Originally written in my notebook on February 13, 2018
A day in the life of Nicole:
What will it take for you to be happy Nicole? I wish I knew the answer. I know a lot of things but it seems the thing I know the least sometimes is myself.
Why do I need a companion to feel happy? I know I am a whole person alone. But is it so bad to want someone who could be there for me unconditionally? Maybe not bad, but perhaps slightly unrealistic. People seem to not have that type of loyalty these days.
Maybe you will find this person, but even if you don’t, that doesn’t mean your life has to be put on hold until you do. Your an amazing woman who gives all you can to everyone you cross paths with. You cannot expect the world to be as bold, pure and noble as you are. Most people do not get the perfect partner or family and that’s ok.
The one person you can without a doubt always count on is you.
This is not the first time you felt this way and it probably won’t be the last.
Embrace the crazy, mixed up emotions that is life.
I don’t want to be cut off or distracted by what you have to say.
I never forced anything on you. Unlike you, who cannot say the same.
You forced yourself into my life. When I first met you, I loved your energy. You were so alive and I admired that about you.
But when we reconnected last June and after the first few dates we had, I could tell something had changed within you.
Not to sound overly cliché, but you were so blue. No other way to describe you. Maybe black and blue.
Because you were so sad and dead at the same time.
When I found out what happened, a few details here and there, I could not stop thinking about it.
I needed to know more.
I knew you weren’t fully you.
I could feel the life sucked out of you. And I wanted to help you feel alive again.
When I say you forced yourself into my life, I mean that in the best way possible.
You were the first person to talk to me in the break room at Home Depot (besides people I know from orientation) and I just admired that you came up to me and told me so much about yourself. I felt like I knew you already so well from that one encounter.
You were the breath of fresh air that I needed after the past year that I had (back then).
And you’re probably one of the first reasons I even stayed at HD for as long as I did.
Let’s jump ahead because this is all of the positive stuff.
I would regret it if I did not say this to you ever.
But I had a crush on you since that first time I saw and met you.
When I added you on Facebook, before we started talking again, it was to reconnect with you.
Every time I saw you at HD, it made me happier than you’ll ever know because I had to hide it since I was with my ex then.
I even told Searra’s mom about meeting you that first time at HD and she told me to give you a chance.
Not in those exact words, but that’s another story for later.
Long story short, I was beyond glad when you messaged me first.
And here we are today.
So every time you were inconsistent with me hurt even more and shut out all of the times you made me happy.
Like I said, you told me about some things that happened with your ex and as I learned more about yourself and her relationship with you, I realized when you were actually telling me the truth.
I’m not sure of exact details between you and her.
I’m not sure who is the bigger sack of garbage.
Either way, I know how I feel now given every side that I have seen of you.
I saw the good in you for so long.
But all you have continued to show me is bad.
I overlooked it for whatever reason for so long.
Either you and your ex, deserve each other or to die alone.
Regardless, you don’t deserve me.
I know my worth and as petty or irrational as I could react to everything you did
Including blocking me with the intention to cut me out of your life
I know who I am and I hope you find who you are again and keep your garbage dump of a personality
OUT OF MY LIFE!
P.S (Written May 21, 2018)
As much as I hate to admit, I’ve never felt like anyone understood me to my core as well as you do.
I feel like one of my best friends passed away and like I’ll never see them again.
You’ve turned me into a better person in many ways, and a worse person in other ways.
I have to find the silver lining in this, or else this clearly wouldn’t be written by me.
For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been contemplating what I want to do with the rest of my life.
The answer: I’d love to create.
Film, art, maybe in the future act or write a play. But before I get ahead of myself, I need some slight inspiration from you all. I have some ideas in my mind. But I’d really like to know what you all would be interested in.
What genres of film are your favorites? Do people watch shorts that aren’t your average funny video on YouTube? Honest question.
One idea that I’ve been throwing around in my mind, is a film with a female villain. I’m unsure of her name so far. She meets this girl Daisy, who has been struggling to find herself. And she’s really struck by Daisy’s honesty.
I’m thinking of naming the film Spark. You’ll see why if you’re interested.
I’m so tired of seeing all the same films about all the same things. Or films that are simply an escape from reality, without trying to add something better to reality. Beyond documentaries, not many mainstream films address struggles of your average person.
Daisy is a sweet girl who tries to see the best in everything and everyone. She truly wants to make the world a better place. But she’s unsure how. She hasn’t had the best family upbringing, has always felt bitterness from her mother, stepdad and sister, but she appreciates everything she has been through regardless.
What I need is a motivation for her character. What wakes her up in the morning? What wakes you up in the morning? What’s going to take this sensitive woman from wanting to stay inside all the time, from doing the complete opposite?
