Dear Old Nicki

Dear Old Nicki

Dear Old Nicki,

I’ve been talking to present me for a while but I think I might need the old me to show herself for at least a moment.

The one who didn’t give a fuck what anyone thought

The one who had her own style and set her own trends

Who wasn’t attached to her phone or worthless people

Why are you giving people so many chances to hurt you?

Yes, you learned to let shit go and focus on the positive, but how much is too much?

You don’t want to go back to being silent and losing your voice

That’s why people love and respect you

Why you love yourself

You say what needs to be said

And show no mercy

Don’t show mercy to people who are treating you like a joke and an option

Set limits

Stick to them

If people don’t like it

FUCK THEM

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Letter to Anyone: How do I know?

Letter to Anyone: How do I know?

How do I know someone cares about me? I feel like I over analyze everything and always find something wrong in the person I’m with.

It’s definitely what I’m good at

And maybe it’s partly my fault, but it’s not fully

Maybe I do have too much baggage

I remember bad things so much easier than good times.

Lately things have been so good that I feel like something is going to go wrong

I’m so used to bad stuff happening that when good happens, I self sabotage and look for bad stuff or reasons to be mad at the person I’m with

I don’t know what’s wrong with me or why this happens

I just know I want it to stop

I look up to my grand parents and see their amazing marriage and legacy that they left behind including me

And how could I not want the same?

I want to marry someone who can accept and handle me fully

Someone who wants to make me happy and someone that I want to make happy for the rest of my life

I try to prepare for the worst and hope for the best, however, I have the tendency to want things to go perfectly and smoothly.

I know that’s not life

And I know life is a beautiful, crazy mixed up, bubble of chaos

How do I stop these thoughts

I usually stop them with sleep

Or by doing something

But lately, all I can do is think

And ask people what they think

I have an issue with people who tell me to just have faith

It’s easier for me to let go of things than to trust things will work out

I’m a pro in letting go

But not believing

N. Oliva

A Letter to Myself: A Day in the life of Nicole

A Letter to Myself: A Day in the life of Nicole

Originally written in my notebook on February 13, 2018

A day in the life of Nicole:

What will it take for you to be happy Nicole? I wish I knew the answer. I know a lot of things but it seems the thing I know the least sometimes is myself.

Why do I need a companion to feel happy? I know I am a whole person alone. But is it so bad to want someone who could be there for me unconditionally? Maybe not bad, but perhaps slightly unrealistic. People seem to not have that type of loyalty these days.

Maybe you will find this person, but even if you don’t, that doesn’t mean your life has to be put on hold until you do. Your an amazing woman who gives all you can to everyone you cross paths with. You cannot expect the world to be as bold, pure and noble as you are. Most people do not get the perfect partner or family and that’s ok.

The one person you can without a doubt always count on is you.

Be proud.

This is not the first time you felt this way and it probably won’t be the last.

Embrace the crazy, mixed up emotions that is life.

A Letter Unsent to Someone Undeserving

A Letter Unsent to Someone Undeserving

May 19, 2018 (Originally written in my notebook)

I don’t want to be cut off or distracted by what you have to say.

I never forced anything on you. Unlike you, who cannot say the same.

You forced yourself into my life. When I first met you, I loved your energy. You were so alive and I admired that about you.

But when we reconnected last June and after the first few dates we had, I could tell something had changed within you.

Not to sound overly cliché, but you were so blue. No other way to describe you. Maybe black and blue.

Because you were so sad and dead at the same time.

When I found out what happened, a few details here and there, I could not stop thinking about it.

I needed to know more.

I knew you weren’t fully you.

I could feel the life sucked out of you. And I wanted to help you feel alive again.

When I say you forced yourself into my life, I mean that in the best way possible.

You were the first person to talk to me in the break room at Home Depot (besides people I know from orientation) and I just admired that you came up to me and told me so much about yourself. I felt like I knew you already so well from that one encounter.

You were the breath of fresh air that I needed after the past year that I had (back then).

And you’re probably one of the first reasons I even stayed at HD for as long as I did.

Let’s jump ahead because this is all of the positive stuff.

I would regret it if I did not say this to you ever.

But I had a crush on you since that first time I saw and met you.

When I added you on Facebook, before we started talking again, it was to reconnect with you.

Every time I saw you at HD, it made me happier than you’ll ever know because I had to hide it since I was with my ex then.

I even told Searra’s mom about meeting you that first time at HD and she told me to give you a chance.

