Letters: Why didn’t I believe you

Letters: Why didn’t I believe you

Why don’t I believe people when they show me who they are?

Am I too stubborn? Or too sweet to function?

Because it’s taken me a while to figure out who I am but even then,

I know some people put up a front for so long and then snap when shit gets rough

I can’t say I’ve never had the same pattern however I will say:

I try to be as straight up and honest with people as I can

I might not say all of my feelings out loud

But I show them

Anyone that doesn’t know how I feel about them isn’t paying attention or just doesn’t care or maybe is even more stubborn

Or way more insecure than I’ll ever be

Idk why people think I’m insecure

Sure, I have my moments

But don’t project your insecurities or problems on me

She may be but little but this bitch is fierce

If you don’t know where that’s from

Please read more

Make America read again

How about that bitch

I’m more confident than I’ve ever been.

I speak my mind like I’m being paid for it. But when I want to

Not to fill the silence like other awkward people who can’t handle silence do

Silence is golden

If you can’t see the good in silence or in me, then you’re not paying attention long enough or caring enough

Or anywhere near close to good enough for me.

And I believe you now

N. Oliva

The sun

The sun

Sometimes I feel like the sun

Like I can bright up the whole world and everyone’s life

Like nothing can touch me

But it’s hard when you actually realize

You’re imperfect

And

That people you keep treating like your entire universe

Keep dousing your flames

Its as if people are ashamed of how bright you shine

Or they’re like the moon when there’s a lunar eclipse

They can’t help but block your shine

Maybe it’s a natural occurrence

Maybe when people get close to me they’re burned by my temperature

A lot of people look at me like I have something they want

Like a marvel

And maybe

Those wants are just superficial

Maybe I put too much energy into everything and everyone around me

But everytime I expect people to deliver what I give

I’m faced with disappointment

It’s hard to be selfless in a world of selfishness

It’s hard to keep shining in a world of darkness

All I ever needed was your matchstick…

To take my wrongs and make them right
To take my darkness and make it bright

I know I’m the one who yields the power of holding the match stick and lighting up my life

To keeping myself happy

But the world would be a little less lonely if people would try to get close and not act so cold

It’s ok to be warm

Warmth can be defined in different ways

People who are there when they have no reason to be

People that stick around and listen to you

They offer help if they can or they just spend time with you to let you know that you’re not alone

Because that’s the last thing that they would ever want someone to feel like

Maybe they try to make you laugh and forget about all of the bullshit

You’re not alone if you’re not in a relationship but who are we all kidding

Everyone wants to be with someone at the end of the day

Whether it’s the same person or not

Don’t push people away

Shine solo or together with someone

N. Oliva

You were born to make an amazing life

You were born to make an amazing life

You were born to make an amazing life

Not to sit around waiting for a change and making random posts on Instagram for insta-likes

You were born to feel the wind in your hair and the sun on your cheeks (face and ass if you can rock it)

You were born to conquer your fears not to become a victim to your anxieties

Don’t get me wrong

Fears, anxieties, depression, they’re all monsters that plague us.

But when you let yourself become a victim to your mind

Are you really living?

This isn’t a criticism. It’s a wake up call

Live your fucking dreams

And don’t apologize for occasionally having your head in the clouds

It’s what keeps us alive

Dreaming, hoping, loving those around us

Struggle shapes you

Don’t let it knock you too far down

You’re meant to rise back up as high mountains and show the world why you deserve your spot

Because you were born to make an amazing life

And I will keep believing this is true no matter how many bitter, miserable people attempt to bring me down and make me think I’m the one who’s naïve

Be the person of your dreams

I believe in you and I

N. Oliva

A generation scorned

A generation scorned

Don’t tell me to keep things positive

What’s positive about being a part of a generation with so many expectations attached to us that any decision made that isn’t perfect to everyone is criticized?

The levels of depression and anxiety prove it

What is this world coming to?