My struggles right now are very close to Daisy’s.
I want to start a conversation. What do you think? What do you feel? I’m here for you. Inspire me, like I hope to inspire you all.
I’ve never had a problem with my flaws. However, my biggest flaw is I let my anger consume me at times. Most of the time this anger is a result of stress, or more honestly: things going wrong that I couldn’t control. I don’t think I’m very unique in this aspect but I could be proven wrong.
The famous line from the Shining has a point: all work and no play makes a dull boy (I’m a woman, but the point still rings true) I doubt this film is the first work of art to illustrate this point literally or figuratively. And it may seem ironic that I’m taking a horror film so seriously but I digress. Art is a representation of life. I don’t know if art always imitates life but in my experience art represents life in the best way: realistically. You may not be able to decipher what an artist or filmmaker had in mind. But artists put their heart and soul into their work. Even if this part of the Shining is trivial, it means something to me.
People cannot live a full life alone. Sure, you can have fun with yourself for a while. I’m not doubting you. I’m saying from experience that a lonely life is not a full one. Yet, there is nothing wrong with having alone time. I love alone time. If you need alone time, take what you need. I won’t tell you to stay at your job if you’re miserable. I can never be that person. That’s your decision. If something is making you miserable: take it out of your life and find something better. Whatever that thing is that could potentially make your life more meaningful. Art, music, film, what have you. Do what you love and if you can make money off of it (again, if that’s something you’re interested in) do it.
Besides alone time, I also love great wholesome fun (or otherwise) with people who want a good time as well. Yet, I’m also not someone who can drop my feelings at the door for anyone but me. If I’m feeling a certain way, I’m most likely going to say it. If I don’t, my feelings eventually bubble over turning me into some crazy monster version of me. At least 3 people can vouch for this. When I’m angry I’m horrible. Beyond horrible. I say things that cut people to the core. If I know you well enough (sounds weird but if I’m fighting with you, you probably mean a lot to me for me to even waste a breath) I know what to say to hurt you. Monster me will go that far. Low blow, however you want to phrase it, I say what will hurt the most.
I realized recently the cause of my worst anger, again, things going wrong that I can’t necessarily control. While I was having a rough time, I spoke with a good friend that told me the best thing you can do to solve a problem or stress is to take action. If you study for an exam, you can’t be mad when you get the grades that you worked for. But I was getting mad at things that I was not actively trying to solve. I was angry at the world for not bending to me. I was angry for not getting A’s when I was barely doing acceptable work (worst critic part of me writing here).
I’m an advertising major. Usually when I receive a critique in my copywriting class I laugh it off and basically I try to prove people wrong by doing a better version of my idea. At first, instead of learning from what people suggested, I did my own ideas that people still couldn’t comprehend. Sometimes my thoughts get very muddled and it’s hard to tell when I’m being stubborn or when people simply don’t understand my work. I am very misunderstood. I don’t speak very much in person. But when I do speak I try to say what’s most important. Maybe this is my problem.
I’ve been judging certain things as more or less important than other things and in the process I’ve done this with everything in my life as a whole. School for me is so much more important than work. But I can’t get to school every day if I don’t work. I live the NYC commuter school life, probably very atypical. The experience you may have not even heard of until now unless you live in NYC yourself. I’m really not writing this to sound cool or clever. I lived on campus for a semester and that definitely was not for me. I’m happy I was there and I learned the most I could learn about myself in those four months. But I fled because I was scared. Scared of being vulnerable. Scared of doing things that made me uncomfortable. Yet, I don’t regret leaving either.
The past four years have taught me a lot about myself as well. When I’m stressed, I’m the worst version of myself. I procrastinate even when that’s clearly the stupidest thing I could possibly do. I wake up miserable. I don’t want to do regular things that would normally make me happy, like eating food (half of the reason I started this blog lol). I’m barely hungry at all when I’m stressed. Most recently, since I may have an ulcer I try to stay as positive as possible and when things spiral out of control and consecutively do not go my way, I crash and I burn, and the saddest part is, I want to burn. The worst side of me wants this to all be over. So nothing can hurt me anymore. I would never cut myself or drink myself to death on purpose. Like I said, I may have an ulcer so every time I drink now it feels like I have the worst hangover or for the ladies reading this, the start of a period.
Most of my stress recently has been due to my health problems, i.e. possible ulcer and stomach issues overall. I want to drink. I want to have fun. Maybe I’m trying too hard. I know what I like, I really do. Sometimes I get tired of my interests and my overall chill life. But whenever I try to have other people’s version of fun I am disappointed. It’s not fun for me to drink before going out because I honestly want to pay full attention to whatever I’m doing. It’s hard for me to truly regret doing something because I see every experience as something to learn from. What I am glad about is that every time I have these experiences that disappoint me, they make me appreciate my interests more.
