It’s sad for me to say that the last few years has shown me that I did not truly know my family at alluntil now
It is true what they say, when shit hits the fan: You learn who is truly by your side
Who does things for you to hold it over your head
Who decides to blame shift instead of holding space, having grace and compassion for you
The truth is, not one single person in my family saved me in 2023
As much as they like to take credit for that part
That day on October 11, 2023… I picked my own crying, panic attack having, suicidal butt up off the floor and decided to keep going for MYSELF
Not anybody else. Naturally, when you almost end your own life, you may think of a few people before doing it.
Unfortunately, I do not have that type of loving connection to my narcissistic birth mom nor my narcissistic birth dad. My stepdad and I get along; however, I truly think he is also paralyzed in fear from how my mother acts at times, also. And this is not to demasculate him at all. I understand wholeheartedly why he lives with that fear. I cannot speak for him, but truly, as much as he and I fight sometimes, I believe he is one of the few kind people that I needed around me growing up. He is not my biological dad, but he is the one I gladly call my dad, with pride.
It hurts me sometimes to drive a wedge between him and his wife. And it also hurts how much my mother drives a wedge between me and my dad. I grew up around him. He is my dad to me.
Nevertheless in her deluded mind, we seem to be fighting for attention from him. It is sickening how much she competes with me for my dad’s attention.
Getting back to the point, the one person that I thought of in 2023 while considering unaliving myself (because of numerous poops hitting the fan at the same time) is my oldest nephew who is 13 now. Also, I wanted to stay alive to see my cat Bella some more (in that moment they were my inspiration and connections to inspire myself to keep moving forward.)
The years fly past us so quickly, even at 32, I remember him being born like it was yesterday. I remember talking to my boyfriend at the time about it. I was excited and nervous for my sister to have her first child, of course. Who wouldn’t be? When I saw his bubbly little, chubby face for the first time, it filled me with so much love, warmth and joy.
Even with all the bad moments that happened that day due to my (bio) dad making things a little weird, sometimes I wish I could go back to the simplicity of that day.
Before I knew this much about my own family
Before I was able to see through the veil of the absurdity they tried to hold over my eyes for so long
Before I grew up and figured out who they truly are
It may be shocking to say, however, I prefer to not get upset at them. I am a lone wolf
I was raised by wolves. I see their cruelty for what it is
Hurt people hurt people, nonetheless, I personally refuse to let that be my excuse
I don’t want to bring that pattern to the rest of my bloodline
In my view, it truly does start with us
I don’t want my children to hate me because I hated my mother and father (because truly both my mother and father hated theirs and its sad how they continued that pattern)
I want my children to feel so loved that they would never think of physically harming themselves.
I want them to feel like they can talk to me about anything
Especially any way, I am hurting them, unknowingly.
I don’t want to be the blame shifter. I want to be the light that they need in any darkness.
Even if they end up hating me for it.
I want my children to feel so loved and free that nothing can stop them from doing anything they want to do in life.
I want to be the person they talk shit with when they have no one else to talk shit with.
I want to give them all the hugs when they need a hug.
I want to cry with them when they need a shoulder to cry on.
I want to bring them tissues on their wedding day to clean their face when they are crying from all of the excitement and overwhelm.
I wanna dance with them in the dark when they don’t feel like smiling.
I simply do not relate to anybody who treats people as they were treated in past bad situations.
I do not want to get back at anybody for wronging me in that way.
Besides sharing my own truth and my side of the story, of course.
We all know by now that I am great at telling my side of the story (or at least I think I am 😇👼😇)
Truthfully, I started this letter off with the intention of wanting to shit on my whole family, BUT frankly, to this day and onward, I am glad that I have continued to be nothing like them
I do not want to make excuses for why I am the way that I am, like they do endlessly without taking responsibility
My trauma did not make me who I am
I made me who I am today
I thank God every day for helping me to rise above
Whether you believe in God or not, that’s alright with me
Love and light to whatever your personal beliefs are
What’s positive about being a part of a generation with so many expectations attached to us that any decision made that isn’t perfect to everyone is criticized?
