I’ve never had a problem with my flaws. However, my biggest flaw is I let my anger consume me at times. Most of the time this anger is a result of stress, or more honestly: things going wrong that I couldn’t control. I don’t think I’m very unique in this aspect but I could be proven wrong.
The famous line from the Shining has a point: all work and no play makes a dull boy (I’m a woman, but the point still rings true) I doubt this film is the first work of art to illustrate this point literally or figuratively. And it may seem ironic that I’m taking a horror film so seriously but I digress. Art is a representation of life. I don’t know if art always imitates life but in my experience art represents life in the best way: realistically. You may not be able to decipher what an artist or filmmaker had in mind. But artists put their heart and soul into their work. Even if this part of the Shining is trivial, it means something to me.
People cannot live a full life alone. Sure, you can have fun with yourself for a while. I’m not doubting you. I’m saying from experience that a lonely life is not a full one. Yet, there is nothing wrong with having alone time. I love alone time. If you need alone time, take what you need. I won’t tell you to stay at your job if you’re miserable. I can never be that person. That’s your decision. If something is making you miserable: take it out of your life and find something better. Whatever that thing is that could potentially make your life more meaningful. Art, music, film, what have you. Do what you love and if you can make money off of it (again, if that’s something you’re interested in) do it.
Besides alone time, I also love great wholesome fun (or otherwise) with people who want a good time as well. Yet, I’m also not someone who can drop my feelings at the door for anyone but me. If I’m feeling a certain way, I’m most likely going to say it. If I don’t, my feelings eventually bubble over turning me into some crazy monster version of me. At least 3 people can vouch for this. When I’m angry I’m horrible. Beyond horrible. I say things that cut people to the core. If I know you well enough (sounds weird but if I’m fighting with you, you probably mean a lot to me for me to even waste a breath) I know what to say to hurt you. Monster me will go that far. Low blow, however you want to phrase it, I say what will hurt the most.
I realized recently the cause of my worst anger, again, things going wrong that I can’t necessarily control. While I was having a rough time, I spoke with a good friend that told me the best thing you can do to solve a problem or stress is to take action. If you study for an exam, you can’t be mad when you get the grades that you worked for. But I was getting mad at things that I was not actively trying to solve. I was angry at the world for not bending to me. I was angry for not getting A’s when I was barely doing acceptable work (worst critic part of me writing here).
I’m an advertising major. Usually when I receive a critique in my copywriting class I laugh it off and basically I try to prove people wrong by doing a better version of my idea. At first, instead of learning from what people suggested, I did my own ideas that people still couldn’t comprehend. Sometimes my thoughts get very muddled and it’s hard to tell when I’m being stubborn or when people simply don’t understand my work. I am very misunderstood. I don’t speak very much in person. But when I do speak I try to say what’s most important. Maybe this is my problem.
I’ve been judging certain things as more or less important than other things and in the process I’ve done this with everything in my life as a whole. School for me is so much more important than work. But I can’t get to school every day if I don’t work. I live the NYC commuter school life, probably very atypical. The experience you may have not even heard of until now unless you live in NYC yourself. I’m really not writing this to sound cool or clever. I lived on campus for a semester and that definitely was not for me. I’m happy I was there and I learned the most I could learn about myself in those four months. But I fled because I was scared. Scared of being vulnerable. Scared of doing things that made me uncomfortable. Yet, I don’t regret leaving either.
The past four years have taught me a lot about myself as well. When I’m stressed, I’m the worst version of myself. I procrastinate even when that’s clearly the stupidest thing I could possibly do. I wake up miserable. I don’t want to do regular things that would normally make me happy, like eating food (half of the reason I started this blog lol). I’m barely hungry at all when I’m stressed. Most recently, since I may have an ulcer I try to stay as positive as possible and when things spiral out of control and consecutively do not go my way, I crash and I burn, and the saddest part is, I want to burn. The worst side of me wants this to all be over. So nothing can hurt me anymore. I would never cut myself or drink myself to death on purpose. Like I said, I may have an ulcer so every time I drink now it feels like I have the worst hangover or for the ladies reading this, the start of a period.