Don’t get me wrong. Sometimes I wear my heart on my sleeve. It’s not as easy as it seems for me to get to this point. At first, I do regret doing it. But what works the best for me may not work for others. If you can shake things off, good for you and I truly mean that. It is hard to build up confidence when you barely have any. But if you already have really firm and honest confidence, please do not let the world break you. Speak up when you need to. It truly helps. Even when someone doesn’t want to hear it. Say it for your piece of mind. Before I encourage you to insult someone, do not get me wrong. Do not say something solely to hurt someone. I am speaking from a very emotional place, but I think I have a very methodical way of dealing with my emotions. It is not typical, I have never been typical nor will I ever be.
I do not want to be typical. If I could erase the feeling of loneliness from the world I truly would do that. If I have ever made anyone feel alone, I straight up apologize here and now. It is never my intention to do so. However, I will say that although I consider myself compassionate and caring, we all have two sides to ourselves. Some people are reluctant to admit it, but we all have an angry horrible side. Or maybe I’m extremely unique again. I don’t believe so. Most people probably need more to set off their anger compared to me. Yet even through all the differences I could name I want to look at the other side.
We all want basically the same things. No one wants to feel lonely. No one wants to feel hurt or feel weak. You may want to end everything. But please, please. If you do not have much more time or even not enough care to finish reading this look here: You are your star. Do what makes YOU happy. Stop caring about what other people think. If it seems like the world is against you, it’s time to learn something. Trust me please with this one.
I have had the biggest highs and really deep lows. I have had numerous times that I wanted to end it all. But even through all of that, I still love myself enough to not give up.
What works for me you may ask? How did I get through it? That’s a hard question to answer but basically, I do not hide my emotions if I feel their important. I cry when I need to cry. I leave class when I want to leave class (yes, really lol.) I walked out of my copy writing class when my professor would not hear me out about my ad concepts. Dramatic? Maybe. Did it make me feel better? Damn right, yes it did. Yet, even through my anger, I talked it out, listened to people dear to me who I know have my best interests at heart and applied what they said. Instead of being a bone head, I changed my idea based on my professor’s comments and he seems to respect my ideas even if he has a crappy way of showing it. I respect my professor, even if he hated me for my reaction that day.
Before this turns into a novel, I want to end this on a positive, but also honest note. If you take anything from this please believe me when I say it:
When you let down those walls that have been killing you to your core, it is the greatest feeling in the world.
Yes, it is uncomfortable at first.
People get busy… soo…
Make yourself your world. Don’t expect the world to bend for you.
Sometimes you have to swallow your pride and do what is right.
If you want to scream fuck the world, do it.
But sooner or later if you’re miserable, you have to do something for you. Stop listening to other people, or stop hanging around people who make you feel bad. Especially if it seriously effects you.
You should apologize when you’re wrong or hurt someone you care about. But do not apologize for being yourself.
If you must explain your actions, do it.
It is worth it for someone you care about.
You are more than worth it. You know why? You’re lucky to be alive. You’re lucky to breathe a fresh breath every single day when you wake up. Even when you’re in pain, or hungover or whatever is plaguing you. There are people in many undeveloped countries who want to be in your position, even if they have never experienced it or know nothing about your life.
I do not like thinking of events as lucky or unlucky. But I certainly am blessed. I have worked for most things that I have whether people believe me or not. I am a constant work in progress. We all live and die. I am not scared of death. I’m scared of not living a full life. But on my terms. Not yours, or his or hers, or the dudes that only like me for my body.
Fuck them. Fuck other opinions. Love life.
Throw out the bad stuff in your life. Embrace the good.
So I actually wrote this letter years back on July 7, 2013 (originally written inside my sketchbook with charcoal) but I wanted to share it because what I wrote is very relevant to my current mindset.
So here’s the thing, I don’t know why I keep feeling like this, but I’m not happy. Things aren’t bad, but they could be better. Especially my health. I don’t know how I’ve let it become so bad. I used to care so much about what I ate. But I guess I spent way more time alone too. I mean I’m in great shape compared to other people but I haven’t been able to eat regularly without becoming sick. I think my problem is I care too much, and I’m not a person who could turn this part of me off. It’s deeply rooted. Not just that, but I care about what people think too much. I don’t know why it is the way that I am or maybe I’m just more honest about it. I think everyone else cares too, they just like what everyone else likes, so its not a problem. Or they just go along with what everyone else says. But that has never been the way that I am. I don’t follow the crowd.
