A Letter to Myself: A Day in the life of Nicole

A Letter to Myself: A Day in the life of Nicole

Originally written in my notebook on February 13, 2018

A day in the life of Nicole:

What will it take for you to be happy Nicole? I wish I knew the answer. I know a lot of things but it seems the thing I know the least sometimes is myself.

Why do I need a companion to feel happy? I know I am a whole person alone. But is it so bad to want someone who could be there for me unconditionally? Maybe not bad, but perhaps slightly unrealistic. People seem to not have that type of loyalty these days.

Maybe you will find this person, but even if you don’t, that doesn’t mean your life has to be put on hold until you do. Your an amazing woman who gives all you can to everyone you cross paths with. You cannot expect the world to be as bold, pure and noble as you are. Most people do not get the perfect partner or family and that’s ok.

The one person you can without a doubt always count on is you.

Be proud.

This is not the first time you felt this way and it probably won’t be the last.

Embrace the crazy, mixed up emotions that is life.

A Letter Unsent to Someone Undeserving

A Letter Unsent to Someone Undeserving

May 19, 2018 (Originally written in my notebook)

I don’t want to be cut off or distracted by what you have to say.

I never forced anything on you. Unlike you, who cannot say the same.

You forced yourself into my life. When I first met you, I loved your energy. You were so alive and I admired that about you.

But when we reconnected last June and after the first few dates we had, I could tell something had changed within you.

Not to sound overly cliché, but you were so blue. No other way to describe you. Maybe black and blue.

Because you were so sad and dead at the same time.

When I found out what happened, a few details here and there, I could not stop thinking about it.

I needed to know more.

I knew you weren’t fully you.

I could feel the life sucked out of you. And I wanted to help you feel alive again.

When I say you forced yourself into my life, I mean that in the best way possible.

You were the first person to talk to me in the break room at Home Depot (besides people I know from orientation) and I just admired that you came up to me and told me so much about yourself. I felt like I knew you already so well from that one encounter.

You were the breath of fresh air that I needed after the past year that I had (back then).

And you’re probably one of the first reasons I even stayed at HD for as long as I did.

Let’s jump ahead because this is all of the positive stuff.

I would regret it if I did not say this to you ever.

But I had a crush on you since that first time I saw and met you.

When I added you on Facebook, before we started talking again, it was to reconnect with you.

Every time I saw you at HD, it made me happier than you’ll ever know because I had to hide it since I was with my ex then.

I even told Searra’s mom about meeting you that first time at HD and she told me to give you a chance.

Not in those exact words, but that’s another story for later.

Long story short, I was beyond glad when you messaged me first.

And here we are today.

So every time you were inconsistent with me hurt even more and shut out all of the times you made me happy.

Like I said, you told me about some things that happened with your ex and as I learned more about yourself and her relationship with you, I realized when you were actually telling me the truth.

I’m not sure of exact details between you and her.

I’m not sure who is the bigger sack of garbage.

Either way, I know how I feel now given every side that I have seen of you.

I saw the good in you for so long.

But all you have continued to show me is bad.

I overlooked it for whatever reason for so long.

Either you and your ex, deserve each other or to die alone.

Regardless, you don’t deserve me.

I know my worth and as petty or irrational as I could react to everything you did

Including blocking me with the intention to cut me out of your life

I know who I am and I hope you find who you are again and keep your garbage dump of a personality

OUT OF MY LIFE!

P.S (Written May 21, 2018)

As much as I hate to admit, I’ve never felt like anyone understood me to my core as well as you do.

I feel like one of my best friends passed away and like I’ll never see them again.

You’ve turned me into a better person in many ways, and a worse person in other ways.

I have to find the silver lining in this, or else this clearly wouldn’t be written by me.

Maybe I’ll find someone else who understands me

I always have hope

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I Surrender

I Surrender

I admit defeat.

The girl who usually knows what to do has been stumped.

Never thought of you to be the one to play mind games

But here we are!

