Did I ever tell you how I felt about you since the day I met you?
If not, that was my first mistake. Not because I regret what happened after. Everything happens for a reason and I truly believe that. However, it took me until now to realize how closed off my heart was to you.
So let me explain. Not because I need to, but because I want to tell you in great detail how I feel about you and for how long.
. . .
On the day we met, I was in awe of you.
I was excited that you were the first one to talk to me at this new job that I was at outside of the people from orientation.
But the complication lied in me still being with my ex ( my boyfriend at the time). So, I felt as if I had to hide my feelings for you since then.
When you first spoke to me, I was glad to find out you were an artist like me and you gave me one of your pins. I thought it was super cute of you to give me one especially on our first meeting.
Without naming the place we both met, you and I both know we flirted and saw each other many times after that. I was sad that I had to turn you down when you had asked me out on a date.
At the time, me and my ex had actually just gotten back together after a small break and I wished I had met you sooner; clearly that was not in our plan.
I want to go back to that fun and flirty energy we had, I helped you and you helped me.
I loved every single time I heard you call me Nikki.
I love everytime you call me or come visit me when you’re drunk. It’s actually super adorable. It makes me hope that one day you’ll come home to me at night drunk like that from hanging out with friends and spoil me with your drunk kisses and cuddles.
It sounds like a line, but I never adequately enjoyed cuddling until the first time I was wrapped in your arms. There’s something about you that words can’t express.
From where did they come
The ego and the mind
Working together as one
This isn’t who we are
Or what we should believe The negative thoughts The ego wanting to deceive
Step back for one moment And watch them from afar
See the pain and fear dissolve Those thoughts not who we are
For we are infinite beings
Find stillness from within
The mind stops us from seeing
It can change the world we’re in We are not our thoughts
Nor are we formed From the ego and the mind
Our reality is torn Watch the thoughts that come
And recognize why they are there
But be aware, they’re ego born For your life they do not care
But once you see them for all they are They have no power over you
Watch them come and watch them go With practice they’ll come few
You’re waking up now to beauty To the things you’ve never heard The waterfall, the mountains
The silence between the birds
Normally I would write or share posts like this on Art Tuesday but if you’ve been reading my page recently you’d see that sorta went out the window. I’ve been very into art and writing my feelings out. But sometimes even I do not have all the words, like most people I presume.
But this poem struck me. A lot of us have had issues with self-esteem and with loving ourselves. And if I can help anyone. Even just one person overcome there’s, then I’ve done right.
Please check out this person’s lovely post and blog on tumblr. Link below.
Art is much less important than life, but what a poor life without it. Robert Motherwell.
Art has been a major influence in my life in a lot of ways. Not simply visual art either. Artists (visual and musical), paintings, music, film (also directors and screenplay writers), animation, writers like Maya Angelou (bless her soul and her beautiful poetry), even some clothing designers (You go Diane Von Furstenberg!), have all inspired me in some way. Even to start writing this blog.
When I look at the walls in my room, it’s easy to see how art has been an inspiration to me, even though recently I have hit a bit of a wall with my creativity. I’ve always been willing to try new things when it comes to art, as far as exploration and discovery go (in one’s art that is). But it seems whenever people tell me that they do not like some of my work, I take it too harshly. Should I or shouldn’t I? Nevertheless, I still draw and paint to my heart’s desire.
Until recently, I was not too good with words. Creating visual art was my sole escape. Keyword was. I still enjoy drawing and painting, reading, writing, going to museums whenever I can. However, life has caught up with me and has become more serious. I especially struggled after I was rejected from a film program I yearned to be a part of ever since I fell in love with film: the ultimate visual art in my opinion, because it encompasses all aspects of visual art, but also utilizes music and dialogue (in modern cinema of course).
Art is my escape from reality because art does not force you to have an impression or experience you do not wish to have. Certainly, artists have intentions for their work when they create them. But experiencing art encompasses everything you have ever seen. Depending on your point of view, you will see something different from how I do. Also, creating art is a unique experience in itself as well. People have tried to describe the process of creating art. But it is not the same for everyone.