The levels of depression and anxiety prove it
What is this world coming to?
Ruled by a bunch of people that own large corporations so they act like they own people
Maybe the idea of peace is a fallacy
But as a child I didn’t think the world would be ruined by so much greed
So much arrogance
People who think they know everything
If they were smart they would know you never stop learning
And that different perspectives are what make this world fantastic
Although like I said earlier, the soapbox syndrome we’re all apart of now where we criticize everything from our keyboards does come with its own flaws (and as much irony as me typing this on my phone right now)
But can you blame us?
That’s how our generation learned to express ourselves
If you’re not a major player in the game, shut up and be quiet. The world doesn’t care what you think
So instead of speaking up in person, we learned to speak up through our keyboards
To battle our battles with only like minded individuals because of algorithms designed to section us up, not knowing that these tactics would r really tear us apart.
I don’t claim to know any of the answers
But what do our elders really expect us to do with this garbage dump of a country that is left behind?
Let’s blame the millennials for everything we had almost no control over
But continue drinking the kool-aid, those old farts probably won’t read this anyway
They’re too busy pointing fingers when what people need to do right now is look in the mirror and really see what’s wrong with the world
People think because a person has a degree that automatically they get to work a glamorous job and make stacks of money.
Sure the opportunities are out there, but what if that’s not what a person wants?
What if my goal is to work with a great team somewhere and be happy.
Of course, there are bills to pay but are we really living to work?
That’s not how I pictured my life going.
Maybe my goals are too picturesque or cliche. Not set in reality. But I don’t think it’s hard to find a nice group of people and make your job something more than that. Something you enjoy
Maybe my goals are too simple for the NYC grind and area.
Maybe my home will be somewhere out west or south or even another country.
I’m a firm believer that life is what you make it.
But what if the people around me truly are to blame for my negative outlook.
I’ve been patient for a while hoping that if I’m nice and do everything I need to do to keep the peace that maybe people would change.
Maybe they would appreciate the things that I do for them without them asking.
But these people never do.
These people are only happy when you’re doing everything they ask and nothing more. When you say what they want you to say and act like another one of the sheep like they do.
News flash
I never was a sheep and I never will be
I’m like a lotus flower wrapped in diamonds
Sculpted by the pressure and atmosphere around me
The dirt is more my friend and family than people related to me by blood at times
I know things could be so much worse
I know my life is great on the surface
I could not be living at all
I try my best to embrace each day that comes
But sometimes
Just sometimes
The thought of not waking up seems like a sweet release compared to living this life that I live
Where money has become more important to people than company
Maybe it’s time to stop being comfortable. To leave and find my tribe.
I may have lost my leaves. But trust me when I say
Every facial and bodily characteristic is sitting in a sea of beauty. Some finding this sea, more beautiful than that one. But they all exist and mean something to someone.
As we grow older, we realize who the real monsters are
Today, I was woken up by a night-light.
I hate night lights.
They serve no purpose other than stopping children’s irrational fears.
I do not mind them in a dark hallway or even your dark bathroom at night.
But they serve no purpose in a bedroom.
Maybe I’m just irritated because I was woken up at 4:30 am by one.
I do not fear the dark because I have grown to realize that the real monsters in this world are people walking around in your average day light hours. They’re the people who force you to smile when you’re not happy and in general create the pressure to be someone you are not. They may not even entirely be responsible for having this mentality. In a way, I presume that people who are like this are just miserable and were not taught to love.
When you love. You accept. Regardless of the good and bad.
Of the roughness and the stress.
Please do not mistake what I mean. If you are in an abusive relationship, you should certainly get out of it and find the strength in yourself to move forward, if not for anyone else, for you.
I know for a fact that is easier said than done. Especially when children are involved. I do not know from personal experience in my own partnered relationships. But I do know this from experiences that my mom and sister have had around me while growing up. When you create a life with someone, a literal, screaming, pooping life, it is hard to disconnect from the person that you created that with.