Not in those exact words, but that’s another story for later.

Long story short, I was beyond glad when you messaged me first.

And here we are today.

So every time you were inconsistent with me hurt even more and shut out all of the times you made me happy.

Like I said, you told me about some things that happened with your ex and as I learned more about yourself and her relationship with you, I realized when you were actually telling me the truth.

I’m not sure of exact details between you and her.

I’m not sure who is the bigger sack of garbage.

Either way, I know how I feel now given every side that I have seen of you.

I saw the good in you for so long.

But all you have continued to show me is bad.

I overlooked it for whatever reason for so long.

Either you and your ex, deserve each other or to die alone.

Regardless, you don’t deserve me.

I know my worth and as petty or irrational as I could react to everything you did

Including blocking me with the intention to cut me out of your life

I know who I am and I hope you find who you are again and keep your garbage dump of a personality

OUT OF MY LIFE!

P.S (Written May 21, 2018)

As much as I hate to admit, I’ve never felt like anyone understood me to my core as well as you do.

I feel like one of my best friends passed away and like I’ll never see them again.

You’ve turned me into a better person in many ways, and a worse person in other ways.

I have to find the silver lining in this, or else this clearly wouldn’t be written by me.

Maybe I’ll find someone else who understands me

I always have hope

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Letters: Why didn’t I believe you

Letters: Why didn’t I believe you

Why don’t I believe people when they show me who they are?

Am I too stubborn? Or too sweet to function?

Because it’s taken me a while to figure out who I am but even then,

I know some people put up a front for so long and then snap when shit gets rough

I can’t say I’ve never had the same pattern however I will say:

I try to be as straight up and honest with people as I can

I might not say all of my feelings out loud

But I show them

Anyone that doesn’t know how I feel about them isn’t paying attention or just doesn’t care or maybe is even more stubborn

Or way more insecure than I’ll ever be

Idk why people think I’m insecure

Sure, I have my moments

But don’t project your insecurities or problems on me

She may be but little but this bitch is fierce

If you don’t know where that’s from

Please read more

Make America read again

How about that bitch

I’m more confident than I’ve ever been.

I speak my mind like I’m being paid for it. But when I want to

Not to fill the silence like other awkward people who can’t handle silence do

Silence is golden

If you can’t see the good in silence or in me, then you’re not paying attention long enough or caring enough

Or anywhere near close to good enough for me.

And I believe you now

N. Oliva

But to Love Me 

But to Love Me 

Please don’t think I hate you.

I love you with every fiber of my being

You should know you’re the only person that I dream about making a life with

But not like this

Every fight tears me up inside
I kept thinking that you didn’t love me enough. And that I wasn’t doing enough to show my love.

And maybe the last part is true.

But the truth is
I’ve been struggling.

Not to love you

But to love me.

Silly girl. Picture not owned by the Gaff Blog, screenshot taken on 09.24.2016

N. Oliva

A Letter to my Followers. What would you like to see? 

A Letter to my Followers. What would you like to see? 

For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been contemplating what I want to do with the rest of my life. 
The answer: I’d love to create. 
Film, art, maybe in the future act or write a play. But before I get ahead of myself, I need some slight inspiration from you all. I have some ideas in my mind. But I’d really like to know what you all would be interested in. 
What genres of film are your favorites? Do people watch shorts that aren’t your average funny video on YouTube? Honest question.

One idea that I’ve been throwing around in my mind, is a film with a female villain. I’m unsure of her name so far. She meets this girl Daisy, who has been struggling to find herself. And she’s really struck by Daisy’s honesty. 

I’m thinking of naming the film Spark. You’ll see why if you’re interested. 

I’m so tired of seeing all the same films about all the same things. Or films that are simply an escape from reality, without trying to add something better to reality. Beyond documentaries, not many mainstream films address struggles of your average person. 
Daisy is a sweet girl who tries to see the best in everything and everyone. She truly wants to make the world a better place. But she’s unsure how. She hasn’t had the best family upbringing, has always felt bitterness from her mother, stepdad and sister, but she appreciates everything she has been through regardless. 

What I need is a motivation for her character. What wakes her up in the morning? What wakes you up in the morning? What’s going to take this sensitive woman from wanting to stay inside all the time, from doing the complete opposite?

My struggles right now are very close to Daisy’s.

I want to start a conversation. What do you think? What do you feel? I’m here for you. Inspire me, like I hope to inspire you all. 
Nicole xoxo.