To me, “Girl Before a Mirror,” connects with my insecure side. When I look into it, I see myself looking into the mirror and think about how I pick apart myself and my flaws. But it is fair to say that this was not even close to what Pablo Picasso was thinking while creating this piece. Or while deciding on which colors to use, the shape of the woman’s breasts and hips, etc. He may have simply been fascinated with a woman’s habit of peering into a mirror. Picasso had more than a few women in his life. In the past, when I read about Picasso’s life and accomplishments I was fascinated about how he lived. He and the people he lived amongst revolutionized cubism during their own lifetime. Imagine doing that during your time alive? One could only hope to accomplish as much or even half of what Picasso did during his own lifetime. To be so successful, that your grandchildren do not have to work. If you do not believe me, google his grandchildren. He probably made most of his wealth after he died, and sure, he had his flaws, but can you say you are perfect?
Does Art Imitate Life or Does Life Imitate Art?
I do not think I could give a definite answer to that question but in my opinion, my art reflects my life. Sure, I have tried to redo some Picasso pieces. So in that literal way, I replicated art and was influenced by it. But I have always been an observer. Not necessarily a follower. Following this line of thought, some people may entirely imitate art, but the ones who revolutionize, their art imitates life. Not the other way around.
I believe all great art imitates life. Even abstract art. Abstract art in itself is a complex puzzle not meant to be solved. Just like life. Why are we here? I do not have an answer to that question either. Are we here to live and then die? What should be we do while on this Earth? What if we all have a purpose that is meant to be fulfilled? Have I fulfilled that purpose yet?
If you read through older posts on the Gaff Blog, you’ll see one post that mentions Lady Gaga, who is another great influence in my life. Say what you will about her. But her music, whether she was high while writing it or even making the beats certainly imitates her life. From Bad Kids to So Happy I Could Die, to Monster, if you dig deep into her lyrics, you can see the real her. Even Poker Face is apparently about her hiding a bisexual fantasy from her lover. The rawness of her music is what always attracted me to her as an artist. Also, her love of playing piano always inspires me to bring an aspect of what I love into my future work and career. Although her taste for leather repulsed me during my vegetarian phase, I accepted her for her flaws. Some may think she has more than others. But again, we’re all imperfect. Artists may simply be more attuned to accepting their flaws.
To end this post, I will say that art has continued to be an immensely beneficial aspect of my life. If art has not benefitted you in any way, I suggest checking again. On your walls, on your clothes, maybe some place that I wouldn’t even think of. But find what makes you happy and pursue that, whatever way you can.
Instead of sharing one of my own works this Tuesday I thought I would share something I love with all of you.
Button Poetry on YouTube is perhaps what it sounds like: spoken word poetry out loud but read by the people who have written the poetry. As like most poetry the topics of discussion are typically more serious issues. As such, topics for Button Poetry range from issues with depression, anxiety, social norms, but sometimes they’re actually quite comical, or sweet.
Two specific videos I love are Kevin Yang’s “How to Love Your Introvert” and Justin Lamb “For the People Who Ask Me If I’m Tired”
As you may have guessed “How to Love Your Introvert” is one of my favorites because I myself, am an introvert.
Gasp! Do you ever get out of your house? Do you hate people?
To answer this, yes I do get out of my house, and no I do not hate people. But my desire to socialize can be compared with my desire to exercise. And I’ll let Kevin explain the rest.
Similarly, I loveeeee “For the People Who Ask Me If I’m Tired” because this is a common and persistent problem that I have with people.
Why must you ask me if I’m tired? Does asking me if I’m tired help you in some way? Do you like making me feel like I look defeated or just generally like shit or what? Or do you have to say your thoughts out loud? Either way I’m tired of you or him, or her, everybody asking this stupid, invasive and insulting question.
Watch for some giggles:
If you love Button Poetry show this post some love, or make a comment or two about one of the Button Poetry posts you are fond of, or poetry in general you think I might like to read