Even when you have not had a child with a partner in a relationship. It is hard to let go.
Whether the relationship is good or not. You shared a life with someone.
And you may or may not feel that you want to share the rest of your life with that person.
But if your significant other does not feel the same, then it is up to you to either let them go and be happy or be miserable hoping for something that may not be in the plan for you.
It seems odd that anyone could be happy right after a break up and that is not ideal. But what you should feel after a break up is the feeling that you grew and learned something from your significant other. Whether you learned to not trust them or whether you learned something about yourself or them, you learned something.
I have learned that for me to feel free and comfortable with someone, that I must be able to share my feelings with them. I know now the person that I am with (now or in the future) should not have to complete me. One of my good friends helped me and calmly explained that your significant other should not complete you, but they should compliment you. I had a difficult time grasping this at first, but I let it sit in my mind for a while after admitting my confusion to my friend.
I do not need someone to be at my beck and call all day. I should not have to talk to you all day to feel at ease, nor should you contact me all day to feel at ease. However, it’s my personal opinion, that if your partner has insecurities that you should attempt to work with them and put these insecurities to rest. And this is of course if you are in a loving relationship. I do not expect you to do this for someone who you just started going out with. That may sound ridiculous to some. But I am always friends with someone before I can even attempt to think of them in a loving way. Maybe I am old fashioned. But if I love someone, I love them completely. I have to genuinely like someone and their character, in order to love them. Maybe that’s overly logical or even sappy. But that’s my version of love. I cannot speak for anyone else. We all have different comfort zones and perspectives.
Now to the light.
The light is beautiful. I hate to get all philosophical right now. But don’t let it hurt your eyes
I remember the Allegory of the Cave by Plato from my freshman year of college. I also read it again, I believe, in my sophomore year of college as well, in a totally different class and college. I’ll admit my memory is pretty horrible so it usually takes a couple of times for me to process more deep works of literature. So the second time I understood it a lot better. Especially after dealing with some dark and light in my own life.
We all need some darkness to appreciate the light.
But we also should not fear either, or let the light wreck our vision.
This vision could be your literal eye sight, world view or perspective. I don’t say this to be complicated.
I believe everything that you see and do was meant to be to create the person that you are today. If you did not experience something, then you wouldn’t be the same.
If you went to a different high school, lived in a different city or borough (for my NYC peeps). If you made it into your dream school or your second choice (or third, or fourth choice lol, don’t give up!).
Whatever happened, happened. And you cannot go back. So like I’ve said before, easier said than done, but do not regret anything. Try the best as you can to move forward with yourself, even if you’re the only person on your side at the moment. I do not say this to be sad or grim. I admit I have felt many times that I was alone when I truly was not. Sometimes it is very difficult to see the love from others through your anger and insecurities. But when you do see it and feel it…
Screenshot taken by an Android phone **The Gaff Blog does not own this image** You go too guy! Don’t worry about all the pink. Keep reading! lol.
Give thanks.
The worst thing you can be during or after a relationship is ungrateful.
You do not learn anything from being ungrateful. Trust me.
All you learn is how to be stubborn and to only see your point of view.
The challenge of true love is living your best life while also keeping your partners perspective in mind and compromising when you need to. Or if you feel you should.
If you feel you should. Go for it. No one is stopping you.
The worst they can possibly say is no. Or get mad in some cases I guess.
Screenshot from an Android phone **The Gaff Blog does not own this image** Characters from Boy Meets World Topanga and Cory
The one thing I feel I should add at this point is relationships are not only about the good stuff. Yes, there are some bad days. Some days when you are so stressed that you hate everyone or want to share all of your anger with one person. And maybe they do not want to hear it. And you should respect that. You definitely should.
But if the person you are with cannot handle you. If your stress is too much for them. You need to find better outlets.