I am a renegade at heart, as corny as that may sound. And I like it that way. I don’t want what everyone else wants. I want my own life and to live it my way. I hate gossip and drama. I like the finer things in life. I mean, I can be wild sometimes. But I’d rather relax and watch a Hitchcock movie. Not Fast & the Furious or other mumbo jumbo bullshit all of the time. Movies like that are just a distraction and a fantasy. Not that Hitchcock movies don’t contain illusions or act as a distraction itself. But the story lines are still about regular people and their lives. Not stupid car racing, drug wars, or stupid corruption. I know I’ve written about what I’m about to say somewhere else but it still sticks in my head. I feel like I’m the only person like myself left sometimes.
I can talk about old movies for days. Or Hitchcock movies anyway. I haven’t seen many other old films to be completely honest. I just feel like it’s so hard to catch up while also trying to stay current. Ya know? Of course you do know everything, don’t you?
Don’t let anyone tell you any different.
Well I hate to cut this short but it’s getting harder to write with this charcoal.
A Letter to Someone I Love: Everything I Didn’t Tell You
I’m sorry. I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry I stressed you out. I was angry. I know this doesn’t excuse my words or actions. But I didn’t mean it. Your brain isn’t rotten. You have a great mind that can achieve anything. I truly believe that. Even if we do not become one again, I hope for the best for you. Not because you were mine. But because I was yours as well. You’re the one person I never wanted to hurt in any way and I failed. Failed miserably. Mostly because of factors outside of your control. My insecurities together with horrible timing. When we met and got together being with you was heaven but at the end we created hell for each other. I know it’s unrealistic to promise that we’ll be in heaven again, but I hope maybe someday you will feel that. Not just with me, with anyone.
Heaven and Earth are open to you, if you accept them. I cannot promise fights will not happen. That would be a stupid promise to make. But I promise that I learned my lesson. I had the world given to me and I was overcome by petty nonsense. I don’t even believe God is on my side right now. When I was miserable in the past, I asked him for happiness and I truly believe that he gave me that in the form of you. I can’t pinpoint when it started to go south for us, but I do know where I went wrong. I couldn’t understand why you wanted to party on our first anniversary with your theater buddies. But as I thought about it recently I thought perhaps you wanted your friends to meet me.
If that is the case, that is the first time my insecurities blind-sided me to your love. After that, I remember when I was really torn up about not being accepted to the film program at my school. I’m not sure if you grasped how much it truly hurt me. It was not simply people critiquing my work. He called it horrible. Being rejected from the film program hurt, not because they stopped me from making films, but because they rejected my mind. I never thought I would be mainstream. I am a person that is either loved or hated. I do not think there is an in between.
I’ve learned a lot since being rejected from the film program. Not that my films or thought process is bad. But that I have a unique mind. I don’t believe I see the world how other people see it. And that’s ok.
I fell in love with you because I believe we are very similar although obviously very different at the same time. We have both mistreated people who have been there for us. I remember our talk before you left for school. I hope you do as well. If our moms can forgive us for all of the crap that we put them through, then I do not need more proof that love exists.
Sure, we may react differently to many things, but I do think we have a similar thought process. I agree I have become more radical than I was in the past but I did always have my liberal feminist views inside me. You know what opened my eyes? The group I followed on Facebook silenced me when I defended you. I never named you but mentioned fights that we had about certain issues and they basically said that they could never do that. That they wouldn’t. How can you learn anything from only speaking with like-minded people? I know you don’t care much about politics but your points of view never bothered me. Even when you proved me wrong. I was better for learning something I didn’t know.
I hope in all of our years together (seems weird writing it) I hope you’ve learned some things from me as well. Not just about me, but about yourself. Before I was with you, I was scared to show my nerdy side, for lack of a better word. Now I do not give a fuck what people think about my 2DS or Yoshi shirt. I truly bonded with my friend Iris talking about Clefable! It felt great to have a conversation like that about my interests that mattered to me. But also about something that wasn’t too serious.
I used to hate small talk because I never knew what to say. But from you I know that if you like or know someone, the easiest way to break the ice and start a good friendship is saying “hi.” I do not expect you to forgive me right away or ever. I really don’t even know how to end this.
Can we start again?
I don’t want you to be like anyone else.
This is not to take away from others.
But I like how different you are.
I love how vibrant you are when you are happy.
When you’re happy
You have a smile that gives the world hope.
When I was sad and alone at Bard,
you gave me hope.
If this letter does that for you and nothing more,
I have achieved what I wanted.
I hate to be sentimental on this hypothetical re-meeting (if that’s what you want to call this)
But I’m sorry.
I love you
If you have to be free from me to be happy. I understand.