Most of my stress recently has been due to my health problems, i.e. possible ulcer and stomach issues overall. I want to drink. I want to have fun. Maybe I’m trying too hard. I know what I like, I really do. Sometimes I get tired of my interests and my overall chill life. But whenever I try to have other people’s version of fun I am disappointed. It’s not fun for me to drink before going out because I honestly want to pay full attention to whatever I’m doing. It’s hard for me to truly regret doing something because I see every experience as something to learn from. What I am glad about is that every time I have these experiences that disappoint me, they make me appreciate my interests more.
Don’t get me wrong. Sometimes I wear my heart on my sleeve. It’s not as easy as it seems for me to get to this point. At first, I do regret doing it. But what works the best for me may not work for others. If you can shake things off, good for you and I truly mean that. It is hard to build up confidence when you barely have any. But if you already have really firm and honest confidence, please do not let the world break you. Speak up when you need to. It truly helps. Even when someone doesn’t want to hear it. Say it for your piece of mind. Before I encourage you to insult someone, do not get me wrong. Do not say something solely to hurt someone. I am speaking from a very emotional place, but I think I have a very methodical way of dealing with my emotions. It is not typical, I have never been typical nor will I ever be.
I do not want to be typical. If I could erase the feeling of loneliness from the world I truly would do that. If I have ever made anyone feel alone, I straight up apologize here and now. It is never my intention to do so. However, I will say that although I consider myself compassionate and caring, we all have two sides to ourselves. Some people are reluctant to admit it, but we all have an angry horrible side. Or maybe I’m extremely unique again. I don’t believe so. Most people probably need more to set off their anger compared to me. Yet even through all the differences I could name I want to look at the other side.
We all want basically the same things. No one wants to feel lonely. No one wants to feel hurt or feel weak. You may want to end everything. But please, please. If you do not have much more time or even not enough care to finish reading this look here: You are your star. Do what makes YOU happy. Stop caring about what other people think. If it seems like the world is against you, it’s time to learn something. Trust me please with this one.
I have had the biggest highs and really deep lows. I have had numerous times that I wanted to end it all. But even through all of that, I still love myself enough to not give up.
What works for me you may ask? How did I get through it? That’s a hard question to answer but basically, I do not hide my emotions if I feel their important. I cry when I need to cry. I leave class when I want to leave class (yes, really lol.) I walked out of my copy writing class when my professor would not hear me out about my ad concepts. Dramatic? Maybe. Did it make me feel better? Damn right, yes it did. Yet, even through my anger, I talked it out, listened to people dear to me who I know have my best interests at heart and applied what they said. Instead of being a bone head, I changed my idea based on my professor’s comments and he seems to respect my ideas even if he has a crappy way of showing it. I respect my professor, even if he hated me for my reaction that day.
Before this turns into a novel, I want to end this on a positive, but also honest note. If you take anything from this please believe me when I say it:
When you let down those walls that have been killing you to your core, it is the greatest feeling in the world.
Yes, it is uncomfortable at first.
People get busy… soo…
Make yourself your world. Don’t expect the world to bend for you.
Sometimes you have to swallow your pride and do what is right.
If you want to scream fuck the world, do it.
But sooner or later if you’re miserable, you have to do something for you. Stop listening to other people, or stop hanging around people who make you feel bad. Especially if it seriously effects you.
You should apologize when you’re wrong or hurt someone you care about. But do not apologize for being yourself.
If you must explain your actions, do it.
It is worth it for someone you care about.
You are more than worth it. You know why? You’re lucky to be alive. You’re lucky to breathe a fresh breath every single day when you wake up. Even when you’re in pain, or hungover or whatever is plaguing you. There are people in many undeveloped countries who want to be in your position, even if they have never experienced it or know nothing about your life.
I do not like thinking of events as lucky or unlucky. But I certainly am blessed. I have worked for most things that I have whether people believe me or not. I am a constant work in progress. We all live and die. I am not scared of death. I’m scared of not living a full life. But on my terms. Not yours, or his or hers, or the dudes that only like me for my body.
Fuck them. Fuck other opinions. Love life.
Throw out the bad stuff in your life. Embrace the good.
So I actually wrote this letter years back on July 7, 2013 (originally written inside my sketchbook with charcoal) but I wanted to share it because what I wrote is very relevant to my current mindset.
