A generation scorned

A generation scorned

Don’t tell me to keep things positive

What’s positive about being a part of a generation with so many expectations attached to us that any decision made that isn’t perfect to everyone is criticized?

The levels of depression and anxiety prove it

What is this world coming to?

Ruled by a bunch of people that own large corporations so they act like they own people

Maybe the idea of peace is a fallacy

But as a child I didn’t think the world would be ruined by so much greed

So much arrogance

People who think they know everything

If they were smart they would know you never stop learning

And that different perspectives are what make this world fantastic

Although like I said earlier, the soapbox syndrome we’re all apart of now where we criticize everything from our keyboards does come with its own flaws (and as much irony as me typing this on my phone right now)

But can you blame us?

That’s how our generation learned to express ourselves

If you’re not a major player in the game, shut up and be quiet. The world doesn’t care what you think

So instead of speaking up in person, we learned to speak up through our keyboards

To battle our battles with only like minded individuals because of algorithms designed to section us up, not knowing that these tactics would r really tear us apart.

I don’t claim to know any of the answers

But what do our elders really expect us to do with this garbage dump of a country that is left behind?

Let’s blame the millennials for everything we had almost no control over

But continue drinking the kool-aid, those old farts probably won’t read this anyway

They’re too busy pointing fingers when what people need to do right now is look in the mirror and really see what’s wrong with the world

N. Oliva

I Take it Back

I Take it Back

You weren’t the best thing that ever happened to me

Maybe for a while

But after the allure ran out

I was just a person with too many problems for you

Sorry my life isn’t a storybook dream

What would you like me to do about that?

Lie about everything going on?

Lie about being happy?

For what?

Yes of course I wanted you to be happy

But the problems I was dealing with (still dealing with) are/ were not things you can just push aside

And it’s funny because when you’re having an issue you expect me to just put my stuff aside and help you to forget about yours or make you feel better

But how did you help me? By telling me to take control of myself?

If I had control over the situations that were troubling me I wouldn’t have felt so bad

Is that so hard to understand?

Literally everything that happened was out of my control.

Yes I can control myself but I can’t control how others react to me

You can’t deny that

Am I supposed to stay silent and not defend myself ever?

Because that would literally be the only solution to keeping the peace

And I was sick of being silent

Silenced

By everyone

Including you

You were my everything for so long

And it pains me to say that my everything didn’t understand me

To my core

At all

Someone who doesn’t even know me had to explain me to you

I’m not sure why I held on for so long

I got way too comfortable with you

Even after the first sign I knew you weren’t right for me

I take back what I said

I don’t want to be with you or marry you

Our future is not in the back of my mind anymore

The only thing I’m focused on

Is me

N. Oliva

Expectations of the Sheep

Expectations of the Sheep

IMG_0874 (2)
“Drained” N. Oliva 12/2017

People think because a person has a degree that automatically they get to work a glamorous job and make stacks of money.

Sure the opportunities are out there, but what if that’s not what a person wants?

What if my goal is to work with a great team somewhere and be happy.

Of course, there are bills to pay but are we really living to work?

That’s not how I pictured my life going.

Maybe my goals are too picturesque or cliche. Not set in reality. But I don’t think it’s hard to find a nice group of people and make your job something more than that. Something you enjoy

Maybe my goals are too simple for the NYC grind and area.

Maybe my home will be somewhere out west or south or even another country.

I’m a firm believer that life is what you make it.

But what if the people around me truly are to blame for my negative outlook.

I’ve been patient for a while hoping that if I’m nice and do everything I need to do to keep the peace that maybe people would change.

Maybe they would appreciate the things that I do for them without them asking.

But these people never do.

These people are only happy when you’re doing everything they ask and nothing more. When you say what they want you to say and act like another one of the sheep like they do.

News flash

I never was a sheep and I never will be

I’m like a lotus flower wrapped in diamonds

Sculpted by the pressure and atmosphere around me

The dirt is more my friend and family than people related to me by blood at times

I know things could be so much worse

I know my life is great on the surface

I could not be living at all

I try my best to embrace each day that comes

But sometimes

Just sometimes

The thought of not waking up seems like a sweet release compared to living this life that I live

Where money has become more important to people than company

Maybe it’s time to stop being comfortable. To leave and find my tribe.

I may have lost my leaves. But trust me when I say

I will grow

And I will flourish again in the spring

I always do.

It’s in my nature

Forever blooming

dalai lama quote

 

N. Oliva

When I Say I am a Feminist

When I Say I am a Feminist


When I say I am a Feminist

It has nothing to do with a hate for men

When I say I am a Feminist

It’s not because my dad chose not to see me as a child

When I say I am a Feminist

It’s not because of the latent patriarchy that is so evident to me, but not clear to people that say “you’re so lucky to live in America, what are you complaining about?” when I already knew this to be true, I come from a family that supports and has ties to the military and have never said I was not lucky. I have a great love for my country and I am still able to criticize it. Let’s not praise it like we are unable to do anything wrong.

When I say I am a Feminist

I try my best to be intersectional but we all have our own blinders on due to our own perspectives shaped by the people in our lives and our own developed knowledge.

When I say I am a Feminist

It’s because of all the women that I’ve met and had around me my whole life. The ones who work painstakingly and get barely any credit. Their opinions are questioned at every level by men and women, often more than their male counterparts. Their ways of life are questioned. If a woman doesn’t want a child, or if she does and wants to work, or she stays home with the child. No matter what we choose, there’s someone behind a keyboard criticizing us for just trying to live our lives authentically to who we are as individuals.

