It’s sad for me to say that the last few years has shown me that I did not truly know my family at all until now

It is true what they say, when shit hits the fan: You learn who is truly by your side

Who does things for you to hold it over your head

Who decides to blame shift instead of holding space, having grace and compassion for you

The truth is, not one single person in my family saved me in 2023

As much as they like to take credit for that part

That day on October 11, 2023… I picked my own crying, panic attack having, suicidal butt up off the floor and decided to keep going for MYSELF

Not anybody else. Naturally, when you almost end your own life, you may think of a few people before doing it.

Unfortunately, I do not have that type of loving connection to my narcissistic birth mom nor my narcissistic birth dad. My stepdad and I get along; however, I truly think he is also paralyzed in fear from how my mother acts at times, also. And this is not to demasculate him at all. I understand wholeheartedly why he lives with that fear. I cannot speak for him, but truly, as much as he and I fight sometimes, I believe he is one of the few kind people that I needed around me growing up. He is not my biological dad, but he is the one I gladly call my dad, with pride.

It hurts me sometimes to drive a wedge between him and his wife. And it also hurts how much my mother drives a wedge between me and my dad. I grew up around him. He is my dad to me.

Nevertheless in her deluded mind, we seem to be fighting for attention from him. It is sickening how much she competes with me for my dad’s attention.

Getting back to the point, the one person that I thought of in 2023 while considering unaliving myself (because of numerous poops hitting the fan at the same time) is my oldest nephew who is 13 now. Also, I wanted to stay alive to see my cat Bella some more (in that moment they were my inspiration and connections to inspire myself to keep moving forward.)

The years fly past us so quickly, even at 32, I remember him being born like it was yesterday. I remember talking to my boyfriend at the time about it. I was excited and nervous for my sister to have her first child, of course. Who wouldn’t be? When I saw his bubbly little, chubby face for the first time, it filled me with so much love, warmth and joy.

Even with all the bad moments that happened that day due to my (bio) dad making things a little weird, sometimes I wish I could go back to the simplicity of that day.

Before I knew this much about my own family

Before I was able to see through the veil of the absurdity they tried to hold over my eyes for so long

Before I grew up and figured out who they truly are

It may be shocking to say, however, I prefer to not get upset at them. I am a lone wolf

I was raised by wolves. I see their cruelty for what it is

Hurt people hurt people, nonetheless, I personally refuse to let that be my excuse

I don’t want to bring that pattern to the rest of my bloodline

In my view, it truly does start with us

I don’t want my children to hate me because I hated my mother and father (because truly both my mother and father hated theirs and its sad how they continued that pattern)

I want my children to feel so loved that they would never think of physically harming themselves.

I want them to feel like they can talk to me about anything

Especially any way, I am hurting them, unknowingly.

I don’t want to be the blame shifter. I want to be the light that they need in any darkness.

Even if they end up hating me for it.

I want my children to feel so loved and free that nothing can stop them from doing anything they want to do in life.

I want to be the person they talk shit with when they have no one else to talk shit with.

I want to give them all the hugs when they need a hug.

I want to cry with them when they need a shoulder to cry on.

I want to bring them tissues on their wedding day to clean their face when they are crying from all of the excitement and overwhelm.

I wanna dance with them in the dark when they don’t feel like smiling.

I simply do not relate to anybody who treats people as they were treated in past bad situations.

I do not want to get back at anybody for wronging me in that way.

Besides sharing my own truth and my side of the story, of course.

We all know by now that I am great at telling my side of the story (or at least I think I am 😇👼😇)

Truthfully, I started this letter off with the intention of wanting to shit on my whole family, BUT frankly, to this day and onward, I am glad that I have continued to be nothing like them

I do not want to make excuses for why I am the way that I am, like they do endlessly without taking responsibility

My trauma did not make me who I am

I made me who I am today

I thank God every day for helping me to rise above

Whether you believe in God or not, that’s alright with me

Love and light to whatever your personal beliefs are

Either way, have a fantabulous day 🫰🏼🫶🏽💌

Nikkiii North Star 💫