So here’s the thing, I don’t know why I keep feeling like this, but I’m not happy. Things aren’t bad, but they could be better. Especially my health. I don’t know how I’ve let it become so bad. I used to care so much about what I ate. But I guess I spent way more time alone too. I mean I’m in great shape compared to other people but I haven’t been able to eat regularly without becoming sick. I think my problem is I care too much, and I’m not a person who could turn this part of me off. It’s deeply rooted. Not just that, but I care about what people think too much. I don’t know why it is the way that I am or maybe I’m just more honest about it. I think everyone else cares too, they just like what everyone else likes, so its not a problem. Or they just go along with what everyone else says. But that has never been the way that I am. I don’t follow the crowd.
I am a renegade at heart, as corny as that may sound. And I like it that way. I don’t want what everyone else wants. I want my own life and to live it my way. I hate gossip and drama. I like the finer things in life. I mean, I can be wild sometimes. But I’d rather relax and watch a Hitchcock movie. Not Fast & the Furious or other mumbo jumbo bullshit all of the time. Movies like that are just a distraction and a fantasy. Not that Hitchcock movies don’t contain illusions or act as a distraction itself. But the story lines are still about regular people and their lives. Not stupid car racing, drug wars, or stupid corruption. I know I’ve written about what I’m about to say somewhere else but it still sticks in my head. I feel like I’m the only person like myself left sometimes.
I can talk about old movies for days. Or Hitchcock movies anyway. I haven’t seen many other old films to be completely honest. I just feel like it’s so hard to catch up while also trying to stay current. Ya know? Of course you do know everything, don’t you?
Don’t let anyone tell you any different.
Well I hate to cut this short but it’s getting harder to write with this charcoal.
A Letter to Someone I Love: Everything I Didn’t Tell You
I’m sorry. I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry I stressed you out. I was angry. I know this doesn’t excuse my words or actions. But I didn’t mean it. Your brain isn’t rotten. You have a great mind that can achieve anything. I truly believe that. Even if we do not become one again, I hope for the best for you. Not because you were mine. But because I was yours as well. You’re the one person I never wanted to hurt in any way and I failed. Failed miserably. Mostly because of factors outside of your control. My insecurities together with horrible timing. When we met and got together being with you was heaven but at the end we created hell for each other. I know it’s unrealistic to promise that we’ll be in heaven again, but I hope maybe someday you will feel that. Not just with me, with anyone.
Heaven and Earth are open to you, if you accept them. I cannot promise fights will not happen. That would be a stupid promise to make. But I promise that I learned my lesson. I had the world given to me and I was overcome by petty nonsense. I don’t even believe God is on my side right now. When I was miserable in the past, I asked him for happiness and I truly believe that he gave me that in the form of you. I can’t pinpoint when it started to go south for us, but I do know where I went wrong. I couldn’t understand why you wanted to party on our first anniversary with your theater buddies. But as I thought about it recently I thought perhaps you wanted your friends to meet me.
If that is the case, that is the first time my insecurities blind-sided me to your love. After that, I remember when I was really torn up about not being accepted to the film program at my school. I’m not sure if you grasped how much it truly hurt me. It was not simply people critiquing my work. He called it horrible. Being rejected from the film program hurt, not because they stopped me from making films, but because they rejected my mind. I never thought I would be mainstream. I am a person that is either loved or hated. I do not think there is an in between.
I’ve learned a lot since being rejected from the film program. Not that my films or thought process is bad. But that I have a unique mind. I don’t believe I see the world how other people see it. And that’s ok.
I fell in love with you because I believe we are very similar although obviously very different at the same time. We have both mistreated people who have been there for us. I remember our talk before you left for school. I hope you do as well. If our moms can forgive us for all of the crap that we put them through, then I do not need more proof that love exists.
Sure, we may react differently to many things, but I do think we have a similar thought process. I agree I have become more radical than I was in the past but I did always have my liberal feminist views inside me. You know what opened my eyes? The group I followed on Facebook silenced me when I defended you. I never named you but mentioned fights that we had about certain issues and they basically said that they could never do that. That they wouldn’t. How can you learn anything from only speaking with like-minded people? I know you don’t care much about politics but your points of view never bothered me. Even when you proved me wrong. I was better for learning something I didn’t know.
