before, easier said than done, but do not regret anything. Try the best as you can to move forward with yourself, even if you’re the only person on your side at the moment. I do not say this to be sad or grim. I admit I have felt many times that I was alone when I truly was not. Sometimes it is very difficult to see the love from others through your anger and insecurities. But when you do see it and feel it…

Screenshot taken by an Android phone **The Gaff Blog does not own this image**
Screenshot taken by an Android phone **The Gaff Blog does not own this image** You go too guy! Don’t worry about all the pink. Keep reading! lol. 

Give thanks.

The worst thing you can be during or after a relationship is ungrateful.

You do not learn anything from being ungrateful. Trust me.

All you learn is how to be stubborn and to only see your point of view.

The challenge of true love is living your best life while also keeping your partners perspective in mind and compromising when you need to. Or if you feel you should.

If you feel you should. Go for it. No one is stopping you.

The worst they can possibly say is no. Or get mad in some cases I guess.

Screenshot from an Android phone **The Gaff Blog does not own this image** Characters from Boy Meets World Topanga and Cory
Screenshot from an Android phone **The Gaff Blog does not own this image** Characters from Boy Meets World Topanga and Cory

The one thing I feel I should add at this point is relationships are not only about the good stuff. Yes, there are some bad days. Some days when you are so stressed that you hate everyone or want to share all of your anger with one person. And maybe they do not want to hear it. And you should respect that. You definitely should.

But if the person you are with cannot handle you. If your stress is too much for them. You need to find better outlets.

I promise I mean this out of the kindness of my heart. Whatever outlet you need. Whether it’s a best friend, or Tumblr. Or my personal favorite, my blog here on WordPress lol. This is not a plug I swear. If I got paid to say this I would not have shared my personal feelings with you all.

Whatever your outlet is, use it.

Go to a therapist if you genuinely think you could benefit. But for you. Not for anyone else.

You are your star and your priority. Your partner does not necessarily have to be your number one.

But they should be a priority. I will not put a number on it. Because that is not fair to some.

Some people are introverted and grow a small and succinct group of friends that they cherish and keep close to them.

Other people are extroverted and make friends in the blink of an eye and might not even talk to this same person they met a year from now. And that’s not insensitive, that’s just life.

Some people are not meant to be there forever. Some are there for fun. For happiness.

Maybe some are there to share in your grief, or give you another point of view to consider.

But give thanks. Do not let the people you love and cherish ever feel like they are undeserving or that they are worthless.

Everyone and every soul is worth something.

You are worth something.

Trust me.

Even in the dark I’ve had the benefit of knowing that I am worth something to myself at least, I need to be here for me.

To live a great life. Ending it does not solve anything. It does not teach you anything.

I have learned so much from my experience with the dark and I have also learned a great amount from the light.

Different things, but important nonetheless.

From the dark, I have learned what I can handle. I can handle death of a loved one. Even though I obviously miss them and wish I could have their point of view on someone that I love right now. I would love to have a long chat with my Papa about my problems right now. I know he would listen and after all of it he would probably tell a story and maybe a joke at the end. And regardless of the story or joke, I would feel better because someone listened to me and shared with me as well.

Screenshot taken with an Android phone **The Gaff Blog does not own this image** Quote with Pink (Artist/Singer/Entertainer)
Screenshot taken with an Android phone **The Gaff Blog does not own this image** Quote with Pink (Artist/Singer/Entertainer)

Maybe I’m simple, or maybe I’m complex. I do not believe I am either.

I am so in the middle of simple and complex that I am still to this day an enigma to myself.

I do not think we ever truly know ourselves. I think some might know. But I think we are all constantly growing and evolving and grow into ourselves endlessly.

I’m not sorry for my endless metaphors lol.

I’m trying not to say sorry anymore unless I need to. So the opposite of that is saying that I am not sorry.

I’m not sorry that I loved.

I’m not sorry if I lost the one that I loved.

I do not believe that I lost him. But if I did, life goes on.

I do not regret anything.

If you do not have closure I hope you get it somehow. I think I’ve reached my closure.

Tomorrow I could be crying all day about this again, who knows.

But I am constantly striving to be the best me I can be. Whatever that means.

Be the best you. If that makes you feel bad, then you’re being blinded by the light.

Do not hate me for trying to make you better.

Do not hate your mom for telling you to be safe when you go out.

Or your girlfriend for getting mad at you when you don’t share with her or don’t say goodnight back.

These people love you.

I love you and I don’t even know you.

I appreciate the dark and the light because they are important and have taught me so much about my number one

That’s me. I’m number one. Not compared to others.

I’m number one to me. For me. Nobody else. Unless they want me to be number one lol.

Cute hippo :) lol. All of you is beautiful. Trust me!
Cute hippo 🙂 lol. All of you is beautiful. Trust me!

Don’t be afraid to live.

Don’t be afraid to have fun.

Do not say no to something that cannot hurt you.

Say yes to life.

Yes to fun.

Yes to new experiences.

Otherwise, you’ll just be in your house or apartment all day hating the world.

Please do not hate the world. I understand hating some people (haven’t we all felt that at some point)

But as cliche as it sounds, the world is yours.

You create or destroy the fun.

You create or destroy yourself.

You create. Point blank.

I love to create.

I love to draw.

I love writing on this blog.

I love writing in my sketch book of all places.

Some people might have cringed just hearing that but my sketch books have always been like a personal diary for me.

Whatever I feel, I put it in the sketch book. I have literally three or four books to draw, paint and write in.

I have this blog too. Which is even better.

If you feel you have no one. Look again.

If you still can’t find them. Put yourself out there.

There may be someone looking for you too.

You have the power **Screenshot taken with an Android phone. The Gaff Blog does not own this image** Dorothy's red slippers.
You have the power **Screenshot taken with an Android phone. The Gaff Blog does not own this image** Dorothy’s red slippers.

Thank you for reading this,

Nicole