Imagine if I called or texted a guy when I was drunk?

I would be labeled desperate. But you’re a guy, so you’re just passionate.

I’m a grown fucking woman, yet I can’t decide when to talk to the person I’m in a relationship with.

The same bullshit busy excuse. I was used to it at one point but now it just makes me nauseous

This is either the last time I let you make me feel like this or a series of unfortunate events leading up to the last time.

Excuse my anger, believe it or not, I love and appreciate all of the good moments we have shared. But to date, those good times have been replaced with fighting, fighting, and more fighting!

If only you would really communicate with me. You say I’m terrible at communicating, but ha, you leave so many things left unsaid and then randomly blow up on me.

I learned how to let off steam in middle school. If being with me makes you that anxious to share your feelings, I don’t know what relationship you have been a part of.

I can, however, tell you how it feels from my end.

Mostly me missing you, wanting to talk to you. Occasionally share things that have happened in my day. Yes, sometimes I do want to talk all day! It’s almost like you’re my significant other.. haha. Fuck me for thinking you should have my back or see somewhat eye-to-eye with me on matters like such.

I know the last time you told me you were lonely I could have reacted better. Been like:

“Babe, I miss you too.”

Because it was one hundred percent true! I did realllyyyy miss you.

But past a certain point, it feels like I’m just waiting for you to return feelings that I know that I have for you.

I’m not just sitting around playing with my thumbs. I may not be attending school anymore (I graduated, thank the lord)

I’m not even sure if I ever shared with you how hard my last semester was for me. I don’t think I did.

Here are some feelings again: Try not to be daunted

I was depressed. Deeply depressed. I didn’t want to go to class, I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I wanted to sleep all day and night. I especially did not want to do my school work, because I didn’t think I was capable, I could barely focus at all on anything besides the thought of not wanting to breathe anymore.

But I pushed myself forward. Relied on whoever I could to help me with my struggles, went to therapy whenever I could, which truly did help. (I thank you for helping me reach out and realize I needed to talk to a professional psychologist/therapist) Was the best thing I could have ever done for myself at that point. I also, started a new job at a place I never thought I could handle, I worked sales! I walked around and helped people for sometimes nine hours a day! With a smile on my face, I might add.

But you don’t recognize that I only use that fake smile on people I don’t know. The real smile pops up when I’m around people who let me be me.

At the start of us talking and hanging out, I really did think I could be myself. I don’t know when the switch really happened.

I know I get jealous, I know I can be a hot head at times. I don’t deny any of that. But you never tried to ease my insecurities in person. Just made it seem like I was trying to ruin your day. What a selfish way of looking at it.

 

You listed alllll of your problems to me recently. You know when. Apparently, I’m one of your problems, why your life sucks.

I’m one of your melancholy buddies from home.

Oh, joy. What an honor to have made your list.

I should quit my bitching and smack a smile on my face to make every man who has ever judged me for not smiling happily.

Didn’t realize I was honored to be with such an upstanding respectful guy.

Hide your emotions, we don’t need those. We can just push them away and away until you snap like I do babe.

Except when I snap, I’m a hot head. When you snap, you passed your breaking point.

 

See my problem here?

Besides the textbook gaslighting, which you probably still don’t understand.

 

You limit me. Yes, I said it.

I don’t need to mope around all day. But what I do need is someone willing to listen to me when I have some issues with my life that I need to get off my chest.

You pride yourself on being a modern upstanding guy. News flash. Licking a girl’s twat now and again doesn’t make you a prince.

Yes, you’re a nice guy, that people can definitely have fun with. As a boyfriend. There’s no word or phrase to describe you besides selectively loving and caring.

 

I’m in love with the guy that I think you are and can be. Sadly, I barely see him in you and your actions anymore.

I surrender.

Tell me I’m crazy.

Gaslight me.

Then try to tell me everything you think I should hear Mr. Smug.

What else is new with you. Nothing.

 

White towel thrown.

 

 

 

 

N. Oliva