I hope in all of our years together (seems weird writing it) I hope you’ve learned some things from me as well. Not just about me, but about yourself. Before I was with you, I was scared to show my nerdy side, for lack of a better word. Now I do not give a fuck what people think about my 2DS or Yoshi shirt. I truly bonded with my friend Iris talking about Clefable! It felt great to have a conversation like that about my interests that mattered to me. But also about something that wasn’t too serious.
I used to hate small talk because I never knew what to say. But from you I know that if you like or know someone, the easiest way to break the ice and start a good friendship is saying “hi.” I do not expect you to forgive me right away or ever. I really don’t even know how to end this.
Can we start again?
I don’t want you to be like anyone else.
This is not to take away from others.
But I like how different you are.
I love how vibrant you are when you are happy.
When you’re happy
You have a smile that gives the world hope.
When I was sad and alone at Bard,
you gave me hope.
If this letter does that for you and nothing more,
I have achieved what I wanted.
I hate to be sentimental on this hypothetical re-meeting (if that’s what you want to call this)
But I’m sorry.
I love you
If you have to be free from me to be happy. I understand.
As we grow older, we realize who the real monsters are
Today, I was woken up by a night-light.
I hate night lights.
They serve no purpose other than stopping children’s irrational fears.
I do not mind them in a dark hallway or even your dark bathroom at night.
But they serve no purpose in a bedroom.
Maybe I’m just irritated because I was woken up at 4:30 am by one.
I do not fear the dark because I have grown to realize that the real monsters in this world are people walking around in your average day light hours. They’re the people who force you to smile when you’re not happy and in general create the pressure to be someone you are not. They may not even entirely be responsible for having this mentality. In a way, I presume that people who are like this are just miserable and were not taught to love.
When you love. You accept. Regardless of the good and bad.
Of the roughness and the stress.
Please do not mistake what I mean. If you are in an abusive relationship, you should certainly get out of it and find the strength in yourself to move forward, if not for anyone else, for you.
I know for a fact that is easier said than done. Especially when children are involved. I do not know from personal experience in my own partnered relationships. But I do know this from experiences that my mom and sister have had around me while growing up. When you create a life with someone, a literal, screaming, pooping life, it is hard to disconnect from the person that you created that with.
Even when you have not had a child with a partner in a relationship. It is hard to let go.
Whether the relationship is good or not. You shared a life with someone.
And you may or may not feel that you want to share the rest of your life with that person.
But if your significant other does not feel the same, then it is up to you to either let them go and be happy or be miserable hoping for something that may not be in the plan for you.
It seems odd that anyone could be happy right after a break up and that is not ideal. But what you should feel after a break up is the feeling that you grew and learned something from your significant other. Whether you learned to not trust them or whether you learned something about yourself or them, you learned something.
I have learned that for me to feel free and comfortable with someone, that I must be able to share my feelings with them. I know now the person that I am with (now or in the future) should not have to complete me. One of my good friends helped me and calmly explained that your significant other should not complete you, but they should compliment you. I had a difficult time grasping this at first, but I let it sit in my mind for a while after admitting my confusion to my friend.
I do not need someone to be at my beck and call all day. I should not have to talk to you all day to feel at ease, nor should you contact me all day to feel at ease. However, it’s my personal opinion, that if your partner has insecurities that you should attempt to work with them and put these insecurities to rest. And this is of course if you are in a loving relationship. I do not expect you to do this for someone who you just started going out with. That may sound ridiculous to some. But I am always friends with someone before I can even attempt to think of them in a loving way. Maybe I am old fashioned. But if I love someone, I love them completely. I have to genuinely like someone and their character, in order to love them. Maybe that’s overly logical or even sappy. But that’s my version of love. I cannot speak for anyone else. We all have different comfort zones and perspectives.
Now to the light.
The light is beautiful. I hate to get all philosophical right now. But don’t let it hurt your eyes
I remember the Allegory of the Cave by Plato from my freshman year of college. I also read it again, I believe, in my sophomore year of college as well, in a totally different class and college. I’ll admit my memory is pretty horrible so it usually takes a couple of times for me to process more deep works of literature. So the second time I understood it a lot better. Especially after dealing with some dark and light in my own life.