I promise I mean this out of the kindness of my heart. Whatever outlet you need. Whether it’s a best friend, or Tumblr. Or my personal favorite, my blog here on WordPress lol. This is not a plug I swear. If I got paid to say this I would not have shared my personal feelings with you all.
Whatever your outlet is, use it.
Go to a therapist if you genuinely think you could benefit. But for you. Not for anyone else.
You are your star and your priority. Your partner does not necessarily have to be your number one.
But they should be a priority. I will not put a number on it. Because that is not fair to some.
Some people are introverted and grow a small and succinct group of friends that they cherish and keep close to them.
Other people are extroverted and make friends in the blink of an eye and might not even talk to this same person they met a year from now. And that’s not insensitive, that’s just life.
Some people are not meant to be there forever. Some are there for fun. For happiness.
Maybe some are there to share in your grief, or give you another point of view to consider.
But give thanks. Do not let the people you love and cherish ever feel like they are undeserving or that they are worthless.
Everyone and every soul is worth something.
You are worth something.
Trust me.
Even in the dark I’ve had the benefit of knowing that I am worth something to myself at least, I need to be here for me.
To live a great life. Ending it does not solve anything. It does not teach you anything.
I have learned so much from my experience with the dark and I have also learned a great amount from the light.
Different things, but important nonetheless.
From the dark, I have learned what I can handle. I can handle death of a loved one. Even though I obviously miss them and wish I could have their point of view on someone that I love right now. I would love to have a long chat with my Papa about my problems right now. I know he would listen and after all of it he would probably tell a story and maybe a joke at the end. And regardless of the story or joke, I would feel better because someone listened to me and shared with me as well.
Screenshot taken with an Android phone **The Gaff Blog does not own this image** Quote with Pink (Artist/Singer/Entertainer)
Maybe I’m simple, or maybe I’m complex. I do not believe I am either.
I am so in the middle of simple and complex that I am still to this day an enigma to myself.
I do not think we ever truly know ourselves. I think some might know. But I think we are all constantly growing and evolving and grow into ourselves endlessly.
I’m not sorry for my endless metaphors lol.
I’m trying not to say sorry anymore unless I need to. So the opposite of that is saying that I am not sorry.
I’m not sorry that I loved.
I’m not sorry if I lost the one that I loved.
I do not believe that I lost him. But if I did, life goes on.
I do not regret anything.
If you do not have closure I hope you get it somehow. I think I’ve reached my closure.
Tomorrow I could be crying all day about this again, who knows.
But I am constantly striving to be the best me I can be. Whatever that means.
Be the best you. If that makes you feel bad, then you’re being blinded by the light.
Do not hate me for trying to make you better.
Do not hate your mom for telling you to be safe when you go out.
Or your girlfriend for getting mad at you when you don’t share with her or don’t say goodnight back.
These people love you.
I love you and I don’t even know you.
I appreciate the dark and the light because they are important and have taught me so much about my number one
That’s me. I’m number one. Not compared to others.
I’m number one to me. For me. Nobody else. Unless they want me to be number one lol.
Cute hippo 🙂 lol. All of you is beautiful. Trust me!
Don’t be afraid to live.
Don’t be afraid to have fun.
Do not say no to something that cannot hurt you.
Say yes to life.
Yes to fun.
Yes to new experiences.
Otherwise, you’ll just be in your house or apartment all day hating the world.
Please do not hate the world. I understand hating some people (haven’t we all felt that at some point)
But as cliche as it sounds, the world is yours.
You create or destroy the fun.
You create or destroy yourself.
You create. Point blank.
I love to create.
I love to draw.
I love writing on this blog.
I love writing in my sketch book of all places.
Some people might have cringed just hearing that but my sketch books have always been like a personal diary for me.
Whatever I feel, I put it in the sketch book. I have literally three or four books to draw, paint and write in.
I have this blog too. Which is even better.
If you feel you have no one. Look again.
If you still can’t find them. Put yourself out there.
There may be someone looking for you too.
You have the power **Screenshot taken with an Android phone. The Gaff Blog does not own this image** Dorothy’s red slippers.
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