Women that like to cook, or women that don’t cook or clean. Because you know that’s what women are supposed to do and we’re supposed to clean until things look spotless but you know it’s an option for the guy because he’s the stereotypical breadwinner. If he’s not the breadwinner we judge that too.

For gay couples that want to adopt children or go through invitro, etc. Their an abomination? But yet their taking children that they technically have no obligation to into their homes and lives to give them a more enriched life. Wow, how fucking terrible.

When I say I am a Feminist

I say it for the guys who don’t want to be hyper masculine either. I see you and I may not understand your struggle exactly. But I feel it at times when I joke about being an alpha and guys laugh at me as if that’s not a possible thing for a woman to be.

I say it for the guys who think they have to pay for everything and when I offer to pay they shrivel up in fear as if that’s something terrible for a woman to offer a man.

Finally

When I say I am a Feminist

It’s for all the women and men who show up, who listen to me and also allow me to listen to them. All the women and men (people, also trans/gender fluid) that are just trying to be their own authentic selves.

It’s for all the women in my life that are so amazing, beautiful, but also intelligent individuals yet some people are too prideful to admit.

It’s for all the women that have to play coy when a guy flirts with them so they can ease away from an awkward situation. Or the women who are bold enough to speak up and risk a potential conflict that shouldn’t happen when someone speaks up for themselves.

It’s for men who fell into these situations with women they don’t want to get involved with (because they should want advances from any woman right?)

It’s for a love of all people

Anyone that feels like an other, generally not included.

Meet your Feminist

N. Oliva

I Surrender

I Surrender

I admit defeat.

The girl who usually knows what to do has been stumped.

Never thought of you to be the one to play mind games

But here we are!

Imagine if I called or texted a guy when I was drunk?

I would be labeled desperate. But you’re a guy, so you’re just passionate.

I’m a grown fucking woman, yet I can’t decide when to talk to the person I’m in a relationship with.

The same bullshit busy excuse. I was used to it at one point but now it just makes me nauseous

This is either the last time I let you make me feel like this or a series of unfortunate events leading up to the last time.

Excuse my anger, believe it or not, I love and appreciate all of the good moments we have shared. But to date, those good times have been replaced with fighting, fighting, and more fighting!

If only you would really communicate with me. You say I’m terrible at communicating, but ha, you leave so many things left unsaid and then randomly blow up on me.

I learned how to let off steam in middle school. If being with me makes you that anxious to share your feelings, I don’t know what relationship you have been a part of.

I can, however, tell you how it feels from my end.

Mostly me missing you, wanting to talk to you. Occasionally share things that have happened in my day. Yes, sometimes I do want to talk all day! It’s almost like you’re my significant other.. haha. Fuck me for thinking you should have my back or see somewhat eye-to-eye with me on matters like such.

I know the last time you told me you were lonely I could have reacted better. Been like:

“Babe, I miss you too.”

Because it was one hundred percent true! I did realllyyyy miss you.

But past a certain point, it feels like I’m just waiting for you to return feelings that I know that I have for you.

I’m not just sitting around playing with my thumbs. I may not be attending school anymore (I graduated, thank the lord)

I’m not even sure if I ever shared with you how hard my last semester was for me. I don’t think I did.

Here are some feelings again: Try not to be daunted

I was depressed. Deeply depressed. I didn’t want to go to class, I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I wanted to sleep all day and night. I especially did not want to do my school work, because I didn’t think I was capable, I could barely focus at all on anything besides the thought of not wanting to breathe anymore.

But I pushed myself forward. Relied on whoever I could to help me with my struggles, went to therapy whenever I could, which truly did help. (I thank you for helping me reach out and realize I needed to talk to a professional psychologist/therapist) Was the best thing I could have ever done for myself at that point. I also, started a new job at a place I never thought I could handle, I worked sales! I walked around and helped people for sometimes nine hours a day! With a smile on my face, I might add.

But you don’t recognize that I only use that fake smile on people I don’t know. The real smile pops up when I’m around people who let me be me.

At the start of us talking and hanging out, I really did think I could be myself. I don’t know when the switch really happened.

I know I get jealous, I know I can be a hot head at times. I don’t deny any of that. But you never tried to ease my insecurities in person. Just made it seem like I was trying to ruin your day. What a selfish way of looking at it.

 

You listed alllll of your problems to me recently. You know when. Apparently, I’m one of your problems, why your life sucks.

I’m one of your melancholy buddies from home.

Oh, joy. What an honor to have made your list.

I should quit my bitching and smack a smile on my face to make every man who has ever judged me for not smiling happily.

Didn’t realize I was honored to be with such an upstanding respectful guy.

Hide your emotions, we don’t need those. We can just push them away and away until you snap like I do babe.

Except when I snap, I’m a hot head. When you snap, you passed your breaking point.

 

See my problem here?

Besides the textbook gaslighting, which you probably still don’t understand.

 

You limit me. Yes, I said it.

I don’t need to mope around all day. But what I do need is someone willing to listen to me when I have some issues with my life that I need to get off my chest.

You pride yourself on being a modern upstanding guy. News flash. Licking a girl’s twat now and again doesn’t make you a prince.

Yes, you’re a nice guy, that people can definitely have fun with. As a boyfriend. There’s no word or phrase to describe you besides selectively loving and caring.

 

I’m in love with the guy that I think you are and can be. Sadly, I barely see him in you and your actions anymore.

I surrender.

Tell me I’m crazy.

Gaslight me.

Then try to tell me everything you think I should hear Mr. Smug.

What else is new with you. Nothing.

 

White towel thrown.

 

 

 

 

N. Oliva