We all need some darkness to appreciate the light.
But we also should not fear either, or let the light wreck our vision.
This vision could be your literal eye sight, world view or perspective. I don’t say this to be complicated.
I believe everything that you see and do was meant to be to create the person that you are today. If you did not experience something, then you wouldn’t be the same.
If you went to a different high school, lived in a different city or borough (for my NYC peeps). If you made it into your dream school or your second choice (or third, or fourth choice lol, don’t give up!).
Whatever happened, happened. And you cannot go back. So like I’ve said before, easier said than done, but do not regret anything. Try the best as you can to move forward with yourself, even if you’re the only person on your side at the moment. I do not say this to be sad or grim. I admit I have felt many times that I was alone when I truly was not. Sometimes it is very difficult to see the love from others through your anger and insecurities. But when you do see it and feel it…
The worst thing you can be during or after a relationship is ungrateful.
You do not learn anything from being ungrateful. Trust me.
All you learn is how to be stubborn and to only see your point of view.
The challenge of true love is living your best life while also keeping your partners perspective in mind and compromising when you need to. Or if you feel you should.
If you feel you should. Go for it. No one is stopping you.
The worst they can possibly say is no. Or get mad in some cases I guess.
The one thing I feel I should add at this point is relationships are not only about the good stuff. Yes, there are some bad days. Some days when you are so stressed that you hate everyone or want to share all of your anger with one person. And maybe they do not want to hear it. And you should respect that. You definitely should.
But if the person you are with cannot handle you. If your stress is too much for them. You need to find better outlets.
I promise I mean this out of the kindness of my heart. Whatever outlet you need. Whether it’s a best friend, or Tumblr. Or my personal favorite, my blog here on WordPress lol. This is not a plug I swear. If I got paid to say this I would not have shared my personal feelings with you all.
Whatever your outlet is, use it.
Go to a therapist if you genuinely think you could benefit. But for you. Not for anyone else.
You are your star and your priority. Your partner does not necessarily have to be your number one.
But they should be a priority. I will not put a number on it. Because that is not fair to some.
Some people are introverted and grow a small and succinct group of friends that they cherish and keep close to them.
Other people are extroverted and make friends in the blink of an eye and might not even talk to this same person they met a year from now. And that’s not insensitive, that’s just life.
Some people are not meant to be there forever. Some are there for fun. For happiness.
Maybe some are there to share in your grief, or give you another point of view to consider.
But give thanks. Do not let the people you love and cherish ever feel like they are undeserving or that they are worthless.
Everyone and every soul is worth something.
You are worth something.
Even in the dark I’ve had the benefit of knowing that I am worth something to myself at least, I need to be here for me.
To live a great life. Ending it does not solve anything. It does not teach you anything.
I have learned so much from my experience with the dark and I have also learned a great amount from the light.
Different things, but important nonetheless.
From the dark, I have learned what I can handle. I can handle death of a loved one. Even though I obviously miss them and wish I could have their point of view on someone that I love right now. I would love to have a long chat with my Papa about my problems right now. I know he would listen and after all of it he would probably tell a story and maybe a joke at the end. And regardless of the story or joke, I would feel better because someone listened to me and shared with me as well.
Maybe I’m simple, or maybe I’m complex. I do not believe I am either.
I am so in the middle of simple and complex that I am still to this day an enigma to myself.
I do not think we ever truly know ourselves. I think some might know. But I think we are all constantly growing and evolving and grow into ourselves endlessly.
I’m not sorry for my endless metaphors lol.
I’m trying not to say sorry anymore unless I need to. So the opposite of that is saying that I am not sorry.
I’m not sorry that I loved.
I’m not sorry if I lost the one that I loved.
I do not believe that I lost him. But if I did, life goes on.
I do not regret anything.
If you do not have closure I hope you get it somehow. I think I’ve reached my closure.
Tomorrow I could be crying all day about this again, who knows.
But I am constantly striving to be the best me I can be. Whatever that means.
Be the best you. If that makes you feel bad, then you’re being blinded by the light.
