Did I ever tell you how I felt about you since the day I met you?
If not, that was my first mistake. Not because I regret what happened after. Everything happens for a reason and I truly believe that. However, it took me until now to realize how closed off my heart was to you.
So let me explain. Not because I need to, but because I want to tell you in great detail how I feel about you and for how long.
. . .
On the day we met, I was in awe of you.
I was excited that you were the first one to talk to me at this new job that I was at outside of the people from orientation.
But the complication lied in me still being with my ex ( my boyfriend at the time). So, I felt as if I had to hide my feelings for you since then.
When you first spoke to me, I was glad to find out you were an artist like me and you gave me one of your pins. I thought it was super cute of you to give me one especially on our first meeting.
Without naming the place we both met, you and I both know we flirted and saw each other many times after that. I was sad that I had to turn you down when you had asked me out on a date.
At the time, me and my ex had actually just gotten back together after a small break and I wished I had met you sooner; clearly that was not in our plan.
I want to go back to that fun and flirty energy we had, I helped you and you helped me.
I loved every single time I heard you call me Nikki.
I love everytime you call me or come visit me when you’re drunk. It’s actually super adorable. It makes me hope that one day you’ll come home to me at night drunk like that from hanging out with friends and spoil me with your drunk kisses and cuddles.
It sounds like a line, but I never adequately enjoyed cuddling until the first time I was wrapped in your arms. There’s something about you that words can’t express.
A Letter to Someone I Love: Everything I Didn’t Tell You
I’m sorry. I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry I stressed you out. I was angry. I know this doesn’t excuse my words or actions. But I didn’t mean it. Your brain isn’t rotten. You have a great mind that can achieve anything. I truly believe that. Even if we do not become one again, I hope for the best for you. Not because you were mine. But because I was yours as well. You’re the one person I never wanted to hurt in any way and I failed. Failed miserably. Mostly because of factors outside of your control. My insecurities together with horrible timing. When we met and got together being with you was heaven but at the end we created hell for each other. I know it’s unrealistic to promise that we’ll be in heaven again, but I hope maybe someday you will feel that. Not just with me, with anyone.
Heaven and Earth are open to you, if you accept them. I cannot promise fights will not happen. That would be a stupid promise to make. But I promise that I learned my lesson. I had the world given to me and I was overcome by petty nonsense. I don’t even believe God is on my side right now. When I was miserable in the past, I asked him for happiness and I truly believe that he gave me that in the form of you. I can’t pinpoint when it started to go south for us, but I do know where I went wrong. I couldn’t understand why you wanted to party on our first anniversary with your theater buddies. But as I thought about it recently I thought perhaps you wanted your friends to meet me.
If that is the case, that is the first time my insecurities blind-sided me to your love. After that, I remember when I was really torn up about not being accepted to the film program at my school. I’m not sure if you grasped how much it truly hurt me. It was not simply people critiquing my work. He called it horrible. Being rejected from the film program hurt, not because they stopped me from making films, but because they rejected my mind. I never thought I would be mainstream. I am a person that is either loved or hated. I do not think there is an in between.
I’ve learned a lot since being rejected from the film program. Not that my films or thought process is bad. But that I have a unique mind. I don’t believe I see the world how other people see it. And that’s ok.
I fell in love with you because I believe we are very similar although obviously very different at the same time. We have both mistreated people who have been there for us. I remember our talk before you left for school. I hope you do as well. If our moms can forgive us for all of the crap that we put them through, then I do not need more proof that love exists.
Sure, we may react differently to many things, but I do think we have a similar thought process. I agree I have become more radical than I was in the past but I did always have my liberal feminist views inside me. You know what opened my eyes? The group I followed on Facebook silenced me when I defended you. I never named you but mentioned fights that we had about certain issues and they basically said that they could never do that. That they wouldn’t. How can you learn anything from only speaking with like-minded people? I know you don’t care much about politics but your points of view never bothered me. Even when you proved me wrong. I was better for learning something I didn’t know.
I hope in all of our years together (seems weird writing it) I hope you’ve learned some things from me as well. Not just about me, but about yourself. Before I was with you, I was scared to show my nerdy side, for lack of a better word. Now I do not give a fuck what people think about my 2DS or Yoshi shirt. I truly bonded with my friend Iris talking about Clefable! It felt great to have a conversation like that about my interests that mattered to me. But also about something that wasn’t too serious.
I used to hate small talk because I never knew what to say. But from you I know that if you like or know someone, the easiest way to break the ice and start a good friendship is saying “hi.” I do not expect you to forgive me right away or ever. I really don’t even know how to end this.
Can we start again?
I don’t want you to be like anyone else.
This is not to take away from others.
But I like how different you are.
I love how vibrant you are when you are happy.
When you’re happy
You have a smile that gives the world hope.
When I was sad and alone at Bard,
you gave me hope.
If this letter does that for you and nothing more,
I have achieved what I wanted.
I hate to be sentimental on this hypothetical re-meeting (if that’s what you want to call this)
But I’m sorry.
I love you
If you have to be free from me to be happy. I understand.
I think I’ve been here before
But why didn’t I learn anything the first time?
Giving people chances
But they don’t do the same
Judge me for everything that I am
When I accept them and love them even for everything they are not
I do not expect diamonds and flowers everyday
Maybe a hello
Or a “Good morning beautiful, I love you”
But instead I do that
Maybe I smother you in love because that’s what I’ve always wanted
Love and affection
But don’t receive it
Will I ever?
Only time will tell.
No one is perfect
Even love is imperfect
No logical method to it