Ruled by a bunch of people that own large corporations so they act like they own people

Maybe the idea of peace is a fallacy

But as a child I didn’t think the world would be ruined by so much greed

So much arrogance

People who think they know everything

If they were smart they would know you never stop learning

And that different perspectives are what make this world fantastic

Although like I said earlier, the soapbox syndrome we’re all apart of now where we criticize everything from our keyboards does come with its own flaws (and as much irony as me typing this on my phone right now)

But can you blame us?

That’s how our generation learned to express ourselves

If you’re not a major player in the game, shut up and be quiet. The world doesn’t care what you think

So instead of speaking up in person, we learned to speak up through our keyboards

To battle our battles with only like minded individuals because of algorithms designed to section us up, not knowing that these tactics would r really tear us apart.

I don’t claim to know any of the answers

But what do our elders really expect us to do with this garbage dump of a country that is left behind?

Let’s blame the millennials for everything we had almost no control over

But continue drinking the kool-aid, those old farts probably won’t read this anyway

They’re too busy pointing fingers when what people need to do right now is look in the mirror and really see what’s wrong with the world

N. Oliva

I Take it Back

I Take it Back

You weren’t the best thing that ever happened to me

Maybe for a while

But after the allure ran out

I was just a person with too many problems for you

Sorry my life isn’t a storybook dream

What would you like me to do about that?

Lie about everything going on?

Lie about being happy?

For what?

Yes of course I wanted you to be happy

But the problems I was dealing with (still dealing with) are/ were not things you can just push aside

And it’s funny because when you’re having an issue you expect me to just put my stuff aside and help you to forget about yours or make you feel better

But how did you help me? By telling me to take control of myself?

If I had control over the situations that were troubling me I wouldn’t have felt so bad

Is that so hard to understand?

Literally everything that happened was out of my control.

Yes I can control myself but I can’t control how others react to me

You can’t deny that

Am I supposed to stay silent and not defend myself ever?

Because that would literally be the only solution to keeping the peace

And I was sick of being silent

Silenced

By everyone

Including you

You were my everything for so long

And it pains me to say that my everything didn’t understand me

To my core

At all

Someone who doesn’t even know me had to explain me to you

I’m not sure why I held on for so long

I got way too comfortable with you

Even after the first sign I knew you weren’t right for me

I take back what I said

I don’t want to be with you or marry you

Our future is not in the back of my mind anymore

The only thing I’m focused on

Is me

N. Oliva

Expectations of the Sheep

Expectations of the Sheep

IMG_0874 (2)
“Drained” N. Oliva 12/2017

People think because a person has a degree that automatically they get to work a glamorous job and make stacks of money.

Sure the opportunities are out there, but what if that’s not what a person wants?

What if my goal is to work with a great team somewhere and be happy.

Of course, there are bills to pay but are we really living to work?

That’s not how I pictured my life going.

Maybe my goals are too picturesque or cliche. Not set in reality. But I don’t think it’s hard to find a nice group of people and make your job something more than that. Something you enjoy

Maybe my goals are too simple for the NYC grind and area.

Maybe my home will be somewhere out west or south or even another country.

I’m a firm believer that life is what you make it.

But what if the people around me truly are to blame for my negative outlook.

I’ve been patient for a while hoping that if I’m nice and do everything I need to do to keep the peace that maybe people would change.

Maybe they would appreciate the things that I do for them without them asking.

But these people never do.

These people are only happy when you’re doing everything they ask and nothing more. When you say what they want you to say and act like another one of the sheep like they do.

News flash

I never was a sheep and I never will be

I’m like a lotus flower wrapped in diamonds

Sculpted by the pressure and atmosphere around me

The dirt is more my friend and family than people related to me by blood at times

I know things could be so much worse

I know my life is great on the surface

I could not be living at all

I try my best to embrace each day that comes

But sometimes

Just sometimes

The thought of not waking up seems like a sweet release compared to living this life that I live

Where money has become more important to people than company

Maybe it’s time to stop being comfortable. To leave and find my tribe.

I may have lost my leaves. But trust me when I say

I will grow

And I will flourish again in the spring

I always do.

It’s in my nature

Forever blooming

dalai lama quote

 

N. Oliva