Do not hate me for trying to make you better.
Do not hate your mom for telling you to be safe when you go out.
Or your girlfriend for getting mad at you when you don’t share with her or don’t say goodnight back.
These people love you.
I love you and I don’t even know you.
I appreciate the dark and the light because they are important and have taught me so much about my number one
That’s me. I’m number one. Not compared to others.
I’m number one to me. For me. Nobody else. Unless they want me to be number one lol.
Don’t be afraid to live.
Don’t be afraid to have fun.
Do not say no to something that cannot hurt you.
Say yes to life.
Yes to fun.
Yes to new experiences.
Otherwise, you’ll just be in your house or apartment all day hating the world.
Please do not hate the world. I understand hating some people (haven’t we all felt that at some point)
But as cliche as it sounds, the world is yours.
You create or destroy the fun.
You create or destroy yourself.
You create. Point blank.
I love to create.
I love to draw.
I love writing on this blog.
I love writing in my sketch book of all places.
Some people might have cringed just hearing that but my sketch books have always been like a personal diary for me.
Whatever I feel, I put it in the sketch book. I have literally three or four books to draw, paint and write in.
I have this blog too. Which is even better.
If you feel you have no one. Look again.
If you still can’t find them. Put yourself out there.
I do not understand your love. It is not one of a companion. I do not want someone just to have fun with. Sure, fun is nice. But what about serious things? Cannot party cancer away. Or chron’s disease or the pain that I feel every day. I actually didn’t feel it while drunk on my birthday. So your solution is half right in the short run. But if I do have chron’s or an ulcer (which is a probability due to the pain/stress that I have) drinking will ultimately make it worse before better. I find the fact that I had the most fun with you while intoxicated saddening. Not because of the pain, etc. But because why do I have to drink for you to be fun? Is that why you drink/smoke with your friends? Can they really be that fun? Fanny and Moni are great. They have kind, nice souls. The rest can burn in hell for all I give a shit. Kevin is nice. I don’t believe Frank didn’t remember my birthday night. I think he is mad at me for what I said to a guy in a car who almost hit us on the way to McDonald’s. Not my best moment. I guess drinking does bring out the best and worst.
Maybe someday you’ll realize what you lost. Not a jealous, pain-in-the-ass girlfriend. But someone who truly loved you for you. Your big ears, your body. Maybe not your arrogant attitude towards my feelings. But I accepted you. Whether you believe it or not. I loved you. Maybe even still love. But maybe it’s time to lose you and focus on me again. I hate to quote Tupac at this serious time, but it’s me against the world. It always has been. Except for the few people who understood me from the start: Noel, Gab, maybe my Mom and my Dad. I’ve always had to explain myself or lie for people to accept me, (“Oh, I’m just tired today)– when I don’t feel like smiling.
I don’t see my outside self as beautiful but people seem to think being young and beautiful is the answer to everything. Or the color of my hair. How do either stop me from feeling what I feel? Those who have never felt the numbing of depression should shut the fuck up and not tell me not to feel. I will feel my emotions. I will cry when I’m sad.
This does not make me less than as a person. It makes me human. Not sensitive to people. But emotional and receptive to life. My emotions are my canvas/art. Welp just lost you with that one. What does that even mean right? No, I do not create my emotions. They flow from me like paint to a canvas. But you wouldn’t know that. Too illogical for you I guess. Couldn’t even finish a sculpture class, probably the most logical art out of all. Seems like you make a lot of excuses for you. But what about me? I give you everything that I think you would want, including attention. (Sorry your dick is not in my mouth constantly but I have class bud). And it is not good enough. You call me the difficult one but we could literally go to a store any day and find me a present. What about you? No, you want that or that. Who knows what that is. Only you. Because you talk all day long about nonsense to hide what you’re really feeling. But you barely communicate. When I speak, I have important shit to say. But that’s too hard for you to deal with. The important stuff. Life. My literal body in pain.
Sorry I say goodnight too many nights in a row… too monotonous for you? Too much stress having to remember to contact someone you love? Wow, you’re a different sort of asshole. You analyze everything all day except for yourself. Analyze this motherfucker. I love you. But I love me more. If this does not open your eyes. They were never open to begin with.